FAT DOCTORS.

I can't concentrate anymore, there are too many faraway thoughts swimming in my head, and I'd rather not dwell on them or I might play Toccata in Dm on repeat. Mmm.. I shall write instead. Aren't you lucky, two posts in forty hours, during exam season. Actually, that's a tremendous achievement for normal periods. Fortuna te benedicit.

I came across this article trolling Medscape yesterday, 'Can Hospitals Say, 'Only Thin Doctors Can Work Here.' I laughed. It was almost as funny as the opthamologists are happiest doctors article. It's an interesting read, or listen; as it's a transcript of a vodcast, of a ethical analysis on the this Texan Hospital's latest policy.

Basically, the hospital is basing it's rationale on the idea that one cannot hold double standards. That is, one cannot tell a patient to keep fit and healthy if oneself is unfit and unhealthy, thus showing a hypocrisy in the physicians ideas. Hypocrisy is very much disdained in society for the lack of integrity that it shows a person has. Thought, typically hypocrisy is a moral dilemma. For example, it would be hypocritical for a parent to tell a child not to tell lies, then after that proceed to lie; whether or not in the presence of the child is irrelevant, the action itself destroys the parent's moral authority. While not a complete example, I am sure that you my dear can appreciate the situation. Within hypocrisy is the problem that whilst the moral teaching is correct, because the teaching authority does not follow the teaching, the innate sense of justice embedded in our souls spots the injustice immediately, and then the fallen human nature asks, 'if he, who is the supposed moral and righteous one does not follow his own teachings, why should we have to?'. After all, to be good and virtuous is a challenge that one strives for one's entire life. A life of sin is a life of laziness and easiness.

So thus, it begs the questions of whether being fat is immoral, and whether a fat doctor is morally capable of giving orders to his fat patients to be healthy and lose weight. Of course, ideally, everyone should be fit and healthy, and I emphasis that the definition of healthy does merely mean keeping one's weight within the boundaries of acceptable; it includes cardiovascular fitness, blood plasma levels of various nutrients, normal blood pressure, etc. Also, we do have a moral obligation to God and to society to take care of our bodies, for our body is to be the tabernacle of the Sacratissimum, and to contribute to society requires our good health. That said, a duty to the health of our souls is of much greater important to the Lord, and care for the soul will hopefully translate into care for the body through the virtues of moderation and temperance. Also, many would argue with regards to doctoring, it is a fairly sedentary job, so being unhealthy may not necessary cripple one's abilities to work. However, these points are not crucial in tho this question, and I merely them up to remind there is a duty to one's health. Yes, I am a really lousy writer.

So, returning to the moral question. I would argue that being fat is not necessarily immoral, save when it is caused out of conscious constant gluttony and sloth. While the hospital policy extends to all staff in the hospital, I shall only write with regards to doctors, since that is my area, however, I certain that the situation is similar for nurses as well. If one is familiar with the life of the junior doctor, one will know that the five years of medical school hardly provide much time for relaxation and personal time, in the latter part of school, studying is done on top of spending the entire day in the hospital, clerking patients or observing clinics or surgery. The years following graduation are similar; the studying never stops though now the doctor has the added responsibility of treating patients, and being on call. In Singapore, a call is 36hrs, and one has to do 6 a month. While the med student may clock off from the hospital on time, the doctors rarely ever do, there is always some patient that needs tending to, or some emergency to be looked into. Work begins early in the day, usually at six am, and doesn't end until six or seven (I might be exaggerating a little). Hence, there is actually little time that can be spent exercising, and often the temptation of eating a quick meal is strong. Who doesn't want to come home after a long day, grab a quick bite from a hawker centre of fast food joint and collapse on the couch? Also, there is the issue of smoking physicians, though most of them hide it from their patients. Hey, habits like that are hard to kick when you pick them up at 18. Hence, personal health sometimes takes a backseat to other pressing duties. However, this is not to let medical professionals of the hook, merely for you to appreciate the situation.

Anyway, being fat has nothing to do with being a good doctor. Doctors, of all people, know very intimately the effects and correlations to diseases linked to being fat. Furthermore, patients go to doctors to receive treatment and advice on how to cure their diseases, thus, what they are seeking is the doctor's knowledge, and medical skills. The doctors aren't personal trainers after all, they don't look after fitness, they look after health, though the two are related.

That said, it is a rather hilarious situation, considering, doctors are not exactly a commodity in excess in most parts of the world. Of course, the entire thing is a superficial ethical issue. Actually, the only reason that I am writing this is because I really hope this silliness does not become a trend worldwide. Well, actually, this is hope is more selfish that it seems, you see, I am about the size of a whale, and I really hope that I do not end up employable when I graduate in 5 years.

<--- david. That is humpback whale, by the way. I wanted to use a picture of a killer whale, because they are my favourite species, but they aren't really whales. I also thought of using a sperm whale picture, because most cartoons draw sperm whales, but alas, I am not so great as the magnificent sperm whale who fights epic battles with giant squid in the deep depths of the ocean, and from time to time butts heads with obsessed, self-glorified fishermen in submarines. So the humpback, a dumb, fat, gentle whale who makes annoying sounds. Sounds like me.

To elaborate a little on Embryology.

I am taking a short break from my harrowing studies. So as requested, I will elaborate on my pseudotheology on the my earlier post on embryology. 

So, a brief recap of the fertilisation process.

After ejaculation, ~5,000,000 sperm swim up the uterus into the fallopian tubes. Only about 200 sperm actually make it, and they take about 3-4hrs to actually be able to fertilise. They surround the egg, which is covered by layers of glycoproteins and other stuff, and uses enzymes to burrow to reach the egg's actual membrane, where it fuses with it, joining the two together, and emptying the sperm's genetic cargo into the egg's cytoplasm. The sperm also releases enzymes which begin a cortical reaction in the egg, that prevents other sperm from entering. Therefore it is just one sperm and one egg alone. The chromosomes combine, and the process of division begins.

