Day Zero

And so the exams have ended. Just like that, silently, on the morning of the twentieth of november. Much unlike the way they arrived, with a huge bang, cacophoniously disrupting life and like a good guest, arriving so amply supplied with the gift of chaos. Yet it left egragiously this morning, like a thief in the night. In a mere thirty minutes, it was over.

In its wake, a new freedom arose. Three years worth of heavy shackles, chains and bondage fell off my shoulders. In response, my shoulders rejoiced of course. Yet, this new weightlessness is an unwelcomed feeling. The shackles and chains of before were not dead weights, but wheels, they provided meaning and purpose. Twelve hours into the aftermath, the lack of meaning and purpose in my life now has become as clear as crystal. I'm confident enough to say, that if this was a well read website, I'd recieve hatemail for following blasphemous statement. I want to go back to school so I can learn more. I want to study post-A levels.

Well, who'd thought unemployment would be so boring. Boredom, you are one of my greatest nemesis and one of the most powerful. Your powers of lethargy and depressive and negativity are strong enough to make the sun fall out of the sky. If only I knew your one weakness, the krytonite that will end all your terror. If only.

Again why?

Why did you put me here. Why did you send me to this place, with these people, with these systems? Why? Why this situation, why this time, why is everything shrouded? Why must I continually walk this path through smoke and mirrors? Why is everything so twisted and convoluted and unclear? Why must you keep breaking me and making me fall. Why can't you grant me wings to soar? Instead you plant me heavily on the ground, and a put a mountain of darkness in my path. Why must have this mind and be adlered by impulsivity and carelessness? Why do you make my life so difficult?

Yet, to ask you these questions, to question your reasoning, to doubt your plans are actions of nothing more than folly. Your logic is pure, your reasons can only end in goodness for you are love and your plan is divine. You do things in your time. And you gave me freedom. How can I blame you for putting me in this place? I chose it. I chose out of all the eighteen or more possible choices. How can I slander your name for the path that I have picked out? I want this job and this is the only path and I knew it would be crooked and twisted and bent, clouded in fog, mirrors reflecting all manner of nonexistent paths. Yet, it was not you who told me to step foot upon its shadowy trail. I did.

I'm lost now. The labryinth of life stands before me, with portals opening and closing before my eyes. I can't help but think that somehow behind all my choices lies your ever guiding hand. Then why, why does it have to be this way, all wrought with pain and suffering? How much longer will I have to drag this cross before I can reach the trodden beaten path once again? They say to follow your plan and do your will is supposed to bring peace and contentment. I have yet to find either. And I have the gall to question your power and your existence. How much further can I sink in degradation? For you who created all, the everlasting creator, there is nothing that you cannot do. You have blown the smallest wind and toppled this giant many times. I am here by your choice, yet it is my choice. Your hand is in everything, and yet everything works on its own accord. And how can you not exist? If you were not to exist to me, then what would I have? I would be nothing. In my heart, I know you to be true, to say, to think to rationalize that you cannot exist is mere pretense. Then, life in and off itself will be a lie. I cannot fathom how these people who believe in their hearts that you cannot be true can make it true the day. To lie and lie and lie until they live the lie.

It occured to me when I was lashing out at you in pain, of the extent of your love. All over the world at any point in time, there are people lashing out at you in anger, in pain, in suffering, in confusion, people who question your abilities, and people who doubt your existence. Yet, in spite of all the hurt and pain they cause you, you a being of pure love, you take all in without grudge or retaliation. It must pain you to watch the suffering, knowing you change it all in the smallest fraction of a microsecond and still, you withhold that power. Instead you touch your children in the most subtle ways. You know that the pain and the suffering and the disbelief are neccessary to grow strong and resilient so that we may come home one day.

Yet, we are weak and we are foolish and we fail. I am weak and I am foolish. That is why I question and retort and doubt. I want to know why. Why do you have to make me feel so helpless, crumpled and useless. So vulnerable, in knowing that no matter what I do or how much it, I can have no control of my life. You are the one who does. It was what I said before the paper, 'it is in your hands now'. I wonder if I truly meant it. Now I can't let go, I know now that whatever comes out of this chapter, it is really in your hands. Whatever grade I will get, is no longer up to me, but is up to you. I only pray that by your grace, it will be good and it will be what I wanted, what I worked so hard for. I am selfish, I know you have and plan and still I want what I want and I cannot help it. If it is not what I want, then I beg that you give me understanding and patience and acceptance so that I may understand your plan and let you guide me. Whatever I have, whatever I will recieve is of your doing and not mine.

I hope that this path I have choosen is the path that you want me to walk down. If not, I hope that I will be able to accept that. Help me to trust in you completely.

The words have been there all along, you printed them on my jersery. Matt 19:23

why?

we fell out of the sky one night,
and you just sat there and cried,
and cried and cried and cried,
you knew that we'd never be alright.

and so the red tears dribbled down
from those beautiful brown eyes,
and driped down down onto your dress,
as you looked up at the dream bound

and tied. you can't go back now,
its too high in the deep blue sky
but you tried and fell and died.
i wished i saved you. but how?

everything lies and taunts the skies,
and the maggots that eat you
remove all the little ties,
put you deep in the ground, no more tries.

From the sky you fell, now you dwell
in the ground, with much patience lie,
hidden in plain sight, masked delight.
Justice has toppled, deep into hell,

and her scales no longer balance
the good from the bad, no more,
no more, she is very bored.
she thrusts her sword, like lance

deep into her heart and breathes no more.
make way for the cold winter of May,
when January no long prays,
and October hides in silent shame, the whore.

As I watch you in the casket,
like a doll, fast a sleep, there's
no one to play with anymore.
you twist and turn to forget

those things that in the past wrought
with much regret, and put it all
away in your pocket, justa ball.
are these all that you thought?

the rain echoes my silence wait,
pouring crimson down from heaven,
and there's here left to learn,
just your forgotten face, i am too late.

I wonder why i followed you out
of sky, only to watch you die?
How did i lose my heart to a lie?
separated by classroom doubt,

by a shiny silver window,
that reflected cruel truth,
like the wolf and its tooth.
I'd shatter it and see you widowed

but you had already died.

i wonder why you were going
down a senseless path of ghosts.
i wished we could have shared toast,
and talked a little more, hearts trembling.

the trembling was your fear,
and nothing more from the monster
that stood calmly on the barrister,
staring out into nothing, no leer,

no glance. then you jump!
and fell down, out of the sky.
crying, crying, crying, crying,
into your box, in one big lump,

you maggot infested memory.
rest in peace.