Things never happen the same way twice, dear one.
-Aslan, The Chronicals of Narnia, Cs Lewis

through the sins of my life, through my eyes here they balantly taunt me. Like everything that i've ever wanted to do or to have flashing before my eyes. this is not good for me. Oh i tell you! I've become a beach slut. Only suited to wallow each day along the spritely beaches soaking up the suns rays, lazing around doing nothing, lazing around for not a care, lazing around, no responsibilies. that is suddenly where i find myself.

have i burnt out again, fallen into that all too familiar nook, am i to die this way? but it seems so wrong, to be tired out and demoralized before the start of a term. i resolve to be strong! i know what i must do, for after all, he put me here, and by more times than i can count or remember he has shoved me back alone this seemingless cold and fruitless path. Yet i know! it was one where the fruit will grow only when the path is finally trod. [the gates of princeton/oxford/cambridge/jhs awaits]
and he's done much to make it barren and desolate, for the events which encompass my days towards my exams are timely placed so that i may not take part in them. sigh, august, competition- u-23s, competition-acjc students, otherwise known as prelimary exams. the final frontier before the big fall. too bad we have no more terminal examinations. even other endeavours that my heart holds dear are torn and shredded, the calendar has no space for them. after all it is the major examinations year. whereupon such a year can you have time for something frivolous like a relationship, it's a most facetious statement.
give up, give up david!
you have lost much anyway, there was nothing there to begin with, just your imagination run amok. there's nothing in here life but to the dying.

i wish i wish, for war to run it's course, to be over and peace to return to us all. my sunny beaches where i can just lie down and close my eyes as the waves roll on to me, and then be no more.
I worry, now they are all dispersed, all disappeared, will i be able to face this tempestuous storm alone?

if you read this, you, yes you, you know how, AND if you don't you're really silly for missing the clue. i'm worried about you, you're overstressing yourself, you're overworking your burdens and you're applying all the oils of the perfectionist to your brain... i pray you don't burn out my dear, it would be sad to see the fire die inside, and 1st degree burns are difficult to treat and always leave scars. do relax a bit more, stop watching the clock and just concentrate on what you need to do.

this is the end of the world.
the whales stuck out of the beach,
like warheads on the sand,
here,all breached,
drowning in this summer heat.
i reach for your hand and
it's not there.
why did you leave me here,
here alone when for the world to end?

how did the world come this way?
it's like just the other day
we walked this beach alone,
the sand in our toes,
with nothing to care,
just the clouds in the air.
then they came, flipped the world
upside down, in their hands, they hold
her, crushing away the life.

take be back to winter,
when we grew the lilies behind the old garden shed.
a nightmare came one day and brought the sun out again,
and he tore away all the pure white snow,
and brought with him the evils, the heat, the wind.
and then they came, from amongst us,
they've been hiding since a long time ago,
they brought down the towers and opened the castle door,
and into our lives, they stormed tempestuous.
ever treacherously threatening to throw out
the bombs and betray the world.
my world.

and our soldiers fought one by one and fell,
liked fields ripe for the plucking, they fell,
each one, adding to the torrent, here they fell.
and the sea of blood drenched the inner city walls,
amidst the purple skies of summer.
even the kangaroorats hid in their holes,
a break from their feasting on sour corpses bleeding
to hide from them, the evils.
the world had fallen in two days.

and you said to me,
'i'll stay with you always'
but you disappeared into nothingness,
along with your quiet whispers,
fading away, from this very world,
i don't think i can last any longer...
they caught up with me today,
and in the cell they left a needle,
this hypodermic syringe, and here a knife,
a pill, oh sweet death that they have left me!
a cure they said for what was to come.

and then it began, from the dawn of day to the dust,
the terrible treatment at the hands of the evil,
for no information was i to give them,
and...and they promised me that you'll come back,
a sweet sweet promise, my dear love...
a masque for the lies they instilled in my head.
oh how i'm beginning to forget your kiss.
everyday my head explodes from the pain,
a few short memories here and there, this pain.
my brain wants to escape it all,
the voices, the delusions, the hallucinations.
here's to the endgame.
i reach for the needle,
and yet you stop me with your gentle hand,
and yet you're not there. it was my imagination bent,
broken and destroyed.

and then it happened,
it broke, the dam destroyed, the river flowed.
my mind caved in and died,
oh but sweet freedom, as the light shot from my eye...
heart beating, faster and faster,
coursing sweet energy, no more pain.
and i killed them all, a single thought,
choked them all and buried them in their technological fortress.