At this point, the cell is now called a Zygote, from the greek ζυγωτός (zygotos), meaning yoked. Now, here's where the pseudotheology comes in. To yoke something, for the vocabulary challenged, that is me, means to join together, or to bind. A yoke is actually a wooden beam that you put on oxen so you could pair two of them together.

So you have that passage in the bible, (Mk 10:9), 'What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder.' The original greek word used for 'joined' is 'συνέζευξεν (synezeuxen)', which is a very strong word for yoke or couple. Hence, I think it is rather fitting that consequence of the consummation of Holy Matrimony, is a biological process rather similar to sacrament. Here the man and woman are forever 'yoked' together in this new life, and there is nothing in the world that can ever separate the two parts. And like in Holy Matrimony, where God is is the third person of the marriage, so is he the third person involved in conception (or rather he has allowed the husband and wife this special privilege to co-create with him), for at the point of conception, he ensouls this new life. A cosmic act of creation that changes the universe! If you think about it, in the entire galaxy, at this very second, there is a set and finite number of everything, atoms, people, etc, but when conception occurs, that number is changed, and new soul is created (I got this last bit off Fr Barron, I think). I suppose it is all fitting, after all, marriage is the beginning of a new life.


That's it for the pseudotheology, now for some other interesting allegories. Within 24 hours, the single cell zygote, all the while hard at work, divides into a two cell conceptus. The word is latin for 'conception', obviously, from which the english word is derived. It is interesting too that this is the particular nomenclature for the two cell zygote as agreed by Embryologists. I suppose, one cannot be a professor of the study of how life begins and develops and not agree that life begins at conception. This rather difficult to ignore fact is plastered all over embryology textbooks. (Though of course, if you're pro-choice, life begins at 14 days, or in the third trimester...or well, maybe at the age of seven, according to some bioethicists who promote infantcide...sorry 'post-birth abortion').


By day 6 or 7, the embryo, has divided many more times, turned into a blastocyst, travelled a long journey to the uterus and began the process of implantation. It literally burrows its way into the its mother's uterus, by using enzymes that digest the outermost layer of the uterus, allowing it to burrow into the endometrial tissue. And, like any good mum who embraces her child when he comes running to her, the endometrium will actually grows over the embryo!

The entire process is completed by the 14th day, and by the 16th day the placenta begins to form. It is a special tissue that is a combination of both fœtal cells and the mother's cells. It provides the embryo with oxygen, nutrients, and removes waste from the embryo. It actually a very interesting link, as the mother's immune cells do not attack the growing child within her, though they have direct access, and also, that the embryonic cells can actually travel across the placenta into the mother's blood stream! At this stage, they are still stem cells and the mother will carry them for life. That's right, for every child that is conceived in her womb, that child does not only take her flesh and blood, but literally becomes apart of her's! Mothers are awesome!


I got the last bit of this article, which you should all read. In it, the author goes on to contemplate how the Blessed Virgin Mary literally carried her the body of Christ within her all her life, and how she was always in communion with God. It is amazing thought! Can you imagine, God took her flesh, and then dwelt in her from then on. How the protestants can ever say that she isn't special is beyond me. No one has been blessed like she has, or done what she has, or received what she received, and no one ever will. Also, My CTS Missal has reflections for the rosary with regards to the Eucharist, and for the second joyful mystery, on the visitation, it reflects about how Our Lady acted as the viaticum, the little metal box made to hold the Sacratissimum which was to be brought to the sick, carrying our Lord to her cousin, heavily pregnant (and of course, later she presents her precious child to the whole world, to us, during the presentation). Our Lady always brings her son to us, and the only way we can get to know Him proper, is to get to know her.

Most Holy Theotokos, save us!

What I did during Physics today.

 

But I swear I was paying attention! I will admit to being distracted. I wonder if I should have added a little bow to her hair.

Also this song is stuck in my mind.

開首的一篇是某某出生　媽媽給寶寶奉上這一生頭一吻
開端之後或晴或暗　怎麼走就像連續劇 也 欠缺安穩

或者　於某集我可抬頭欣賞到你
或者　一轉念便要失去你
或者　轉折漸太多　遺忘怎擁抱你
或者　擁緊偏已斷氣

情人們一呼一吸相愛到底　結局或同樣
仍想將你我這幕　演得更理想
能修補即管修補　不要再想　再一刻人便缺氧
熟悉的歌曲　等與你合唱
「彈蘭啲罅 彈蘭啲罅 彈」
「彈蘭啲罅 彈蘭啲罅 彈」

新一章怎可是你我分開　可否改寫得像你我當初還相愛
只可惜上集難逆轉　傷感的下集仍然未播　我會修改

如果　當晚沒有分神來緊張佈置
如果　不必誤會再猜疑
如果　將對白說得平和　不加諷刺
如果　真的可有下次

情人們一呼一吸相愛到底　結局或同樣
仍然能拖緊彼此　走絕地雪霜
如能重修好一雙　不要再想　再一刻人便缺氧
明知可一起　不要再獨唱

情人們一呼一吸相愛到底　結局或同樣
仍想將你我這幕　演得更理想
如能重修好一雙　不要再想 再一刻誰亦要退下場
多得你在場 多得我在場 天空也在場 演好這一章 呼吸太無常

Some days you feel like Faust.

Muse.

Far away, this ship is taking me far away,
far away from the memories
of the people who care if I live or die.
This starlight, I will be chasing a starlight,
until the end of my life;
I don't know if it's worth it anymore.

Hold you in my arms,
I just wanted to hold you in my arms...

Work is getting to me.

Work is getting to me. Here's what happens when I study too much.

We're been doing the reproduction system and embryology. I really like embryology. The language is so full of life. I think it's difficult to be an embryologist and study the miracle of conception and still come to the conclusion that it's merely a bunch of cells.

When the egg is fertilised by the sperm, above, the head of the sperm actually fuses with the egg and the contents, that is the father's contribution to the DNA of the new child enters into the cytoplasm of the egg. Then it is called a Zygote, which is from the greek, ζυγωτός, meaning yoked, or joined. 

And then 24 short hours later, the single cell zygote divides into a two cell zygote, now called the 'Conceptus, which is rather obvious what it means.

