Friday, September 25, 2009

Lousy Brother.

I am a rather lousy brother. I admit. I have no patience or tact or
any ability to act like a parent. I constantly push you away when you
want to spend time with me and I want to be alone with myself; which
is all I am usually, alone and complaining about it. You're alone too,
you have no one to play with or spend time with, being the smallest
critter in a house of locked doors. Everyone is busy attending to
their own selfish desires. So much for having a large family. I spend
so much time grieving being alone in a large family, desiring to have
someone to talk to and intellectualize with because everyone is busy
re-cooperating from the long work day, logged into cyberspace,
studying or never at home and then there's you. Sure, you're young,
and we won't be able to talk, but you still want to play, and be a
part of our lives even though we push you away because you're not our
age, you're not old enough or mature enough. Truth be told, we're the
fools, the immature ones, because we complain of having nothing to do.

I made you cry today because I wanted to play the video game alone,
because I wanted to practice the game alone, so I could get better, so
I could beat other people, its just not fun playing with you because
you provide no challenge, you don't understand the game, you're just
button mashing. They're all excuses. Horrible rationalities coming
from one who claims to be rational, and not rationalize. The truth is:
I wanted to be alone, to wallow in my lonely state, in self pity,
reminding myself that I'm penniless and alone at home because I'm
antisocial and don't have friends who'll ask me out.Yet you wanted to
play with me. Be it partially out of boredom, you still wanted my
society. Clearly something is wrong with me.

In the end I let you play, but with much reluctance, I purposely let
you win because I wanted you to play the computer and lose. You were
actually pretty good until the difficult stage came. I should have
encouraged you but I didn't, I set there in silence, waiting for you
to give up and go away, but you didn't. Now I feel guilty. I should, I
am guilty, I am such a lousy brother. I am so extremely selfish, you
have no one and I turned you away. We could have both had fun, but I
let you down. You're tenacious, you didn't even give up despite losing
four times in a row, you finally went away when your controller
disconnected and I didn't help you to fix it. You thought I did
something. I guess I did. I did a most selfish act, I kept quiet until
you got the message. We could have both had fun. Guess it just takes
one act of selfishness to ruin many people's day.

I am a hypocrite. I talk a lot about inclusivity, about extending that
arm to the ones desolate and ostracised, but here I am, turning my
back on you. I guess adults are all idiots, all selfish, all strange
people. It takes a child to make us understand how wayward we are. It
hurts me more that now the time to apologize is over, and even if I
do, you won't understand the apology, but you've already forgiven me.

Child, I'm very sorry.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Pain for pleasure.

My hands burn with every pull, i can feel my fingers pull and ligaments stretch, the calluses on my palms squeeze and pain surges through my hands as my chin ascends above the bar. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. One set done. Five to go. Then down on my hands again, chest to the floor, one through twenty-five. Four to go.

Pain. And it goes on the next day; day in, day out. All this for the field, for bodies crashing into one another hard, driving all day long. The burning in my lungs as I sprint from one point to another, my abs aching, all for that next hit. And then again after that. Live for it all day long, living for the man on your left and your right, in the same colours and shield.

Problem. Can't be on the field, can't be next to your mate, without the training, the boring painful taxing training. The late nights, lose the life, hit the gym, hit the track. Get faster, stronger, quicker. All I can think about now. The pain's for pleasure.

Setback -- can't train, I'm injured, a broken foot, three more weeks of hell as my muscles become mush, all I have left are these few things. To pull and push. Most painful. I just want to get through it. Get back. Get back, those are that which occupy all my thoughts.


Pain
Three Day's Grace

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain