hot chocolate for the cold heart.

here I am, hot chocolate in hand. Made myself, with 3 extra huge scoops of boncafe powder left over from last christmas, cause I'm very sad. This Christmas is coming, just a couple more months, sounds so exciting so enticing.

It makes me wonder. How will i spend this christmas? Will I spend it all alone, crying inside, regretting indecisions and impulsive visions. Will I be happy, rejoicing in the eggnog (I'm gonna make some this year!) and over part of the Christmas lunch I helped to cook, since I'm such a good cook. I wonder. What will happen in the next four months leading to one of my favorite holidays? The other two being Easter and David day, which is celebrated yearly on the Seventeenth, not that anyone remembers.

The timeline looks so ardous by itself, before the padding. It's the seventh week of school, I've got 3 common tests coming up toward the end of term and 2 more spas. Promos are barely two more months away, disasterously, I'm still crashing and hitting the floor so hard. Prelims are barely a week away for the j2s, and after that it'll be less than 8 weeks and I'll never see them again. I have 10 weeks to do something or it'll be a lost cause forever.

I wonder why I hold on and chase these things for so long. Is it because I was brought up to believe that regret is the greatest failure, to have never actually tried? And yet, I'm failing now. The regret just swallows me. The negativity that grabs out and stabs me about the possibilities that could have been but never were. I wonder.. I wonder, it's that game that everyone plays. "what if?" It's a horrid game, a game that puts you in the past and future and everywhere but where it counts the most. The present.

I remember wise words from a wise old irishman by the name of Fr. Keane. They were given to my best friend in his time of dire need, and they were passed onto me in my time. "Don't live in the past, it's over, and don't live in the future, it's not yet here. Live now, in the present, because that's where you are and that's where God is." And it's true. Amidst all the laws and rules that are in the the bible and the church that prepare us for our entry into heaven, God wants us not to worry and dread and anticipate it, since the time will creep upon us 'like a thief in the night', he wants us to live our lives here and now. That's where our impact in life can be felt, where everything that we have ever wanted to do or change is. That's where time is moving. Here and now. And we need to be present here and now to take full use of it. No point dreaming and wallowing in pitiful dreams of what could be, you have to make it happen. No one's gonna do it for you, cause they're too busy dwelling. Maybe, that's why I've always left it to me to get things done. Make the move into jc, starting all the things that I've done over the years.

It brings me some hope, that the future is still malleable. Things and time can change things, it can still be altered, though I will have to bring out my hammer and my chisel. Make it happen. I know I won't be settled until I talk to her, and I tell her what I really want to tell her. I know that there is a high perecentage that she may react negatively. But I don't actually know what might happen. For all the better understanding we try to make of the human mind and the way things process, the more confused we are now. MAybe its just me. Born different, see things differently, intepret different. Normalcy is like some kind of foreign language to me. I know that for me to return to what normalcy I have left, is to break the current rules of contact between us. To talk. I wonder how I'm going to do that. I wonder what I'll say. And I wonder how long I have left. The clock is ticking fast, I wish really that I wasn't stuck in this unrequited circle. I'm sure I've irritated the hell out of my friends already.

Friends too are strange thing. What makes you make them? I know the ones I keep are willing to look past the stupid things I do, and the benefit in the end, cause I know that I make a positive impact on their lives. Touching and changing lives, seems to be some kind of calling; one of my reasons to go into medicine. I must thank them, my friends, I'd probably be rotting somewhere had they not tolerated my annyoing depression. Jon, Marie, Bowen, Sharm, Eli and all you who are always at hand to provide a listening ear to my eccentric antics. Thank you all. Though I'm curious, this idea of friendship, how it comes about. I know I seem to have some kind of gift in it, since I've been known to spontaneously start yakking away with random people from all around. I must say its fun to make friends, I love a good conversation, and taxi drivers will always provide some of the most entertaining. Though I always regret not being able to make friends with people whom I find to be amsuing and entertaining and nice people. People like her.

I guess, in the end, its all about the effort that you want to put in. I must work harder, and infiltrate and work that magic gift, or it will really go to waste. That would be a gigantic regret, the biggest failure.

same old same old, all alone.

here i am again at home, more or less alone. I feel so damn depressed today.. I dunno.. guess this song pretty sums at this post. Shessh i'm so lethargic i have no energy to write. I guess i might get a little chuckle when i see your face after your eyes dart about the lyrics. Maki is chio btw way.