The part about the calling it a zygote can be expounded theologically. I'll leave that to you.

Marriage.

My first Easter break was tremendously packed, as I expected it to be. On top of Holy Week and all the wonderful Easter celebrations, my friends got married. His fiancée having just been baptised and confirmed into the Church this Easter, had the great privilege of receiving four sacraments over the Easter octave! WOW.

Anyway, the whole event allowed me the opportunity to the reflect on the rite of Holy Matrimony in the Extraördinary Form. From my  missal:

I, N., take thee, N., to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, to love, and to cherish, till death do us part; and thereto I plight thee my troth.

I, N., take thee, N., to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, to love, cherish, and obey*, till death do us part; and thereto I plight thee my troth.

*biblically and theologically correct ;)

I love that last phrase, 'plight thee my troth'. Of course, plight here takes the verb, which means to pledge, and troth means truth and fidelity and loyalty. Though that said, to love is to suffer, and to be married, to deny oneself for one's spouse, marriage would be a plight, though a good one, no?

On a lighter note, I think my future fiancée and I are gonna end up fighting a lot when we plan our wedding. For sho'. This is what happens when you are a tad...okay...a huge liturgical geek. I foresee,

'No sweetheart, we can't have spirit wings! It's a hideous song, besides, it's not liturgical and it sounds horrid on organ. What about some Victoria?'

'But no one can understand Latin!'
'It doesn't matter, only the Mass is in Latin, they don't need to understand that. Adds to the mystery and the priest is really praying to God anyway. It won't be too silent, there'll be Josquin des Prez!'

'What's wrong with Marty Haugen....?'

'Dear, your programme draft seems to have huge boxes saying, 'please do not applaud, you are in a sacred space' on every page. That's a bit excessive isn't it?'

Actually I want Mozart at my wedding, but I'm not important enough.

I jest. I probably won't be getting married anyway, seeing how things are going. Oh well. Here's a nice video on chastity and fidelity before marriage.

One Lifetime.

Aragorn: You said you'd bind yourself to me, forsaking the immortal life of your people.
Arwen: And to that I hold. I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone.

Idiocy

I am taking a break from my non-existent studying to write about the Escape Chapel Party at CHIJmes, because it is an extreme example of the increasing religious stupidity in the world.

I haven't been around Singapore much lately, however, it is rather unappealing to return to such dreary news. There was Welsh club, Escape, who has booked the deconsecrated chapel of the former Convent of the Holy Infant Jesus school premises, now called CHIJmes, a 'lifestyle' destination, whatever that means. Together with a marketing agency has set up a party set to take place on Good Friday and Holy Saturday. The part is called the Escape Chapel Party. The marketing for the event was posters of girls in modified habits, or I should say slutified habits. Very immodest, very demeaning.

You can read the more than appropriate outcry from Catholics in this article.

However, what was absolutely appalling to me was the depth of degradation that director of the creative agency descended to in order to save his company some face for desecration of sacred objects or objects associated with sacred things. Here are some of the things that he said, from the above article. [My comments]

Responding to Yahoo! Singapore’s queries, director at Creative Insurgence Aaghir Yadav said the party was actually intended to occur earlier this year, over the Chinese New Year weekend, but was postponed to the next public holiday weekend, which happened to be Good Friday.

“The overlap with Easter weekend was not intended to be offensive. We have since been in touch with the Archbishop’s office to explain our position and have apologised for offending anyone unintentionally,” he said.

He added the main concept of the party was to help UK-based club brand Escape gauge the viability of setting up a franchise club here.

He also maintained that the party has no theme, but is instead focussed on the music of the Welsh label, [The party is on GOOD FRIDAY, and you advertised with girls in habits. Are not trying to imply the theme with your advertising?] saying that the fact that it would be held in a chapel led them to follow the theme in some of its promotional material.[Riiight.]

“We would like to clarify that the images contained no religious symbolism,” Yadav added [They were girls dressed in habits. The habit has only one kind of symbolism, it is the wedding dress of the bride of Christ. It was created to be so.], saying he realised that his image of two of his friends in nun-inspired Cosplay costumes had “unintentionally upset['upset' is an understatement.] some people”, hence the decision to remove it.

“This also applied to teasers that said nuns will be at the party — we meant the secularised, costume version that contains no religious symbolism[This has got to be the icing on the cake. How far down the beaten path do you have to go to think that an object created specifically and solely for religious use, and is still in use today for that purpose, could become secularised and have no religious meaning at all?]. However, in light of these sensitivities we will not be doing this as well,” he said.

That said, this brings the question to mind how is it possible that anyone could even get that idea in the first place? It could be a possibility that they've never seen real nuns before or religious sisters, or even religious for that matter. Of course, granted that's very likely possibility given that there are only 210,000 Catholics in the 5.2 million people country. There is another factor, that you scarcely see the religious themselves walk around in their proper garb! You can forget about collars too. How often do you see a priest in his office in a collar.

The Catholic community in Singapore has long been slowly losing its Catholic identity. In a country where one isn't being persecuted for being Christian or Catholic, it would be very safe to walk around in clerical garb. How wonderful it would be to see Franciscans in their habits in Orchard road having lunch, or even some the nuns or priests walking around in their habits and cassocks. It would surely raise the pride of being Catholic and the Catholic identity. Not to mention emphasis the ontocological sacramental character of the ordained.

Read more here.

Likewise, I think that any lay person who is given the privilege to minister to the priest during Mass should be cassocked at the very least. I have seen some people during the 7am morning mass swag down the Church like they owned it.

40 Days for Life.

It is lovely to be in Catholic country where abortion is illegal and there is an active prolife movement trying to stop referrals to have abortions performed overseas. Being lent, they do the 40 Days for Life here as well, and have people outside the 'Reproductive Choices' clinic to counsel people who enter and to pray. Today was a bit of an adventure. I just missed the first part where masked 'bandits' on bicycle swung by and lobed water bombs at the prolifers standing outside, that is two women, a man and a baby. Yes, these idiots threw a water bomb at a baby in her pram. The little girl was an absolute heroine who did not even cry during the entire ordeal. If you're reading this, would you please stop and say a prayer for these young, probably uninformed, hoodlums.