I haven't actually been high in a damn long time, i'd almost actually forgot the feeling. The almost out-of-body astral feeling. The weird lag time inbetween wanting to move your limbs and the actual movement, as though you were watching yourself move from afar. The depressant part of the effect. Then the was the part where you feel all high, in your head, while everything else is lagging, your mind is just zooming down thought lanes, the stimulant part of ethanol. i definitely need to do this again soon!

Freak.
I am a freak.
i serve as torment to a life that shouldn't have been.
In mind, in genes, in everything.

there isn't any way in which i can measure such monstrosity.
this that hath been born out of clay, of ash, of silt,
put here on earth, this planet zoo.

why?
i don't know...
will anything ever come easy?
when will all this end?

one year past, one new year,
here at long last, a decade over.
beware little boy, with eyes and ears
listen to the morning song.
in it only the dawn of new beginings,
the finale of all endings,
a sharpened cry at the world.
begone little boy,
you are no more, this world's been placed on
your shoulders.
weeping and crying, this burden you carry
on such small shoulders.
here at long last, a decade over.
one year past, one new year.

Lesson learnt?

we stand here in the burning rain,
staring into the distance,
the pain, the rage, the tears
tearing at our hearts, at our minds,
just one question: why?

cold water from above splashes on,
searing wounds, the pain gushes out,
in like streaks, what's your lesson?
and the whiteboard written in blood
a streak across every little mark...

no answer can you give
(could you even think of one?)
to be built, a resilience?
a character? a serial killer?
why the scars are cut across this face.

all around never fading..
the tears are falling.

In this cold sea of red,
it drips, it drips, it drips...
hear the old fangled seamen's lips.
they speak of times past
all clothed in this red.

the girl she stood there in the water,
she drowns there in your arms
(why didn't you save her?)
the red flows over, the blood on her lips
spoke a tale of love and passion unheard.

the rain it falls, from the cuts and the scrapes,
bleeding from the wounds that wound
around the body.
raining, raining, this bloody rain!
STOP STOP STOP!

his head explodes a bullet now grasps his brain.
ideally a killer's deficeit.
and into his head you would see all the thoughts,
see the pretty lady, at the tree of the dead.
ici, à la mort. agacé.

célestes feux brûlent les méchants mort.
you cannot save me.
you die trying,
crying in the rain.
the wicked lies (you delude yourself).
here in dreams of painted wishes burning up to ashes,
in the frequent place where the body crashes.

bury me. cleanse me. purge me. burn me.

chapter one.

as they walked on from the mountain fall,
up the valley to winter's warmth.
they were running, running away
from april's cruel showers, to find spring.
up on mount ziijah, the path they travelled fades..
'oh ennuya!' he said, 'the path has been split by spades,
a jumbled jigsaw all barren and laid'
                                                              'oh but dear,
to the telesect we must make a way, which way?
which way?'
then the ghosts spoke in constant tone,
hushed,
soft in whispers that went to the bone:
they said, 'ennuya ennuya, thy young hand laid upon the rock,
you flee! you flee, without nothing more you spoke a smile no further.
you must return...flee this city of letters,
return to your seas'

but the deed was done, and the monsters had come,
worse than titans encased in stone, mould and earth,
a murders they committed, yet in mind, they spoke no evil.
surely a madman's pure wish, the ignorance of the sin,
but yet in lies the devil, ever in charming plain site hideth.
he awaits more madness, to frolic in, he awaits in this tainted inn.