HIGH and MIGHT COLOR
All Alone

どうしていつも.
膝抱えて.
ひとり震えてる?
笑うことなど.
今は出来ない.
もう、忘れてしまったよ.

街を冷やした.
ドシャ降りまだ.
やみそうになくて.
汚れた世界.
消えてしまえば.
どう楽になれるかな.

冷えた身体の中に.
血味(あかみ)を失くした魂(こころ).
激しく打ちつけられても.
痛さを感じないから.

めちゃくちゃになって見えたものは.
病んでく自分の姿で….
越えたハズだった.
苦しみは今も.
深く深く刻まれて行くけど.
傷つくことから.
始まる.

すべて凍らせ.
全て終わりにしたくなっていた.
人の声などもう聴きたくないと.
耳を塞いでる.

ひとつ越えてみたけど.
またひとつ増えてゆくモノは.
誰も解ってくれないから.
いつも壊したくなる.

目覚めるとそこは暗闇の中で.
逃げ出すことなど出来ない.
愚かな奴らに捕らえられて.
きつくきつく縛られて行くけど.
「…私は どこまで耐えるの? 」.

I 'm confined in the darkness.
I 'm deaf, I 'm blind, but I have voice, it can shout.
I wanna run away from pain.

Why? なぜ生きていて Why?
明日を迎えて.
Why? このまま.
Why? 今でも Why I'm alive?

誰か信じて生きてくこと.
憎しみに変わり.
私は何にすがりついて.
どう泣き叫べばいい?

解り合えないよま終わるだけならば.
信じることなど出来ない.
叩き潰されたこの感情.
あなたはどこまでわかるの.
悲しみがあれば.
喜びもあるけど.
永遠(とわ)に続いてくわけじゃない.

見捨てないでいて時がいつか.
流れた時きっと気付くでしょう.
信じることから.
始まる.

灰になって見上げた世界.
今も暗い朝焼けが痛い.
灰になってゆだねた世界.
苦しみごと風にふかれたい.
灰になって見なれた世界.
今も暗い朝焼けが痛い.
苦しみごと風にふかれたい….

James Blunt
"You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high, [ - video/radio edited version]
Fucking high, [ - CD version]
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.


God, i'd really like to strangle that angel...hahahahaha

Jack's Mannequin
Kill the messenger

Oh my God, this hurts like hell
I had that dream again where
I was lost for good in outer space
Tell me, doctor, how to shake
A waking nightmare that is only
Worse when I am sleeping

Kill the messenger
I swear it's not me
It's just someone I used to know
And get to church cause you're a good girl
And he never told you that
And all I need from you
Could be the thing that
Leaves us both up here forever
I'm gonna send a little rain your way
I'm gonna send a little rain...

It's not so easy, caving in
I walked by your apartment twice today
While you were gone at work
And all the colors got so down
It's not as cold out here
But come quick, I am losing feeling

Kill the messenger
I swear it's not me
It's just someone I used to know
And get to church cause you're a good girl
And he never told you that
And all I need from you
Could be the thing that
Leaves us both up here forever
I'm gonna send a little rain your way
I'm gonna send a little rain, send a little rain

I'm gonna send a little rain to pour down on you
Rain that makes the flowers bloom
Rain to leave you all alone
That keeps eyelashes falling
And wishes washed away

Kill the messenger
I swear it's not me
It's just someone I used to know
And get to church cause you're a good girl
And he never told you that
And all I need from you
Could be the thing that
Leaves us both up here forever
I'm gonna send a little rain your way
I'm gonna send a little rain...
I'm gonna send a little rain your way

彼女は俺を嫌う
there's just too much evidence. ARRGH

I think my greatest fear is not if my schoolmates were able to read my thoughts, whether they could handle it. It's if she could see into my mind, I wonder how she would react.

Medical Love Affair.

I'm sorry girls. I'm taken.
yes, my nerdish ways have made fall in love with a dream. My sweet medical dream. It spurs me on in my sleep, through my dreams, and in my waking through my day. It has made me enlist in a factory-esque jc, drag myself through an idealistic curriculum with unrealistic teachers and face a deluge of annoying political societies. Ah, but it will be all worth it when I finally finish this drive and we meet and run off for our decade long courtship, into the setting sun. ahh, dreams.