The second it was a bit more fun. Usually you would only have a few volunteers outside the clinic so as not to appear intimidating, but a busload of people from out of town heard about this and wanted to do it. Well you can't really say no. When they alighted the bus like soldiers, moving speedily into formation. A group immediately started praying the rosary. The other half went to the Church nearby to seek the mercy of God upon the clinic. A man, like a wizened Sergeant Major, came out and start throwing blessed salt on the pavement outside the clinic and another, holy water. Ya, you know you're when you're with the Church Militant when they bring such powerful spiritual weapons with them. Spiritual weapons of mass protection. HOOORAH! :P

Today I played with broken hearts.

Now, I have formalin fingers ):

The Lorica of St Patrick.

Lorica of Saint Patrick

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through a belief in the Threeness,
Through confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation.

I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth and His baptism,
Through the strength of His crucifixion and His burial,
Through the strength of His resurrection and His ascension,
Through the strength of His descent for the judgment of doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of cherubim,
In obedience of angels,
In service of archangels,
In the hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In the prayers of patriarchs,
In preachings of the apostles,
In faiths of confessors,
In innocence of virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven;
Light of the sun,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of the wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of the earth,
Firmness of the rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
From snares of the devil,
From temptations of vices,
From every one who desires me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a mulitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and evil,
Against every cruel merciless power that opposes my body and soul,
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom,
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of women and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.
Christ shield me today
Against poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against wounding,
So that reward may come to me in abundance.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through a belief in the Threeness,
Through a confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation

St. Patrick (ca. 377)

from www.ewtn.com

The Future?

I have just been having a very depressing conversation with C about the sordid state that traditional minded Catholics in Singapore are facing. The truth is that our little community is held by a thin glue that barely justifies the community.Where we should be coming together and forming our own community and actually make an impact in the diocese, we are spread far too thin in our own parish commitments and against great opposition to basic teachings of the church, never mind what language they are thought in. I do not underestimate the effort that is put into these commitments, they are some of the most noble and commendable efforts, and I know, because I too am part of this effort to provide authentic instruction for the youth. Though, that comes at our peril, often we stand alone in these communities, are see as the far too conservative lone voice against the popular uninstructed crowd. We make our own spiritual lives, keeping the office, adoration and Mass at the centre of our lives, but we do not have the community, and any efforts to create one are sidestepped by commitments. I wonder if our efforts are misplaced. I honestly believe that it would just take a small group of people who are willing to meet once a week to sing vespers, do some spiritual contemplation and have supper, and that will build, but it will require some sacrifices. Perhaps, it is that sacrifice that many are unable to handle, to remove oneself from the much needed community of our neighbourhood parish. Maybe, I am asking for too much.

However, that is the truth. No one is willing to make a move. Today, was the monthly prolife Mass. C, who organised it, told me no one turned up. Not even anyone who was/is on the original core team. We can't even put together something that is not far from the things most mainstream Catholics believe in, how do we maintain our community? I wonder what will happen when Fr and Fr, who are both greatly advanced in age, will no longer be able to say Latin Mass for us? How long more will they be around for? They are both over eighty. When they go, what will happen to our community? Most of the servers with vocations would ideally like to enter the FSSP, who do not have a community here. All the traditional Singaporean priests are ministering abroad. I wonder if our traditional Catholics will also seek jobs overseas where they can at least foster their spiritual life. This is a great frustration for many of us who are seeking more, who need more. Even I am tempted to remain in Europe, possibly even in Dublin, so that I will have access to things spiritually edifying.

Perhaps, I am too selfish in my desire to see actual practising Catholics in Singapore. We are definitely nowhere near the dire state that much of Ireland is in. There are many baptisms every year at the Easter Vigil, even if they never completely understand the basic tenets of the faith. I wonder whether I should just learn to compromise and suffer in silence. However, one does not simple compromise the truth. I felt the prangs already, when I was back over the last two holidays. It is probably to the point where one seeks edifying homilies and instructions through other means, where one questions whether one can seek a local priest for spiritual advice knowing the shady theology with which they lead their lives. Whatever it is, someone needs to make a move soon. The biological solution, unfortunately, does not only work on errant priests. The clock is ticking.

Our Lady, Help of Christians and Queen of Priests, pray for us!

Youth Defence Celebrates 20 years of keeping Ireland Abortion Free

It is very exciting to be in a country with an active prolife movement, and also, a country that where abortion is illegal. Ireland is the safest place for a mother and child to be in the world. Living proof that abortion is never medically necessary. It just goes to show that if doctors spend their improving their techniques to save people instead of kill them, they end up...saving more people. It seems like common sense, but according to moderns, it would be rather counter-intuitive.

Yet, we must still pray because idiots are trying to ruin this glorious safe haven for babies and mothers by trying to get abortion legalised here in Ireland.

With new friends that I made while praying outside the abortion referral clinic.

Today, I witnessed a most profound thing. After the Mass today, the visiting celebrant after de-vesting, went out of the sacristy, out of the sanctuary, to a corner of the altar rails, knelt down and prayed before the Sacratissimum in the tabernacle. I'd never seen that before. The immediacy and humility of it all. God first, then pastoral duties.

That visiting priest was the Superior General of the Priestly Fraternity of St Peter.

That reminds me of another story I was told, of another priest, or a bishop rather, who gave to God first. That man was Fulton Sheen. At the conference of all the Bishops of the USA, he was asked to give the opening address, and in classic Sheen style, he told them, 'I am more influential than every single one of you. When I talk, people listen to me. Do you want to know why? Because, every morning, I spend one hour kneeling in front of the Blessed Sacrament.'

Truly inspiring!

Devotions for Communion.

