Confessions of church militant.

I used to be a church militant. I discovered the truth regarding the horrible events surrounding the controversial second Vatican council and I was filled with fire. I was changed, suddenly I knew the important of the mass and traditions. Suddenly, I saw the flippancy with which the blessed sacrament was handled and the lack of awareness. I grieved about the traditions that were stolen from me. I was fueled with anger over the absence of an identity that was truly catholic. And, I was filled with fire to do something.

It is very common for this to happen, especially to one's who can see. Trads are usually a tough a bunch, who in real life are used to being the odd one out and having the drive to push forward when we know the truth. Combining that with a hot head who loves to argue and you've got a very explosive militant waiting to take off a few heads. I fought hard and I lost to a monster wave called popularity. I am very thankful that it was only a phase, because suddenly, I found out that there were better ways, softer ways, gentler ways to put the message across. One doesn't always need to be slapped hard in the face to break out of hysteria. In fact, most of the time, talking gently and softly is far more effective.

I look at the way I dealt with things in church now and the way I handled them in the past. There is a complete contrast. Last year, I fought hard to teach the new ones to take up the full fast. This year, I realised, it would be a long time before they decide to take up the proper fast. They need to explore these modern ideas of 'choosing' what to give up for lent, to see if they can do a childish fast before they take on a mature one. Before, I'd have corrected all the misconceptions that others would spout. This year, I realised, that correcting them would be futile. They hadn't reach that level of understanding yet. I have very high standards with what I think should be taught and what should be expected. I'm glad that I no longer try to hold everyone to those same standards. It would be futile and pointless until they were ready. I hope I'm improving.

I regret the whole of last year. I steadily rose in my militant stance from January and peaked in June before I started to tone down. I regret it so much because of all the people I offended in that journey. There was no need. There are always other more peaceful means. I regret that I let her see me so stubborn and so deranged and I'm pretty sure that was a factor. I don't regret what I've learned though. The truth is after all still the truth. What must be done correctly is simple and should be done.

Baby steps....baby steps.