I sometimes wonder how much of being some hellspawn of two doctors (I'm sure they feel like that sometime), where one of them is a third generation doctor. That would of course have affect anyone's life. I mean growing up in a whole horde of doctors. Nearly every party would have us playing with some other doctors kids. heh, luckily we never played doctor :P It's hard not to be influenced no?

And then there hospitals and clinics which i played in while waiting for my parents. I remember several instances so vividly. The one which made me gain all curiousity for the colour red and the bodily fluid that has it, when i was eight, I was at my mother's clinic waiting for her, and her friend from church came to have her blood taken. Of course being the impulsive, curious and friendly brat that I was, we made started talking and I followed her to have her blood taken. I remember being very fascinated by all the things my mum was telling her friend and the nurse, about the syringes they needed to buy and the needle and how her friend didn't have very good veins or something. But seeing the deep, dark red fill the chamber of the syringe was quite thrilling. Maybe that's why i like to see blood being taken. Thrill. I'm the number one person to donate blood, sadly, I'm on too much meds to do so.

Though of course having parental units already attached to your one true love, and one of them having a habit of telling lame jokes contributes to many really really bad jokes about with reference to medicine. Though i still love her dearly. haha.. Today we were having lunch and my mother reminded me of how i once wanted to emulate my father in his field if orthopedic surgery. Of course, since I had changed my mind since then, i proclaimed that i found that kinda boring with the bones and all. My mum's riposte was that it was all engineering, which, as everyone knows i really don't have much affection for. This was further persued and developed into Orthopedic surgery being really like carpentry of the body, since it's really about adding things to stabilize and making it look all pretty and stuff, which lead the mum suggesting that general surgery was like plumbing. Much to our disbelief, though she supplied the following evidence: 'it is, since you get a clogged intestine, you cut here, drain. or you have a blood clot in the leg, you open the vein and remove the blockage."

Of course, me, being a smart alec, went onto ask about neurosurgeons, to which my mother having no more evener smarter than alec answers, made a quick consultation with my father who gave the answer that neurosurgery is akin to fine watchmakers. So that's it folks, our surgeons are really glorified medical carpenters, plumbers and watchmakers. At least the plumbers don't moon you while they work.

I know what it's like!

Today i was outside the
Medical-Science bookstore at NUS and OMG.
The feeling that ran through my head as I stood there browsing the most wonderful textbooks with out a credit card to make purchase can only be described as standing outside the Pearly Gates without a pass!

I was like a little kid in a candy store. There were books that I could only dream of reading there.. They had everything..Infectious Diseases, Virology, Histology, Oncology, OBGNY, Orthopedics, Surgery, Molecular Biology, Robotics, Quantum physics, organic chem, physical chem, inorganic chem. Everything I could at present ever want to read about science. The curiousity in me is like a never filling sponge, soaking up that lovely, lovely juice. YUM..

GAAaaaaAAh.. it's so distracting, thinking about this new green pasture that i want to get myself into. STUDY STUDY STUDY that's all my brain can say. So like a good little giant boy, here i am infront of my computer with music and a chemical equilibria. Of course though, the reason i have equilibria open is because I have that test tomorrow. This maybe the only time that I will admit that I wish I had gone to RJ. The notes that they give to their students beats ACJC any day. We had 3 pages on entropy and they had an entire lecture. I'm willing to expose myself to the carrion and endure the green rashes for all that extra knowledge. Though I doubt I'd have found it any different than this stupid school I'm currently in. Socially anyway.

After all, 'JC is just a transition state' all the teachers continually chime, no time to really make friends, find a lover and soulmate, do some great meaningful community service or large event, and get those As. Nah, you only get to do one well. Pick well. Be happy for the rest of your life and be stuck in a cubicle desk job selling pizzas or go onto greater things. Bleah... Guess you got to be some superhuman guy to do all those, or have the determination and balls to see your plans through.

Which reminds me of this GIANT idea that I have. It's the sort of huge idea that fails if one of my smaller ideas fail. The sort of idea that's going to be HUGE. and i DO NOT want this one to fail. I won't say what it's about here...yet anyway, BUT, if you are reading this and I come up to you all professional-like, which I am, and ask you to join me, I hope you say 'yes'. It's going to be a lot of fun.

I'm praying to God that I will find my team of 10-13 people.

I notice the word
unrequited
has the word 'quit' in it.

Happy times for now.

We WON!!!!! XD

Wouldn't it be nice...