Before Communion

Direct Your Intention
O Lord Jesus Christ, King of everlasting glory, behold I desire to come to Thee this day, and to receive Thy Body and Blood in this heavenly Sacrament, for Thy honour and glory, and the good of my soul. I desire to receive Thee, because it is Thy desire and Thou hast so ordained: blessed be Thy Name for ever. I desire to come to Thee like the Magadalen, that I may be delievered from all my evils, and embrace Thee, my only Good. I desire to come to Thee, that I may be happily united to Thee, that I may henceforth abide in Thee, and Thou in me; and that nothing in life or death may ever separate me from Thee.

Commemorate the Passion of Christ

I desire, in these holy Mysteries, to commemorate as Thou hast commanded, all Thy sufferings; Thine agony and bloody sweat; Thy being betrayed and apprehended; all the reproached and calumnies, all the scoffs and affronts, all the blows and buffets Thou hast endured for me; Thy being scourged, crowned with thorns, and loaded with a heavy cross for my sins, and for those of the whole world; Thy crucifixion and death, togther with Thy glorious Resurrection and trimphant Ascension. I adore Thee, and give Thee thanks for all that thou hast done and suffered for us, and for giving us in this Blessed Sacrament this pledge of our redemption, this Victim of our ransom, this Body and Blood which was offered us.

Act of Love

As the hart panteth after the fountains of water, so my soul panteth after Thee, O God! "My soul hath thirsted after the strong, living God; when shall I come and appear before the face of God?" "For what have I in heaven? And besides Thee, what do I desire on earth?" Let blind and infatuated worldlings intoxicate themselves with the false, transient, and fading happiness of this life; for my part, nothing besides Thyself can content me, either in heaven or on earth. Come then, O Thou Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world! Come, Thou beloved of my heart! Adorable Flesh and precious Blood of my Saviour! Come, to nourish, comfort, and enliven my sickly soul. O God of my heart! Let me neither love, seek, nor think of any other object but Thyself alone; for Thou alone art my consolation, my treasure, my joy, my life, my all!

"My heart and my flesh have rejoiced in the living God... Thou art, O Lord of hosts! My King and my God!" "Who will give me wings like a dove and I will fly and be at rest!"

Act of Humility

O GOD of sanctity! Who am I, that Thou shouldst come to me? "The heavens are not pure in Thy sight," and wilt Thou dwell in my heart? "Lord! I am not worthy that Thou shouldst enter under my roof." The consciousness of my unworthiness would prompt me to exclaim: "Depart from me, O Lord! For I am a sinner." But oh, the wonderful condescension of Thy love! Thy pressing invitation encourages me, and dispels my fears. "Here I am, for Thou didst call me." Come then, O Jesus! Take possession of a heart that wishes to belong to Thee. "Behold! They that go far from Thee shall perish." But, O my God! this house of my heart is too narrow for Thee: do Thou enlarge it; it is falling to ruin; do Thou repair it; it has been defiled by sin: do Thou cleanse and purify it. Look Thou upon me, and have mercy on me. Oh, heal my soul, for I have sinned against Thee! Let Thy tender mercies come unto me, and I shall live! Lord! I am not worthy that Thou shouldst enter under my roof; say but the word, and my soul shall be healed.

Prayer of St Thomas Aquinas

Almighty and Eternal God, behold I come to the sacrament of Your only-begotten Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. As one sick I come to the Physician of life; unclean, to the Fountain of mercy; blind, to the Light of eternal splendor; poor and needy to the Lord of heaven and earth. Therefore, I beg of You, through Your infinite mercy and generosity, heal my weakness, wash my uncleanness, give light to my blindness, enrich my poverty, and clothe my nakedness. May I thus receive the Bread of Angels, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, with such reverence and humility, contrition and devotion, purity and faith, purpose and intention, as shall aid my soul’s salvation.

Grant, I beg of You, that I may receive not only the Sacrament of the Body and Blood of our Lord, but also its full grace and power. Give me the grace, most merciful God, to receive the Body of your only Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, born of the Virgin Mary, in such a manner that I may deserve to be intimately united with His mystical Body and to be numbered among His members. Most loving Father, grant that I may behold for all eternity face to face Your beloved Son, whom now, on my pilgrimage, I am about to receive under the sacramental veil, who lives and reigns with You, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, God, world without end. Amen.

Prayers After Communion

Prayer of St Thomas Aquinas

I thank You, Lord, Almighty Father, Everlasting God, for having been pleased, through no merit of mine, but of Your great mercy alone, to feed me, a sinner, and Your unworthy servant, with the precious Body and Blood of Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. I pray that this Holy Communion may not be for my judgment and condemnation, but for my pardon and salvation. Let this Holy Communion be to me an armor of faith and a shield of good will, a cleansing of all vices, and a rooting out of all evil desires. May it increase love and patience, humility and obedience, and all virtues. May it be a firm defense against the evil designs of all my visible and invisible enemies, a prefect quieting of all the desires of soul and body. May this Holy Communion bring about a perfect union with You, the one true God, and at last enable me to reach eternal bliss when You will call me. I pray that You bring me, a sinner, to the indescribable Feast where You, with Your Son and the Holy Spirit, are to Your saints true light, full blessedness, everlasting joy, and perfect happiness. Through the same Christ our Lord. Amen

Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me.

Body of Christ, save me.

Blood of Christ, inebriate me.

Water from the side of Christ, wash me.

Passion of Christ, strengthen me.

O good Jesus, hear me.

Within Thy wounds, hide me.

Suffer me not to be separated from Thee.

From the malignant enemy defend me.
In the hour of my death call me.

And bid me come to Thee.
That with Thy Saints I may praise Thee

For ever and ever. Amen.

