A little time to reflect.

I had this thought the other day. It was rather unexpectedly injected into my prefrontal cortex. I was thinking about euthanasia, and juxtaposing how the utilitarian values the quadriplegic person as opposed to the Christian. Rather standard mock argument and reflecting. Then I just pictured myself getting run over by a car and loosing sensation from neck down. I heard the doctor telling someone about the options and how humane it would be to terminate my life. And I saw myself blinking a great deal to say, 'don't kill me, I'm alive!'

Of course, survival thoughts turned to thoughts of 'what now?'. To be completely dependent, and vulnerable and unable to do move or do anything at all. The ADHD kid's worst nightmare! We are a special bunch, us ADHD kids, we need to run and jump and just be hyper. There's always something that has to be done. I remember when I had a multi-ligament tear in my ankle earlier this year, and for the first day or two before the air cast, I was confined to house, and not just the house, but to a particular floor. I almost went crazy from having nothing to do and no one to talk to. Being paralysed would be far worse! Imagine, all that, while not being able to even talk! Don't forget, no more nice food, because you can't chew or there's fear of you choking on it. Never mind, basic bodily functions.

Ya, I think being paralysed is kinda inconvenient.

Anyway, what struck me was, what would I do all day? And the answer was simple. Pray. I'll just pray all day, and find someway to spend much of my time in adoration. It's like being a monk....in your body!

What was not so simple was when I found myself asking, 'assuming it is God's will that you are paralysed tomorrow, or now? then what?' and I knew he answer was the one mentioned above, but I didn't like the reluctance in my heart for not immediately reaching to share in the cup of suffering and carry my cross.

O Lord my God, I now at this moment, readily and willingly accept at Thy hand, whatever kind of death it may please Thee to send me, with all it's pain, penalties and sorrow. Amen.