Here I am, 9:30 in the morning, awake and dressed and showered, waiting for a chem tutor who just ponned chem. Woow-whee. Gah. I dunno what's more hilarious, cept that I have a chem test this wednesday, later in about five and a hours, I am going to step onto that bacteria-ridden pitch at CCAb and going to come face to face with Bucks. They are going down. Rightn now? I'm sitting at my computer listening to hits from the past, there were suppposed to be happyish songs. Although over an empty stomach with hydrochloric acid and other hormones pouring in all over the place reminding me I haven't eaten in about eight hours, and some distraught confused feelings, they seem so sad and fairytale-esque.

I guess I should really stop blog surfing. I mean some of them are really really good entertaining writers, albeit the rest are quite difficult to read, more like painful sometimes. Then I see all the photos, all the happy smiling faces. All the retardedness. Kinda makes me wonder where i left my retardedness. I should put up a notice init.

Lost: retardedness, last place seen, somewhere under elm's bridge. If found please
return to David, there's a reward.

Though Elm's bridge is some fictional cobswallop I just made up, complete with applesauce, it's a very real place somewhere in my heart. I do believe that you can never really lose your person. That person who you're supposed to be, that thing where you're just being 'yourself', ya that can't be lost. But, it sure as hell can be buried.

I think it goes deeper than that. I think burying yourself seems to have it's own working and visiting hours. Like depending on the time of the day (eg school..school..school) Visiting hours seem to be closed. Though I'm looking at this from a very negative point of view. I should just go find my shovel.

I need to stop seeing her smile.

For the Ladies.

Man Smart (Women Smarter) - Harry Belafonte

I say,
Let us put man and a woman together
To find out which one is smarter.
Some say man but I say no,
The woman got the man de day should know.

And not me, but the people they say:
That de man are leading de women astray.
But I say, please listen when i say she's
Smarter than the man in every way.
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter,
That’s right, that’s right

Ever since the world began
Woman was always foolin' man
And I you listen to my bid attentively
I goin’ tell you how she smarter than me

And not me, but the people they say:
That de man are leading de women astray.
But I say, please listen when i say she's
Smarter than the man in every way.
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter,
That’s right, that’s right

In de garden of Eden, Adam built a home.
When he settle down, Eve start to roam.
Many a night, he spent in pain.
Whenever Eve was able, she was raising Cane.

And not me, but the people they say:
That de man are leading de women astray.
But I say, please listen when i say she's
Smarter than the man in every way.
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter,
That’s right, that’s right

You meet a girl at pretty dance,
Thinking that you would stand a chance.
Take her home, thinking she's alone,
Open de door, you find her husband home.

And not me, but the people they say:
That de man are leading de women astray.
But I say, please listen when i say she's
Smarter than the man in every way.
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter,
That’s right, that’s right

I was treating a girl independently,
She was makin' baby for me.
When de baby born and I went to see.
De eyes was blue, it was not by me.

And not me, but the people they say:
That de man are leading de women astray.
But I say, please listen when i say she's
Smarter than the man in every way.
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter,
That’s right, that’s right

Garden of Eden was very nice,
Adam never work in paradise.
Eve meet snake, paradise gone,
She make Adam work from that on.

And not me, but the people they say:
That de man are leading de women astray.
But I say, please listen when i say she's
Smarter than the man in every way.
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter,
That’s right, that’s right

Methusaleh spent all his life in tears
Lived without a woman for nine hundred years
One day he decided to have some fun
The poor man never lived to see nine hundred and one

And not me, but the people they say:
That de man are leading de women astray.
But I say, please listen when i say she's
Smarter than the man in every way.
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter
That’s right, de woman is uh smarter,
That’s right, that’s right

If You had just a year left to live?

I took this idea out of the January 2007 edition of Reader's Digest. 10 ways to discover a new you. This was in 'Reflect' and it stuck out the most. It struck me quite musingly, what would you do if you had a just a year to live? What would I do i had just a year to live? Let's look at this from an idealistic, I'm not going to die from a disease or something in 1 year, but just that 365.25 days from now, I will get called home to the Lord. Snap, just like that. What would I do?

I guess most people would start writing up lists of priorities, which fantasies to give up, which fantasies to fulfill. So the first thing I though of was, with one year to live, i could give up my dreams of med school, but I still have one year to get to know 'Estella' better. I doubt I'll meet with much resistance, after all, who would not be sympathetic to the wishes of the terminal. But I don't know, really would that help. One year, I wonder what I'd gain, what she'd gain? It would be really spiritual gain. Although, there is a chance stuff might not happen, after all, I don't really know who I would tell I'm gonna be around for such a period. I'm so secretive that way.