Prayer of St Bonadventure

Pierce, O most sweet Lord Jesus, my inmost soul with the most joyous and healthful wound of Thy love, and with true, calm and most holy apostolic charity, that my soul may ever languish and melt with entire love and longing for Thee, may yearn for Thee and for thy courts, may long to be dissolved and to be with Thee.
Grant that my soul may hunger after Thee, the Bread of Angels, the refreshment of holy souls, our daily and super substantial bread, having all sweetness and savor and every delightful taste.
May my heart ever hunger after and feed upon Thee, Whom the angels desire to look upon, and may my inmost soul be filled with the sweetness of Thy savor; may it ever thirst for Thee, the fountain of life, the fountain of wisdom and knowledge, the fountain of eternal light, the torrent of pleasure, the fullness of the house of God;
may it ever compass Thee, seek Thee, find Thee, run to Thee, come up to Thee, meditate on Thee, speak of Thee, and do all for the praise and glory of Thy name, with humility and discretion, with love and delight, with ease and affection, with perseverance to the end; and be Thou alone ever my hope, my entire confidence, my riches, my delight, my pleasure, my joy, my rest and tranquility, my peace, my sweetness, my food, my refreshment, my refuge, my help, my wisdom, my portion, my possession, my treasure; in Whom may my mind and my heart be ever fixed and firm and rooted immovably. Amen

Prayer of St Augustine

Before Thy eyes, O Lord, we bring our offences, and we compare them with the stripes we have received.
If we consider the evil we have wrought, what we suffer is little, what we deserve is great.
What we have committed is very grave, what we have suffered is very slight.
We feel the punishment of sin, yet withdraw not from the obstinacy of sinning.
Under Thy lash our inconstancy is visited, but our sinfulness is not changed.
Our suffering soul is tonnented, but our neck is not bent.
Our life groans under sorrow, yet mends not in deed.
If Thou spare us we correct not our ways: if Thou punish we cannot endure it.
In time of correction we confess our wrong-doing: after Thy visitation we forget that we have wept.
If Thou stretchest forth Thy hand we promise amendment; if Thou withholdest the sword we keep not our promise.
If Thou strikest we cry out for mercy: if Thou sparest we again provoke Thee to strike.
Here we are before Thee, O Lord, shameless criminals: we know that unless Thou pardon we shall deservedly perish.
Grant then, almighty Father, without our deserving it, the pardon we ask for; Thou who madest out of nothing those who ask Thee.
Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

V. Deal not with us, O Lord, according to our sins.
R. Neither requite Us according to our iniquities.

Let us pray.

O God, Who by sin art offended and by penance pacified, mercifully regard the prayers of Thy suppliant people, and turn away the scourges of Thy wrath, which we deserve for our sins. Through Christ our Lord. R. Amen.

Obsecro Te

I Beseech Thee,
most sweet Lord Jesus Christ,
that Thy Passion may be to me power
by which I may be strengthened,
protected and defended.

May Thy wounds be to me food
and drink by which I may be nourished,
inebriated, and delighted.

May the sprinkling of Thy Blood be to me
an ablution for all my sins.

May Thy death prove for me unfailing life,
and may Thy Cross be to me eternal glory.

In these be my refreshment,
joy, health, and delight of my heart:
Thou who livest and reignest forever.

Amen.

Act of Resignation to the Divine Wall

O Lord my God, I now at this moment, readily and willingly accept at Thy hand whatever kind of death it may please The to send me, with all its pains, penalties and sorrows.

Indulgence Prayer Before a Crucifix

(En ego, O bene et dulcissime Iesus)

BEHOLD, O good and sweetest Jesus,
I cast myself upon my knees in Thy sight,
and with the most fervent desire of my soul
I pray and beseech Thee
to impress upon my heart
lively sentiments of faith,
hope and charity,
with true repentance for my sins
and a most firm desire of amendment:
whilst with deep affection and grief of soul
I consider within myself
and mentally contemplate Thy five most precious Wounds,
having before mine eyes that which David, the prophet,
long ago spoke in Thine own person concerning Thee,
my Jesus: “They have pierced My hands and My feet,
they have numbered all My bones.”

A Universal Prayer For All Things Necessary to Salvation

O my God, I believe in Thee; do Thou strengthen my faith. All my hopes are in Thee; do Thou secure them. I love Thee with my whole heart; teach me to love Thee daily more and more. I am sorry that I have offended Thee; do Thou increase my sorrow.
I adore Thee as my first beginning; I aspire after Thee as my last end. I give Thee thanks as my constant benefactor; I call upon Thee as my sovereign protector.
Vouchsafe, O my God, to conduct me by Thy wisdom, to restrain me by Thy justice, to comfort me by Thy mercy, to defend me by Thy power.
To Thee I desire to consecrate all my thoughts, words, actions, and sufferings; that henceforward I may think only of Thee, speak of Thee, refer all my actions to Thy greater glory, and suffer willingly whatever Thou shallt appoint.
Lord, I desire that in all thigs Thy will may be done, because it is Thy will, and in the manner that Thou willest.
I beg of Thee to enlighten my understanding, to inflame my heart, to purify my body, and to sanctify my soul.
Give me strength, O my God, to expiate my offenses, to overcome my temptations, to subdue my passions, and to acquire the virtues proper for my state.
Fill my heart with tender affection for Thy goodness, hatred of my faults, love of my neighbor, and contempt of the world.
Let me always remember to be submissive to my superiors, condescending to my inferiors, faithful to my freinds, and charitable to my enemies.
Assist me to overcome sensuality by mortification, avarice by alms-deeds, anger by meekness, and tepidity by devotion.
O my God, make me prudent in my undertakings, courageous in dangers, patient in affliction, and humble in prosperity.
Grant hat I may be ever attentive at my prayers, temperate at my meals, diligent at my employments, and constant in my resolutions.
Let my conscience be ever upright and pure, my exterior modest, my conversation edifying, and my comportment regular.
Assist me that I may continually labor to overcome nature, to correspond with Thy grace, to keep Thy commandments, and to work out my salvation.
Discover to me, O my God, the nothingness of this world, the greatness of heaven, the shortness of time, and the length of eternity.
Grant that I may prepare for death; that I may fear Thy judgments, escape hell, and in the end obtain heaven; through Jesus Christ, my Lord. Amen.

5 Ways to Get the Most Out of Mass

I am writing today because I can no longer study for the rest of the night. Not that I’ve actually finished much work, but it’s a combination of the remaining holiday inertia and forgetting to bring my ADHD meds to Dublin.