and as quick as it had come to mount Ziijah, the fellows watched
as the grass, a green army of leafy blades sprung up,
again to bury the dead.
no one remembers, no one's been.
the telesect remains away hidden still unseen.
so aunty agnes, to tea you promised,
a great cup if you please, two milks and a sugar,
thank you.
                   you say she sprung froth of the golden
abyss?
           aye she, she hath caused many a pain like
that of the one of the froth of chronos came. she
she drugs your brain, like they all do. tear apart
the simple equation and it's frame.
                                                             infectious powers,
men and women all the same.
                                                    aye, a cake if you please.


scrurry scrurry, the rodents ran ahead,
now the rain rails rigidly rampant again.
a storm in the middle of may.
the ships quake and quiver,
quenching back bitter tears of salvation at last,
offer to them at this period of rest,
when waves pounded round and round the ships' back.
oh sailor, sailor,
help me up to the gallows, a green string
will run around my neck.
where be you from?
                                   phoenicia,
where alex rules supreme--
                                                  nay,
a depressed thought, as the spider runs down my lane.
his venom encompassing my veins.
quickly sailor pull the chord, let nothing remain.

and at last the sea turned calm.
into ice it floated down stream,
off the side of the world, inasmuch
it slide away to be held so silently, tired and bloody.
ringing out the pain. mark those words laddy.

SPA!!!! >.<

a life without.

a random piece of consciousness.

here the world seems to charm the fragrance round the bend, into anonymity, hiding from the background, away from the paints and the brushes and the greens and reds and oranges. an apple from the tree, the doctor, he wouldn't see me. it lies ahead upon the starry bank, where eliot sat, next reid and a quarter of einstein. he believed in awesome relativity. so you look now for a time that is played backward here in your head, a sick boy alone in his bed, shivering the fever playing out its dread, bodyaches and dripping muscus membranes. coughing up blood ever you see it. and then i told him jim, jim i said, you can't place the slant in a bedroom wall's rant of many many things and the ever patient man told me that the world's just going to fall sideways in a transient dream anyway, better to focus the camera in on a dream, away from the skulls, in iraq's sideways gleam. that's all very right and well but what about the ziijah and the telesect away from here where they would play. almost certain the doom and gloom write away from all the flagrant thoughts that add the fire and make them walk all crooked and stiff, down the wrong alley into bankman's palace. jim oh jim where did you go today? we sat living a dream in the living room floor, lee's pizza on the sofa, half eaten, a fetid attempt to consumer the world, flattened into 8 slices and a junk of pepperoni induces some calm nightmares of the world the sea in temperate. she walked on by, down by the beaches the world passed and the shadows hid from her last glance, her eyes, such a pretty treasure, as her eyes, they took themselves and wondered the world in wandering, this ennuay where the evening sat so filled with a lobster and champaign at that. i can't find the world again, not since the last time it blew up in my face, a lesson unlearned, it followed the sun round and round and and the place where it was last seen collided together in a some far of dream....

one year gone.

it's been one year old man,
since you left us bereaved.
walked your way up those white steps
to heaven's great relief.
a life lived long and hard,
you deserved the rest.

so so long ago, it seemed
like the beginning of the end.
a time that evils teemed
of lost ways and forgotten understandings.
why did you have to go?
oh i miss you so...

i hear in my heart, your voice
the deep hearty voice
that boomed on nonsense of lewis carol,
of walruses and carpenters,
of stories far and distant,
of the laughter that arose.
replayed in eidetic.

you watch over us at night,
i feel you behind me ever peering,
ever watching, like before
when i was small
and i'd fall
and upon your shoulders you raised me
to see the world.

i will be home soon.

Leaving New York
REM

it's quiet now
and what it brings
is everything

comes calling back
a brilliant night
I'm still awake

I looked ahead
I'm sure I saw you there

you don't need me
to tell you now
that nothing can compare

you might have laughed if I told you
you might have hidden a frown.
you might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around.

it's easier to leave
than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud.
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out

now life is sweet
and what it brings
I try to take
but loneliness
it wears me out
it lies in wait

and all not lost
still in my eye,
the shadow of necklace
across your thigh, I might've lived my life in a
dream but I swear it.
this is real.

memory fuses
and shatters like glass,
mercurial future, forget the past
it's you
it's what I feel

you might have laughed if I told you
you might have hidden a frown.
you might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around.