Of course, I get the feeling a lot of men and some women would start making up lists of people they'd like to have a go with. Then I thought, why waste my time trying to catch stds. I guess, I won't get a chance to experience that sort of thing, but I do believe in it post-marital and I do believe in chastity. Laugh away if you may, but I shall keep my morals. So in place of that, I thought of maybe a list of people i'd like to have a go with...for a long discussion on the philosophies or life or just to talk nonsensical and wisecrack about the world and Jimmy's disposition. I'm not going to put the list here, it is quite extensive, from celebrities to people in school i know by name or face.

Then of course, there's a lot of books that I hope can finish reading. I'd like to get fit enough to play a match as In-center and I know that match might be my last, but it'd be the best too. Then there's also getting a band and singing at concert. That would rock, singing my own written songs to music. Too bad, I'd only get a year, i'd never get to learn to play Lizst's La Campanella. It's so sad, I know realize looking at a year in perspective to living, there are too many things i want to do and there is too little time to do it all.

Time has all intangled in it's suffering web, enslaved to the clock and hours of the day. Makes you wonder how you're truely going to make the best use of it. I wish I could spend most of my time doing things that make me feel whole and warm inside, those include laughing and hanging around friends, the warmth and comfort just fuel my soul. Though hanging withe computer brings long leases of emptiness. I once theoried that the PC is a giant uninspirational thing, it steals from your imagination and you run on it expecting entertainment, which it doesn't give. It makes the brain lazy. I still find i get the least amount of homework done around the computer.

Thankfully, I don't have one year to live. I still have time to do what i want to do and more importantly. I still have time to get to know the Chimney and somehow force my grades into medschool. So I guess with time on my side, I'll just have to do it. That's what time's for init. What would you do then if you had but a year? Puts life into perspective dunit..

Nothing Beats A Party

Party @ club Ignatius y'all.
Nothing like redefining your clubbing experience.
Be there or be so totally out of it.

couple things

i hate couples.

missing: her special smile.

I just came home from a horrible day. It's especially horrid, since i made it horrid. My alarm didn't go off, I woke up late, and almost nearly missed the door on my injured leg. I think it's worse now. Slept through the entire council invest. I don't like council anyway. Wasted my day through lectures and stuff. Gah, i realized i'm still in pain from exams, I'm forcing myself into school everyone morning not because i want to learn, like the start of the year, but cause i'm hoping for opportunities to move on. I was such a bad boy today, i practically gave everyone attitude and i don't actually laughed at all today.): what's wrong with me?

Did i really make the wrong choice in coming to ac? Would i have been better off with my friends, my family in cj? I made such stupid excuses, oh, they'd be a level above me, i wouldn't get a chance to hang out with them. God, it sounds so riddiculus now. I should have listend to them. Or shouldn't I? I feel like Pip, so many great expectations, that don't go the way we want it. ACJC is my London, the ruggers my Drummle. But, where's my Herbert? Where is my dear sweet Herbert? I don't see how Pip could have survived Drummle without herbert, but to deal with the likes of morons like daryl weeming everyday. It's getting boring. Really boring. Then I have my Estella. Estella in acjc however isn't a cold person, in fact she's probably nothing like Estella except for her beauty and dislike of pip. I wish i'd never met her. (or do i?)

I'm getting blindsided by my results, completely lost track of time and i've forgotten about my upcoming tests. Why have i fallen so far? I hate that my life really only exists outside of the school i have chosen, the place I spend more than half of my day. I hate that my friends are littered so sparsely in my life that to have many of them around me at once to just loll about is so rare. I haven't hung out with a large group of friends probably since my Birthday (work doesn't count). I hate that i can't drown my feelings, i can't kill them, destroy them or burn them. I hate that I can be myself in school, school which feels so distant, faraway, so strange and awkward to venture each day.

I wonder what'll happen tomorrow.

Arabian Nights

Oh I come from a land, from a faraway place
Where the caravan camels roam
Where it's flat and immense
And the heat is intense
It's barbaric, but hey, it's home

When the wind's from the east
And the sun's from the west
And the sand in the glass is right
Come on down
Stop on by
Hop a carpet and fly
To another Arabian night

Arabian nights
Like Arabian days
More often than not
Are hotter than hot
In a lot of good ways

Arabian nights
'Neath Arabian moons
A fool off his guard
Could fall and fall hard
Out there on the dunes

Follow me to a place where incredible feats
are routine every hour or so
Where enchantment runs rampant
gets wild in the streets
Open Sesame and here we go

Arabian Nights
like arabian days
They tease and excite
Take off and take flight
They shock and amaze
Arabian Nights
like arabian days
more often than not
are hotter than hot
in a lot of good ways.