Anyway, I am writing because I feel that the average Catholic has a very poor idea of what he is doing at Holy Mass, but on some level desires for much more. If this is you, my dear reader, then please read on and consider what advice I have to offer. If it is not, then please do it share it with a friend who could use it. Now, I shall attempt to keep this as succinct and concise as I can, a great feat if one considers how verbose I usually am.

A priest on youtube once commented how youth find the Mass boring, to which he replied, ‘No, the Mass isn’t boring, YOU’RE BORING!’ When you consider it, the Mass is just about the greatest, most exciting thing in the entire universe. Well, in fact, it actually is. It the very sacrifice of the Saviour of the World, for the redemption of mankind, unfolding, mystically, before your eyes. It is an opportunity for you to enter into the court of God, and hold an audience with Him. So, if you find it boring, then you’re probably a boring person. How can you fix that? Be pro-active in your preparation for Mass. Here are 5 ways to get the most of Mass.

I. PREPARE FOR MASS.

Mass should be the centre of your life, especially on a Sunday. Get into the habit of planning your Sunday around Mass and not the other way around. Don’t just decide to hear the evening Mass on Saturday or Sunday because you want to sleep in. Make sure you dress well, you are going to be in presence of the your Creator and of the whole universe, if you think he’s important, then dress well. Dress modestly too, then you won’t distract people and you won’t worry about people staring at you. That includes the boys as well, who enjoy spray painting their t-shirts onto themselves.

Go for Confession before Mass! Right before Mass if possible, if not, at least 24 hours before. This will get you in the right disposition for Mass and to receive Holy Communion. It will ensure, beyond a doubt that your soul is in a state of sanctifying grace. If you think this is too serious, well, sure if you’re absolutely sure you haven’t sinned all week. Do remember that you are receiving the most sacred (Sacratissimum), you should make sure that you are pure and in sanctifying grace. After all, you are about to become a living Tabernacle for the Sacratissimum. The Holy Church requires that the Sacred Vessels use to contain our Blessed Lord must be made purely of precious metals, that is gold or silver, where possible. And if it is not, then they should be of metal, with the inside gilded and plated with gold. If, Holy Mother Church goes through so much trouble to ensure that her Thrice Holy Spouse is well handled when He visits upon the altar, what more can you do to make yourself as pure as possible to contain the most Sacred? Go for confession.

That means you should be at Church early! Try to get there ten to fifteen minutes before Mass starts; more if you need to go for confession, so that you can pray and put yourself in the right disposition for Mass. Remember, you are not there to attend Mass, you are there to ASSIST at Mass, together with the priest, in offering it for intentions of Christ and other immortal holy souls. Here are some prayers that you can say before Mass in preparation for communion and after receiving communion. Copy and paste them into a word processor and print them out, and always take them with you to Mass.

II. GET A HAND MISSAL.

You can find most of these in a good hand missal. The 1962 hand missals usually have these prayers before communion. For the Mass in the Ordinary Form, I recommend the CTS Missal. It is very good and comes in both a Sunday and Daily Missal format.

A missal also comes in handy as it allows you to properly follow the priest as he prays. St Leonard teaches that one way to assist at Mass is to pray along with the priest. You cannot do that passively listening to what he says unless you have eidetic memory. So, you’ll need a missal. The Saint also teaches that the other way to pray is to know what the priest is praying for an offer our own prayers for the same thing along with the priest. I can imagine St Thérèse doing that. To do that you'll...need your a missal.

If your church provides a missal in the pews, you can use that temporarily, but having your own is most beneficial. It is yours and it is personal, you will know where everything is in that missal, the location of all the prayers and so on. These missals also usually provide little tidbits of information, prayers and devotions and so on. For example, My Baronius has all the important things a Catholic needs to know like the six precepts of the Church, the four cardinal virtues, the ten commandments, etc.

Now, they are not cheap, and may cost up to $100, but they will last you for decades, and the spiritual graces you will get out of using them will outweigh the cost price. Don’t stinge on God and your salvation.

Also, you may have now realised that you might actually have to lug the book to Mass every time you go. Such a chore, you might think, especially you boys who don’t have handbags and don’t like the thought of carrying a bag everywhere. Well man up kids! That missal is like 500g; Christ carried a 200kg cross so that He could see you in heaven. Don’t disappoint Him.

III. BE PRESENT AT THE CONSECRATION

Whether or not you are receiving communion (yes! It is NOT necessary to receive communion every week, or every time you are at Holy Mass; though it is a good practice and one that MUST be supplemented by regular confession), pay attention during the consecration of the bread and wine into the most delightful and Holy Body and Blood of Christ your saviour. This is the most important part of the Mass. The Crux of it all.

When the priest bows to say the words of consecration, bow with him, when he elevates the Sacratissimum after consecration, he is offering up Christ, the perfect and spotless sacrifice, to God the Father. Look up and adore your God and whisper, ‘MY LORD AND MY GOD!’ and mean it with all your heart.

Do the same thing at the elevation of the chalice containing the precious blood, this time whispering, ‘Be mindful, O Lord, of thy creature, whom thou has redeemed through thy most precious blood.’

This is precisely the moment that Christ Himself has become fully and supernaturally present on the altar. The bells ring and draw our attention to this so that we may adore Him as the priest offers this sacrifice to God the Father and the angels hastily take it to heaven.

IV. RECEIVE COMMUNION KNEELING AND ON THE TONGUE

Contrary to René Descartes’ popular philosophy, we are not the separation of our body and soul, mind and spirit. They are one. That is we are body and soul, mind and spirit, and therefore we must not only use our soul, mind and spirit in the worship of God (the interior things), but also our bodies in our worship (the exterior). St Thomas teaches that the interior acts of worship are expressed through our exterior acts and that is why, you kneel throughout consecration, and you bow when the priest genuflects or bows before the most Blessed Sacrament (except when he is leaving the sanctuary, that is at the start and end of Mass).

