Dreams.

Today I had the privilege to have a look inside the mind of a dear friend. It was, admittedly, an ill begotten privilege to venture so deep inside his mind. I feel horrible that I partook in it. The venture itself was unexpected, but I saw his deepest dream.

The contents of the dream are neither relevant to this short essay, nor do I have the right or desire to share it. Safe to say, the ambition, whilst possible and plausible in the current situation, was far from ideal. To have attained it in this manner would have been a mockery of his ideal in the first place. Safe to say, he has never ventured into it.

To summarize, it is possible to attain his ideal, but he will sacrifice may other important things along the way to achieve, so many that, in his fervently practical nature, it is unrealistic.

I feel deeply sad for him that he cannot pursue this dream. It is a very noble career. It made realize that in pursuit of my own dream, that of practicing medicine, that I am blessed to continue to have the opportunity to realize it, even if the sacrifices are difficult. I guess the choice I shall have to make is the one he faced, to be content here for he is very blessed, or to risk all for that one dream. In mine too, I shall face the same dilemma.

For me, to carry on this road shall mean great sacrifices. I shall go have to go away, leaving my family behind. That pains me greatly. I may not be the perfect son, far from it, but my parents have always been as perfect as they could to raise a child that does not conform to anything in any textbook anywhere except clinical ones. I may just as well put aside my dream of one day having a family. I am getting old, and I know that I will get sucked in completely to that world of medical academia.

However, I cannot and will not begin to compare the risks of our dreams. For him much more is at stake, for him, much more could have been lost. He is a very valiant man. In comparison, my task amounts to nothing. I admire him for his courage, not just in his dream, but in his ability to turn away from it, even though deep down it hurts so much, even if he would never mention it. It is a hurt that will be always there.

The matriarch of the Kennedy Family, Rose Kennedy once said, 'It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.'

This will be in his dreams forever. He is obsessed.

So am I. Time and time again, my path to medical school has been strewn with insurmountable obstacles and more often than not, the path is shrouded in much smoke and mirrors. One of the most important things to have in applying for medical school are grades, I had the worst luck of having the combination of being both severely ADHD and to be stuck in the utilitarian competitive machine of the Singaporean Educational system. It is honestly by the grace of God that I have managed to venture so far inside the system and still come away with curiosity and the deep desire to learn. I still am, however, uncertain of the future. It is unnerving.

I cannot give this up though. It may not seem like the wisest decision, far better careers, far more financially stable, for better job security (all with better working hours). I won't be able to live with myself for not seeing this through until the very end. I do honestly wonder if it is he who has made the right choice.

At the very least, should I be forced off the path permanently, and stuffed into a cubical someone doing a menial job I don't care very much about(I cannot even fathom what that will be!), I shall have benefited greatly from the process. I have to admit that my journey thus far, in all it's curves and bends, has taught me far more than I would have learned had I been allowed to take the more linear path. I would have probably been miserable. The most important thing that I have learnt is to trust God more.

It is the most unnerving thing of all. Especially for a schemer like me. I need to know, if this what I'm doing, I need to be thinking three, four, five steps ahead. Yet, often, especially in this journey, I cannot see beyond my nose. God is clearly in the driver's seat. I just hope as I sit down next to him, I shall have the courage to open my eyes and be ready to alight where he so desires.

This is often an issue that ends up being discussed in our 'sharing' sessions during RCIY. Where is God leading me? Is this really what he wants me to do? To be honest, the truth is I do not know, and I am sure that no one knows. It is easy to apply human rationalization to every point in my journey to say that God is truly pushing me in this direction. He's given me the necessary skill sets, he's changed me in ways I'd never imagine. However, there are just too many variables to be sure. I cannot find comfort in that.

I guess that I am just stubborn. Then again I don't know.

I also realize that this post has digressed pretty far from the faint idea of where I originally intended. Like this post, I don't know exactly where I'm going now. I can only pray that it is the right way. That's all anyone can pretty much do. Pray. I shall chase this dream until otherwise.