Pack your shield, pack your sword
you won't ever get bored
Though get beaten or gored you might
C'mon down stop on by
hop a carpet and fly
to another Arabian Night.

Delusions, deluded deluges granted.

Reading is inspirational. You just need to skim through a book, an article or some other person's blog to pick up on threads of thought that spur into action, whatever your creativity's ready to process. Of course at times, randomly banking on any such idea's just a dangerous whack in the bush. That doesn't matter. It's all about writing boys and girls. Just plain writing. Tonight's topic at this lovely time, in between frustrating summaries and moronic underlingings for gp is Confusion.

It's the pinacle of adolscent woes i must say. The older folk blame it on the hormones. Of course there's also that sudden maturing of your cognitive processing and reasoning. Suddenly the world's smaller, suddenly it's a whole lot bigger all of a sudden. Information is just boring in through newly discovered feelings, emotions and experiences. Things that never happened to teams before. That's why teenagers like to experiment. All about discovery, after all sometimes can't be described with words of pictures or sounds. It's all a very personal custom experience, to each his own world as intepreted by the brain.

It's the discovery that leads to this confusion. Like any creative scratching, new ideas and thoughts just pour in, uncontrolled, unfacillitated. The naivety of it all leads to just plain shock, surprise, awe or whatever it could be. It presents with to options, to persue or to flee. This is where confusion sets in. Lack of guidance or the advice from inexperience leads even the most ineffectual thinkers to stop and wonder and what to do.

The situation usually varies in profoundness, ranging from meagre things like which school to enroll, in, what shoe shop to visit, where to eat, to other things like relationships and friendships and of course the most annoying being love. The confusion itself is usually a simple dilemma from an outsider's perspective. It's easy to see the most obvious choices, the most obvious answers, and the most obvious results of the choice. It's difficult for people to consider the bloody complications reguarding the choices, the safe status quo which everyone encircles themselves in. They take comfort, hiding away, breaking it would lead to the unknown and it's dangerous, unless you're able to control it. Which, precisely, is what confusion is not.

Love in an adolscent's life is more confusing than in an adult's life. Love is always confusing (that annoys me greatly). It's confusing to the point only a child can truely sum it up in five words. The rest of the world will require a thesis to truely express what love means to them. Well it annoys me. I wonder what my confusion is. I looked at it from the outside, it's simple dilemma, simple problem, simple solution. Two answers. And from there life goes on. Honestly, given the stagnancy of the damn situation, either answer's fine. Outright, honest answers and i could get on with my life without having a muse in my head to conjure deep depressive moodswings.

But I'm scared of rejection. Strangely, i've been rejected all my life. No congenital abnormalities:reject->adhd, normal educational period:reject->welcome the j3 taking j1. 4h2s:reject -> bad class. But heck i took all that. Why am i scared of personal rejection? People reject all the time, it happens a lot in school, it happens MOSTLY in school. Maybe it's a status quo, maybe it's not. see what confusion does to someone on such a simple fearless choice. All this self-justification goes for naught.

Justification of the confusion just makes it worse, it's a procrastination. You second guess yourself, then you fail and you justify the failure. Most people don't consider process. Most of the time the process in confusion is moot. In the end, i guess you choose what you want to accept and what you don't. Whether to loll around in confused state, or move on and find new heights or new sights.

Hopefully, i'll get my chance to destroy all my social status quos. I just need to find a bunch of friends in this judgemental society of prim and proud morons that are able just be their retarded selves. We're all retarded, just gotta accept that.Retarded schools are cool.

wheee...

okay enough with the emo-spree..
i feel slightly good today. cause i've been a good good boy (:
i returned my library books on time, more or less completed most of integration(on my own) and... and i am HOME for din dins XD

hahaha wheeeeeeeeee...
i wish i could be more carefree though, time to take some nice walks, alone or with company(much better) and see some scenery..

strangely somethings in school just amuse me.. most of them are awkward things.
blah..

anyway i'm done daoing you.. it's pretty stupid. sorry.