Thursday, September 18, 2008
Carelessness.
Carelessness is the bane of my existance. I am now running the final stretch of this race. This crucial segment that will bring about the end of a chapter of my life. And yet, carelessness seems to plague my every footstep. He was there with during my papers with his parents: poor time-management and stress. Such a pity that he must plague me so, and what a great disease he is. He has cost me many grades. The rotten little red crosses that form like a tumor
Yet, wonderfully, there is a cure. That cure is practice. However, practice is the most bitter of all medicines, the kind you need to three glasses of water to remove its horrid aftertaste. The type requiring long hours for the entire dosage to be delivere, long hours, everyday. And the effect is slow, every slow. The doctor says a constant administration of it is required to cure carelessness. Furthermore, the dosage can only begin in small amounts and gradually increase. Too much too early will cause negative side effects. Too little will have no significant gains. The worst thing about this medicine is that even a small break from treatment will require the patient to return to the first stage of it.
I have taken too long a break from treatment, and i feel weak and frustrated. Everyday my work output is a laughable fraction of what it was just a month ago. Even more frustrated about the limbs amputated because of it. The loss of chemistry and mmathematics and biology. The doctors say that they can be regrown, but it will take time. I wonder if I have that time? Will I be able to return and best my previous work out put? Will I be able to do it in enough time. I wonder.
The doctors told me there will be more testing, rigorous testing. It begins in six and half weeks. Not many days left, they are so few. I pray for a miracle, for God's divine intervention that he will graze me with his finger and remove this cancer from my viens. I pray for a miracle that he will jumpstart my fire and let the treatment work. I pray for a miracle that I will pass these tests.
There is only one chance. My heart beats faster just thinking about it. A singular flashing taught, a consequence, a nightmare in a second. Yet I know the future is undecidded, unknown save to one and full of possibilities. I know now is the present, now is current, malleable by the choices i make. I try everyday to live here and now and focus on what needs to be done. I know I need to live now to get to tomorrow. I wonder if I am doing enough.
Everything is so slow now. I feel frustrated. I want to go faster, fast, but I can't. I'm trapped, ensared by a monster I have to beat. I guess I can only pray.
2:06 AM
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