it's easier to leave
than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud.
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
you find it in your heart,
it's pulling me apart,
you find it in your heart, change

I told you, forever
I love you forever.
I told you i love you
I love you forever
you never, you never
you told me forever...

you might have laughed if I told you
you might have hidden a frown.
you might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around.

it's easier to leave
than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud.
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out

leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out

funorama

it is the most boring carnival i ever attended. That's probably because none of you, my dear friends turned up to hang out with me. I mean you and you and YES YOU! bloody bastards, all last minute cancel ):. Well it had its moments.

the usual funorama, equipped with 3 of the haunted houses that would make the most boring of ghosts bored. Lots of good food, and many games which i couldn't be bothered to play because....well because i didn't feel like trying to win any games. THERE WAS TANDOORI CHICKEN!!! and really nice lasagne which i couldn't afford. There was also a cow which was roasted before my very eyes. Well actually i hoisted it up onto the machine thingy. Really interesting, the guy, who did the roasting, roasts meat for a hobby for the swiss club. He also manages a restaurant called Stewhaus. Really nice food. Apparently the 150kg calf is air flown from austrailia, where it has to be marinated (spice rub) for a whole day, then roasted for 10 hours. Too bad the head was left in austrailia, it would have made for a more interested picture than just the decapitated neck.

In order for the meat to be ready at opening time, it had to be roasted the night before. If you do the math, you would realize that it would be about 1am when the roasted the thing. Which would beg the question why the fuck was I at school at 1am. Well i was doing security duty. The most boring thing ever, walk around a school so empty that mas selamat wouldn't even bother to sleep in, though he might have been from saints or disgusting green people... It was really empty, and dark, and really really a big waste of time. 3hr shifts with a 10 minute routine, but i did get to hoist a calf onto a spindle, and i got invited to hoist a 300kg cow onto a spindle at oktoberfest. Woot. Plus pancakes for breakkies. Double WOOT!

though i think the most sad part of the day was the end. I was getting bad underwear abraisions and i had to do clean up duty. I wish I'd never had agreed. I didn't know it was clearing the trash that other people cleared. That's right emptying the dumpsters into the open top containers. That seems easy you say. Every dumpster that we emptied, had brown liquid spew from it's insides down the container like a water fall. Not to mention, we had to climb inside the damn thing in order to empty the containers. This was all done while some morons came around to lob bags of trash onto our heads. They got well screamed at.

You'd be amazed at the stuff people throw away. A whole box of unused AA batteries! NICE...prized not won and food unsold. Then there was the amount of bags that burst with the contends coming right out at us. In the end a technique was experimented with successfully in disposing of rubbish. The six of us, Haiyuan, naveen, kester, tak jian, me and another guy. We used the edge of the dumpster as leverage to topple the dumpster all the way into the container, before emptying it and lobbing off the side. Great success....that is until many many more dumpsters started to show up. Needless to say, we all threw our sneakers away at the end.

I WANT KATONG LAKSA.

yes quite badly too...
it pines for me everytime i visit Queensway to buy whatever. Today's venture was to replace my poor nalgene bottle which i left in a cab, for the second time. You know my trademark blue fishing bottle? ya that one.

Anyway, there i was walking around level one, looking for the camping shop that sells the bottles, and i past the laksa place, and the aromas just hit me, and then, the that bottled up desire started to rise. OH man! Alas and alack, i cannot eat laksa for another two months ): I think it'll be one of the first things i'll eat once season is over, which will be soon. And when we win, i'll take my medal and go and enjoy some katong laksa.

put oh, the dieting annoyances of season. blah. i wish i was like slim.. and with a monster of a metabolic system. Of course i have one.. just you know a better one.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson

I really this quote. Often we view ourselves with such a low image that we need to bend down just to see it, discrediting our talents and abilities, our God-given talents and abilities, we constantly bury them in the sand like the third worker who felt his ability was not up to standard. God isn't too happy about that though, after all, if these talents did come from him, they cannot be bad, they can only be good, since after all God is infinite goodness, and we are his children, his creations.

