We cry out so loud that no one can hear us.

Yesterday, I wrote up a plan for a GP essay where the topic of discussion was the possibility for 'harmnony in a diverse world'. I wrote up a brillant plan, so full of hope and ideas, put through logical process, proved by the idea of induction. If it is possible for Mother Nature in her complexities and chaos to display some form of harmony.

Through Le Chateliar's principle, the laws of nature work to equilibriate any effect or stimulus that happens in the natural world. If the population of Lions rise, the population of gazelle will fall, then the population of Lions will rise again. If the temperature of a habitat rises by so many degrees, the inhabitats best suited to survive will thrive and the unselected will die.

By that assumption, the far more intricate society of Man too can be harmonious. Unfortunately, I tried to argue that it would actually be possible in this time, that it to an extent is already in natural harmony. That Le Chateliar's was already working. To an extent it is, but it is working the simple way nature's equilibrium is in place. Cold, unforgiving and mechanical. Society is already like that. And its harmony lacks the one criteria that establishes harmony. It is unappealing.

However, this was not the harmony I had envisioned. I saw one wherein the world's peoples worked together to turn all evil into good. I saw a world where the flaws that followed original sin were removed. I saw the people at the highest status of affluence giving back to those in the lowest levels of poverty. I saw a world like the one now, with all its flaws like poverty, but one where there was love and care. Everyone considered the other, everyone cared and everyone loved. Love, that was it.

I saw heaven.

I saw the ideality that could not happen, at least not in this realm or in this time, not without intervention from above. I saw this, and I tried to foolishly contrust a real possibility. No, not just a possbility, but a reality. In that reality I lost my humanity.

I wanted to force a cube into a circular slot, and I joined the ranks of idealist before me. Do not get me wrong, Heaven exists, infact Heaven exists here on Earth too, just in tiny pockets all over the world, where there is love. I am more appalled at my ability to lose my humanity, in search ideality, by becoming so far removed into a macro perspective, that logically the processes, the systems, the patterns, they do work, albeit from high above. Yet inasmuch as it worked above, I failed to look below.

I forgot that God sees all, he not only looks from above upon us with his light. He is with us now, here before us all, in the spaces of time, in the every wrong and every place and every plane. He exists. And God, God is impossible to understand by humans, his ways, his means, his reasons, they are his own. From time to time, he will give a few specially selected few a sliver of understanding. However, it is impossible to understand or know him until we meet him.

This is something I've understood since secondary school. So why? Why did I try to play God, why do I try so hard to be perfect, to get perfect scores, to strive to be the best, and in the end I fail. I will fail. I am not perfect. I feel helpless and empty that I cannot understand and I cannot act.

I guess I will have to trust him.

As my energies are burning out on the advent of the examinations. I know I cannot do anything but push and stumble forward and rest upon his shoulders, while he walks for me, leaving his footprints in the sand. And I'll have to find my empathy. I think I left under my pile of books.

Life fades.

I am stuck in a system. A most heinous system, one that ticks uniformly like a clock. I am stuck here like a square piece being pushed through a circular hole, my entire life is on hold. And as I wait, I watch the other people go through other doors, fitting so perfectly and walking around out side. Why do they get to fly?

It shouldn't bother me, I'm stuck. Just stuck here. I can't go anywhere, or do anything and time doesn't permit me to back track. Though the system has a mean ticker going tick tock tick tock. Counting down days till the doors shut. I don't have much time life I reckon, 17 days or 50 days, what does it matter? I'll still be stuck.

It perplexes me so, why You should let me be stuck here all alone? I can't find it out some days. I know You let me come here. I know I need to be here to do the things to get to the place that I need to be. Yet why now, why here, why this place? Why did you let all my friends go away? Why does it have to be this way?

Somedays I wreck my brains and try to figure out why. Sometimes its just so hard to take. I wish I could just do what You say, I wish I wouldn't get angry and question and stray. After all, I cannot know all, no matter how much I try, even with all the books in the world, what You know I won't ever find. Yet, its difficult, so hard sometimes to push on, to do things your way. I fail and fall and topple, lapse and relapse, and fail some more. I think the worst part is when I wonder if you're even there.

Sometimes its difficult, and I feel so dry inside. I wish I wouldn't, because it doesn't seem right. But You always know. You have planned everything so nicely haven't You? I just hope that I will follow Your way. This I pray.

A Warning

I think I dreamt of you again last night,
Morning rose, and you disappeared again.
(Nightmares haunt me still wroth with bloody scythes.)

You looked so pretty like the northern lights,
But fate said 'no' and let the darkness in:
I think I dreamt of you again last night.

And in your eyes I became the black knight;
Fanged monsters and Belphagor, had I much akin.
(Nightmares haunt me still wroth with bloody scythes.)

You clawed my heart and pierced it with no spite--
Scared you were of this monster that you've slain.
I think I dreamt of you again last night,

Amidst dripping skulls and carrion plagued night,
Where they buried me to sleep, still insane.
(Nightmares haunt me still wroth with bloody scythes.)

Prescient Fate spins her wheel with great delight,
Laughing at all enthralled in her sordid chain.
I think I dreamt of you again last night.
(Nightmares haunt me still wroth with bloody scythes.)