Welcome to the path less travelled, full of life, hopes and dreams. It is my prescient dereliction in a thrilling existence of adventure. The overture of death begins.


Audy
Chow
Sandig
Edd
Fr. Chris Soh
Sharmeen
Han
Sister Dearest
Benita
Lianne
Anne
Stone
Masheyr
Ruth-more
The Sharon



July 2006 August 2006 October 2006 November 2006 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 April 2009 May 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009






Images: David
hrbitovanda
Designer: A_XPY

"And we walk back hand in hand, through the wintry streets to your flat, led by the full moon herself. We came to your door and you open it, letting us in. In the ideal world, I would kiss you there on your doorstep and you would kiss me back and we would consumate the night in a violent ardent passion. Unfortunately, we are chained here in this real world. As I close the door and take both your hands in mine, we can only stare into each other's eyes as we stand there hand in hand. We can only imagine the ideality for a moment until our thoughts are shattered by the heavy fetters of good Christian morals and the dark murky quadmire of the unknown. I kiss you sweetly on the forehead. And then a silent adieu as I watch you repair to your apartment and I to the couch. The fallen seraph of the abyss curses his loss , amidst the painful mourns of the victory dirge."

"What happens then?"
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

4:17 PM

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The parable of the talents. Essentially, three servants were granted charge of varying amounts of talents, that was a form of currency in those days, and with their various talents, they each invested them in a certain way. The first two invested them and made great returns and the were praised by the master and given more to be responsible over. The last invested foolishly in the ground, and was chastised greatly for not even earning interest over the money in a bank Summarily put, God gives everyone gifts and to not use them or recognise them is a bad thing, and if we use them he will give us more. So in a way, overachievers are the first two servants, and the rest of us are the last fellow.

I always thought that I was one of the first two servant type people, but then when I think about it now I realize I've always been the last. I've led a very fortunate life thus far, and it has been filled with all sorts of experiences. Unfortunately I also have a lot of regrets. Who doesn't? I guess its also unfortunate that my logical analysing brain cannot keep its self-reflections from speculating upon what life would have been if I had made different choices.

Let me explain: right now I have some really big regrets. I regret not taking up rugby when I was nine and had the opportunity pass under my face, I regret not exposing myself to more music when I was younger and from persevering with my piano, I regret not taking a more proactive role in school.

For the first one, I only took up rugby in jc at the age of 18. 5 years after most local players pick it up, 12 years after most international players first touched an odd shaped ball. Had I taken up the sport early, I would have loved it and I would probably be playing a position that I could really put my logician's brain to rather than pushing the scrum. I would have had more than a decade's experience in the game now and I would be enjoying my rugby on a whole new level. I could have done many many things and have become many other things. Similarly I regret not taking sports seriously when I was young and now I am repaying that choice. I'm fat and slow. Retrospectively I know myself and I know I would have worked hard for it. I had the genes for it that I know. I grew tall and muscular without much effort. ADHD provided the energy and impulsivity to do crazy things.

For the second, I dropped out of music while i was practicing for grade 3 or 4. I was ten. A great pity that I led a stupid impulse drop what would become a giantic part of my life. As with most ecentric famous people that I know, I cannot survive without music. It is both solace and inspiration. How I wished during my major exams that when I needed a break from the practicing I could have just plopped down on the bench and played one or two Chopin's nocturnes or Beethoven's sonatas. I also recently realized I probably have sound -> colour synaesthesia. It just dawns on me that if I had kept music a bit longer I would have liked it, and I would practiced even harder and exposed myself to a lot more. Again I could be enjoying on a whole new level. Now I am merely learning basics and probably will not be able to ascend very far. Again, I had the opportunity, both sides of my family are musical.

And finally the third. I am a natural leader. I don't know if its being the first born, or just the lingering hunter's genes desire for excitement in the workplace by taking on more responsibility. Whatever the case may be, I command presence, people listen when I talk and most of the time they are willing to follow. During my recent adolescence, I was the one who usually organized the outings when I wanted to go out with my friends, I enjoyed that role. Its a pity that I ignored when it came to serious things like school. I could have made a difference instead of being just one herring in the sea of other white and blue herrings. I always had an opinion and many ideas to go along with that I know I would have, I could have, I didn't.

In each three cases, the element of choice is clearly present, as well the potentiality. Clearly a case of burying talents. However, God is a merciful master and thankfully will not as of yet like the last servant in the story through me out into darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Well that or I haven't squandered all my remaing talents yet. Also I think, that well I may missed out on opportunities to be the best that I can, there is still a long way to go in my life, a lot more opportunities for me to use my talents. In rugby, I just won't be the center, I'll be the rampaging prop that gives centers some terror, and one way day, with enough determination, I will play La Campanella, and I will do some good in som community with my leadership skills.

It is for this that I can say I am thankful for. I had the opportunity to realize that I do have some talents buried, and I still have to time; in accord with them metaphor; to invest these wisely and hope that more will be given to me. I'm sad though that many people still remain as the last servant is. I know so many people who if they just tried would probably be able to do something they've never even dreamed off. I wonder what it takes to lead a regretless life... I pray that God will help me.

6:39 AM

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I need to stop getting injured. I've been injured so many times in a year before. I think its the bloody army. I've managed to mangle my other ankle. It was perfect timing really, about thiry minutes into training. I spent the rest of the time on the sidelines wishing my ankle would stop hurting so I could abuse the rest of my unfit body.

Well, the good side is that I got some substantial recovery time from the doctor, the down side is that I also got some real substantial recovery time from my ankle. Gotta wait another six weeks for it to heal, hopefully in time for season. The whole thing ballooned up this morning when i woke up and tried to walk out of bed. I wonder if it would've hurt less if there wasn't 110kg balancing on it.