When we doubt our abilities, we are not just hurting the one who gave them to us, but we are also hurting ourselves because we will never actually witness the power of our potential. It will forever remain exactly as that, potential. Since when you do something with the goal of failing in mind, you will definitely reach that goal. After all, failing is a rather easy goal to achieve, it is simple and tempts with laziness. where we could have done ten questions for example, we do 5 instead, citing inability as the excuse for our failings, knowing full well that this is not true.

When we do anything in life, time only offers you one opportunity. Anyone who tells you otherwise is misinformed. For the window for that opportunity to archieve or complete or partake in it in that timeframe and period with those people, or circumstances only comes once in your life. This is simply since time while a relative concept, happens to flow only in one direction. We can never go back to it. A wise priest named Fr. Keane, once told me: Why live in the past? it is over, you do not exist there. Why live in the future? it has not began yet. But you exist in the present, here and now. So you should make the best of it and live. CS Lewis too argues this in his Screwtape Letters, citing that the past is a solid concept, it is over and cannot be changed. The future is fluid, changeable, wieldable, malleable, it is full of infinite possiblity and that is where the devil might now tempt us. After all it is full of success, scary success and that is where we fall. We fail becuase we are scared to achieve such glory, we are scared of becoming that person.

Inasmuch as we are afraid to succeed, we will surely fail. After all that is the logical goal. And this fear of success can be seen in all our lives. We are scared to know God more, because we are scared of who we will become, we are scared to achieve are dreams, because we will become someone that is beyond our current idea of ourselves. And this fear is stemmed from risk. We are putting ourselves at risk the minute we decide to achieve our goals, we are making ourselves vulnerable to forces beyond our control, we have left the coach and tv and actually gone out into the world. We have just left our comfort zone. However, we know we are not alone, for God will never give us a task so daunting and so difficult that we will not be able to achieve it, for he only gives us what we are capable of. It is because of this that we know we will have a companion always on the journey, for God is always with us and he is the almighty and all powerful, so we should trust in him. After all, Jesus said 'For humans it is impossible, but with God all things are possible' (matt. 19:26)

In the end, we have no excuse not to succeed in life and give God the glory with the talents he has bestowed upon us, save the ones that we create and give ourselves. So what have you done to best use your talents?

i am free.

sa·cred [sey-krid]
–adjective 1. devoted or dedicated to a deity or to some religious purpose; consecrated.
2. entitled to veneration or religious respect by association with divinity or divine things; holy.
3. pertaining to or connected with religion (opposed to secular or profane): sacred music; sacred books.
4. reverently dedicated to some person, purpose, or object: a morning hour sacred to study.
5. regarded with reverence: the sacred memory of a dead hero.
6. secured against violation, infringement, etc., as by reverence or sense of right: sacred oaths; sacred rights.
7. properly immune from violence, interference, etc., as a person or office

of all the words for that could have stumped me in vocab, it had to be the one which is used almost in daily life. 3 days till math. i can get a B. i just need to finish all the questions. ):

we'll come back and you'll taste your blood.

21-18

you might have won this time by a damn cheap last minute try, but i guarrantee we'll back and next time it'll be worst. Hope you feel lucky today punks.

in other news, today was the first day that the j1 babies trashed their colours of benniton and donned the supreme colours of anglo-chinese junior college. i must say they looked so mature and smart in their new uniforms. i'm sure kelvyna told them that too. i wouldn't know, i missed assembly and many periods ):.

sigh i feel so old. and i was enjoying the colour. oh well.

tired world.

so unfit, so tired, so uninspired.
sometimes i wonder how i pull through, everytime i keep wasting my time doing things online, when i should be mugging, every single minute. yet, i'm talking to friends, checking out facebook and stuff.

terms are coming, just around the corner, hiding, lying in wait. i know it's there, that's the best part, it's an easy kill, yet i'm not working towards it. it should be no problem for me to get a B grade average, but i don't feel i'm doing enough work, i don't feel there's enough time to practice. i wish i could just pon school the whole week and study at home, but that won't help much, plus i won't get to play ib on wed. blah..

mugmugmug