Which brings me to the most difficult suggestion. Receive communion in the preferred and traditional way of the Holy Mother Church: kneeling and on the tongue. Yes, it is going to be difficult, but if you try it out for a month, you will find your appreciation of the Mass and of God will change. If not, I will buy you dinner. Here are some video reasons, since we all have short attention spans, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jii6NCfTW68 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXzsyuytMlQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ap1KL2D5ae4

That’s a bishop, TWO cardinals and THE POPE who are saying receive communion on the tongue. If that's not enough, here are more reasons: http://www.communion-in-the-hand.org/videos.html

When we kneel, we remind ourselves that we are before God Himself. When we receive communion on the tongue, we remind ourselves of our humility, and complete dependence of Christ, represented by His Holy Priest. The truth about that the Blessed Sacrament is truly Christ Himself will always be so, regardless of whether we believe in it. As being of perception, we need to continuously remind ourselves of this truth, and that is through the actions we perform when we receive this most sacred gift. Being fed brings us back to that CHILDLIKE nature crucial for salvation. Being fed allows us to submit ourselves to Christ!

Also, we remind ourselves of our unworthiness to receive Christ, and we remind ourselves of the dignity and privilege afforded to His chosen priests. Our hands are unclean and unconsecrated and unworthy. 'Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only to say the words and my soul shall be healed.' How blessed are the hands of whom Christ has chosen to hold Him.

I know this is very difficult for some people to do initially, however, it is an opportunity to open your heart to Christ and to ask Him for the grace and courage to deny oneself and to die to oneself for Him. I will pray for you too.

V. LEARN ABOUT THE MASS.

You have been given the gift of intelligence, enough that you can read and understand texts, like this article. So it is obligatory for you to use this gift from God to learn more about His Holy Mass. Here is a good website, it is a book by DOM Prosper Guéranger. It explains the Tridentine Mass though. However, the current Mass is a development from the Tridentine, and has left out some parts. Understanding the Tridentine Mass will allow you to understand the current Mass. It is a very good read.

Also, I recommend getting a copy of St Leonard’s The Hidden Treasure and the Pope’s book, Spirit in the Liturgy.

Here is Archbishop Fulton Sheen explaining the meaning of Masshttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UabMF-8uXxg
And describing the various parts of Mass http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6AOvStZS64

Try all these things out for a month, and see if your appreciation of Mass improves. Most importantly, pray and ask God to give you the grace to appreciate His Holy Mass better.

The Universality of the One True Church.

The third mark of the true Church as professed in the Nicene Creed is that it is ‘Catholic’, from the greek καθολικός, meaning ‘universal’. This is what I love about her, she is the universal Church, a church for all. She provides a means of salvation for everyone, sinners and saints, regardless of colour, language, culture, or depth of depravity. To each one of these, she provides the same means of salvation: the thrice holy sacrifice of the God-Man, Jesus Christ, in the Mass.

Many, many people with good intentions misunderstand this one fact of the universality of the one true Church. They understand the term to mean ecumenism, acceptance, multiculturalism and plurality of practice. Many of the Catholics I have spoken to keep this weird notion of many roads to salvation, many different spiritual practices. For those enjoy it, there is the Latin Mass, and the rest who want to understand what is going on can attend Mass in the vernacular. Those appreciate it can have chant at Mass, the rest can have praise and worship songs or hymns. Even worse are the ones who don’t believe in the superiority of the Catholic Church over all other religions.

I had a very disturbing conversation with a priest about the starting a Catholic Society in School, and he was not to happy that I wanted to make the liturgy and prayer the foundation and cornerstone of the group. He was worried that people with other spiritual inclinations, like providing care for the others, and corporal acts of mercy would get side lined. The childish pluralistic idea that Catholicism is a buffet with something for everyone!

No, the universality of the Church is not a buffet with things to chose from, the universality of the Church is that there is one sure way to salvation, the cross. To put God at the centre of one’s life, to be completely obedient to the divine will, to go for Mass and receive communion. ‘He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath everlasting life: and I will raise him up in the last day’. That is the Holy Mass. The religious orders are all the same, the Mass and prayer, and obedience to the divine will are at the centre of these orders, regardless of the minor differences in their expression of spirituality. The Little Sisters of the Poor, in keeping Christ at the centre of their lives, would put down their spoons during feeding time when the bell for prayer rang. In a letter to her sister, there is evidence that St Thérèse of Liseux put down her pen in midstroke to obey the bell.

That is the true universality of the Church, the one means to salvation, through Christ, her spouse. It doesn’t matter if one attends the Novus Ordo in English or the Tridentine Mass in Latin; they are the same Mass. That sacrifice is the one and the same sacrifice of Christ on Calvary. And, there could never be anything less exciting than the Mass. The Mass is where one finds Christ, truly present, in the most Blessed Sacrament! Assisting at Mass is where we participate together with the Christ in the salvation and conversion of souls! The Mass is where you get to meet your God, the God who created everything and everyone in the world, with love, regardless of their belief in Him. If anyone is to be converted to the truth, to belief in Christ, it would not be through endless hours of theological debate, it will be through the graces earned the Holy Mass.

And that is what we as youth need! What we want! Enough of this nonsense of making Mass accessible to youth! Enough of appealing to our hormonal emotions and desire for endorphins. Give us Christ! Give us His Mass in all its splendour! Teach it to us! Enough of bishops, priests and religious camouflaging themselves in civilian attire! Are they not the spouses of Christ, why do they not wear the very wedding gowns and collars that symbolize their fidelity and submission to Him? People complain that they won’t be able to appreciate chant, they won’t be able to understand the Mass if it was in Latin. Then learn about it! Listen to it, read up about it. We live in a world where all these things are accessible to us via a few keystrokes. So if it is inaccessible to you, it is only because you are lazy. That’s why. Why do you not make the effort to learn about the most exciting thing in your life: Christ? And if you are not excited, perhaps you should ask yourself, is Christ really the centre of my life?

Stop waiting around for Christ to come down and teach it to you Himself. He has already come once for our redemption. The next time He comes will be at the of time, to judge the living and the dead. Do really want to wait that long to learn more about Him? It will soon be a lent, what a better time to reconcile with Him and learn about his sacrifice!

‘Ask and ye shall receive’.

Mad Girl's Love Song

Slyvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"