I'm also rather curious about the young physicians here. It amazing how they will address you in such a saccharine patronizing tone, its as though they're trying to give you caries and at the same time dispense pharmaceuticals. Either that or they believe that every patient they see is, regardless of their age (and oh so many of them looked so senior that it might be their last visit), below the age of ten, and therefore have to be talked to like spawnlings with a slight falsetto. Its fascinating how children, or at least smart children hate to be talked to in that way in the first place. Quaint place the clinic is.

I need to get back in the game! I hate my ankles.

2:11 PM

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I am a rather lousy brother. I admit. I have no patience or tact or
any ability to act like a parent. I constantly push you away when you
want to spend time with me and I want to be alone with myself; which
is all I am usually, alone and complaining about it. You're alone too,
you have no one to play with or spend time with, being the smallest
critter in a house of locked doors. Everyone is busy attending to
their own selfish desires. So much for having a large family. I spend
so much time grieving being alone in a large family, desiring to have
someone to talk to and intellectualize with because everyone is busy
re-cooperating from the long work day, logged into cyberspace,
studying or never at home and then there's you. Sure, you're young,
and we won't be able to talk, but you still want to play, and be a
part of our lives even though we push you away because you're not our
age, you're not old enough or mature enough. Truth be told, we're the
fools, the immature ones, because we complain of having nothing to do.

I made you cry today because I wanted to play the video game alone,
because I wanted to practice the game alone, so I could get better, so
I could beat other people, its just not fun playing with you because
you provide no challenge, you don't understand the game, you're just
button mashing. They're all excuses. Horrible rationalities coming
from one who claims to be rational, and not rationalize. The truth is:
I wanted to be alone, to wallow in my lonely state, in self pity,
reminding myself that I'm penniless and alone at home because I'm
antisocial and don't have friends who'll ask me out.Yet you wanted to
play with me. Be it partially out of boredom, you still wanted my
society. Clearly something is wrong with me.

In the end I let you play, but with much reluctance, I purposely let
you win because I wanted you to play the computer and lose. You were
actually pretty good until the difficult stage came. I should have
encouraged you but I didn't, I set there in silence, waiting for you
to give up and go away, but you didn't. Now I feel guilty. I should, I
am guilty, I am such a lousy brother. I am so extremely selfish, you
have no one and I turned you away. We could have both had fun, but I
let you down. You're tenacious, you didn't even give up despite losing
four times in a row, you finally went away when your controller
disconnected and I didn't help you to fix it. You thought I did
something. I guess I did. I did a most selfish act, I kept quiet until
you got the message. We could have both had fun. Guess it just takes
one act of selfishness to ruin many people's day.

I am a hypocrite. I talk a lot about inclusivity, about extending that
arm to the ones desolate and ostracised, but here I am, turning my
back on you. I guess adults are all idiots, all selfish, all strange
people. It takes a child to make us understand how wayward we are. It
hurts me more that now the time to apologize is over, and even if I
do, you won't understand the apology, but you've already forgiven me.

Child, I'm very sorry.

10:11 PM

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My hands burn with every pull, i can feel my fingers pull and ligaments stretch, the calluses on my palms squeeze and pain surges through my hands as my chin ascends above the bar. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. One set done. Five to go. Then down on my hands again, chest to the floor, one through twenty-five. Four to go.

Pain. And it goes on the next day; day in, day out. All this for the field, for bodies crashing into one another hard, driving all day long. The burning in my lungs as I sprint from one point to another, my abs aching, all for that next hit. And then again after that. Live for it all day long, living for the man on your left and your right, in the same colours and shield.

Problem. Can't be on the field, can't be next to your mate, without the training, the boring painful taxing training. The late nights, lose the life, hit the gym, hit the track. Get faster, stronger, quicker. All I can think about now. The pain's for pleasure.

Setback -- can't train, I'm injured, a broken foot, three more weeks of hell as my muscles become mush, all I have left are these few things. To pull and push. Most painful. I just want to get through it. Get back. Get back, those are that which occupy all my thoughts.


Pain
Three Day's Grace

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

12:36 AM

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Bacon sarnie is a hangover cure! oh what joyous news has been brought. tasty! if i could have a bacon sarnie everytime i got drunk, i would get drunk more often.

of course the more annoying part about getting that far drunk is that i would have consumed many glasses of ethanol which would have many undesirable negative effects on such a perfectly tuned homeostatic system. my least favorite being dehydration. i hate waking up feeling like i need to drink a river to quench my thirst. it took me half a day to finally equalize my damn system.

i swear if i ever become a doctor, i'm going to buy that hook thing and stock up on IV fluids and catheters. then everytime i get drunk, i'll come home and attempt to to hook myself up to the IV (hopefully the high would've past and i'll be dying from the hangover so i don't miss the vein), thus ensuring proper electrolytic balance and continuous hydration. of course i won't be able to drink as much as often then or my colleagues are gonna think i'm some kinda crackhead. oh joy. i gotta make sure i don't bring the equipment down to the club either. i'm quite sure the bouncers aren't gonna let me back in, if i'm pulling my iv along with me.

Thanks for the night fellas, though you'll probably never read this, i hope we can do it again soon. I wish I had taken more photos, but i'm not that narcisstic.

4:17 AM

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where did it all go? my optimism seems to have left off in a hurry. i've lost track of the road and i don't know where to go. hope should guide me, but i can't see hope. what am i supposed to live for if hope is all gone?

11:06 PM

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