can't sleep.

once again.. insomnia bites. I took two decalgren tonight, but I don't feel sleepy ):.

I just wrote a poem. Now i'm watching disney movies. God i'm sure a romantic...I can't stand myself. hopeless love stories and disney movies. All the sweet moments in life, run through my mind like a dream. Cept i can't sleep.

I wonder where this will all end up?

I'm trapped by time. Day is now night, while night has inadvertently become day. I can't even feel a drop of tiredness. So sad. All that's left to me now in this world of mine, where any form of human contact is slumbering, is left to carthartic piece of text that flows from somewhere in the far reaching nether regions of my grey matter. I seriously need more friends on the other side of the globe. The martian equatorial timezone is most hilarious.

The mind really wonders once the clock hits 3am, by 4, there's nothing left to do cept blog-surf. There is no other more heinous a deed that I can make myself go through than either clicking through mindless assault of the english language and directionless (though i must say, it's rather pointless at 5am to actually coherently combine sentences into justifiable rambling with some form of ambitious progressive reading material. so i am guilty of mindless rambling) ranting upon the chronical of their daily lives or, the couples. I HATE COUPLES. I can't stand couple pictures. In a personal and professional way. I guess I shouldn't continue to expand the verbiage upon this affair, since it is to them a rather personal opinion on how they would like to look in their candid photographs. Bowen says i'm a paradox, but we all can't help being two-legged working paradoxes of creatures meant to crawl along a forest floor.

Andy Williams fills the early morning air. Boys watching girls all over again. I wonder why it happens, and it happens everywhere, guys watching girls, girls watching guys and all the watching. It makes me wonder of all the lucky chaps out there, the simple minded, the easy-going ones, who seem so lucky. It's so easy for them to fall into relationships. Then i wonder why, the very need for human companionship dogs the complicated in thought, the eccentric and intelligent. Maybe we're not so intelligent after all. It should all seem so simple, after all compared to calculus or comprehending Niche or analysing Dickens, arts that have been around for mere centuria, love has been around for millenia. Clytaemenstra's final decision to kill her child-killing husband Agamemnon lies within his crime of returning with the beautiful and quite obscuring cassandra. Love lies a lot of the great greek stories and this is a trend that follows through the rest of history. It has been around for so long, and apparently it is so simple, that the simplest can easily understand it. Or maybe it is not a matter of comprehension, rather it is a matter of fussiness. The more finicky and punctilious we are over our choice for a mate, having been brought up to choose the best. The one that fits the lock and key hypothesis the most. It doesn't seem even like a matter of perception, underlying, there is no other way to ignite feelings, so i question again, even if it is rethorical, how does it come about? Why do the simple people in simple lives seem so much more happier off?


i just wish...

i have school tomorrow.

It's half past two in the morning.
there's school tomorrow.

My body can't seem to find sleep. It's exhausted, from the scrumming, and the abrasions all itch. There's a game this friday.

I've been doing a lot of work these last two weeks. I've been looking for someone. I'm pretty sure now that I've found some parts of him. I think there still pieces to complete.

Her face still haunts me. Her voice echoes in my head sometimes. I feel I need closure to an unfortunate event. I need to speak with her. I need to talk to her. I need to clarify and regain. I wonder when that will happen. Certainly, it won't take place tomorrow.

My sketchbook is nearly full, it's at the three quarter mark. It's a scary experience, now since I have gotten attached to it. I love to look through the pages, and see my thoughts and sketches and additions. I wonder how long more it will last, and what the next one will be.

My life is currently severly depressed, I'm taking SSRIs to elevate the mood. I've spent much time reflecting, justifying the mood, the reasons, the existance of such foul days. It comes to me that such three annoying reason, so vexing to me. A girl hangs over my head, she is a spectre to words unsaid. Teachers are there alongside the world, on the left, the useless, they do not know, too the right the good, encouragement lines their countenances. Stress hangs around my life, I don't have enough games in it, to give me the endorphins to release it.

I like that word, endorphins. Sounds so free and easy, so much uplifting and pleasure they bring. Like a pair of dolphins, alone, breaching the sunset waves into the orange horizon they seek. It reminds me, the image, how much of a romantic I am. In love with ideas and words and pictures, that I wish to share.

I had a glass of whiskey tonight. It was old whiskey, aged 12 years, and probably another decade from the looks of the bottle. My parents don't drink whiskey, but i do. It tasted sweet and firery, and warmed my insides with each slug. Much like my own personality. Maybe that's why I like whiskey. It's warm. It was better than the two cans of beer I had last night. Whiskey clearly is my drink, even now it warms my belly. But notice, I'm not high. I wish I could get high on less, it would definitely be cheaper.

I have a photo in my book. A pair of eyes. They are beautiful eyes. Pretty and bright, caring and kind. An innate delligence and passion seem to exude from them. I wish I could let their owner know what eyes she possesses.

I think of tomorrow. A place I haven't laid a foot into in two weeks. A life that really was nonexistent, ends that I left unfinished, ties and business that must be done. I'm going back there tomorrow. To face the past I left behind. I wonder what will happen then.

I wish I needn't go.

It's half past two in the morning.
I have school tomorrow.

Warm Things.

I like warm things. It's a realization, I came to terms with recently. I'm coming out as a warm person :). I found this out recently while I was warming my insides with a delicious warm cup of hot tea, while snuggling in my sweater in nice cozy cold room. The sudden thoughts of comfort and sweet warmth wrapped around my head. Oh what luxuries (:, though that lasted all of five seconds till i was drawn back to photosynthesis.

Now I've often told people of how I enjoy the cold. Yes, the nice chilly, cool temperatures, like that of London in early summer, or late spring. Ahhh, just so sensual. I realized I liked those cold places because the opportunity to put on a jacket or sweater presented itself. All nice and snug XD. I guess that's why I tell people when I'm old, I'd like to curl up in an armed coach, with a blanket, a cup of steaming hot chocolate, a good book, right by the fire, with the cut purring on the rug.

HMmm... Haha hot chocolate is the way to go! It's sure to send a smile to my face upon savouring the sweet silky texture of the hot chocolatey warmth. I'd take a hot meal over ice cream anyday. Hot cakes and syrup or an eggs benedict over cereal and cold milk any morning. It's so delicious to taste, warm textures... I guess that's why I like to cook and prepare my food. I took the opportunity to break out of my sulking stupor on wednesday and whip up lunch for the family. On a budget of ten bucks, and what was at home, I cooked a batch of my speciality pasta. Spagetti Carbonara. OOOOOH so GOOOD! hahaha, even though i miss judged the amount the cream, way too little, but never mind, it turned out nice and creamy on the noodles. I wonder what to cook next.

I think this recent food cravings is due to that lit essay i'm writing for great ex. on the significance of food and meals in the book. It's an essay which is driving me crazy! Not long over due, I have a HUGE mental block in writing it, and in expositing about about the feasts in the novel, I find myself thing about Beef steak sarnies, or roast beef. I don't know. It's honestly driving me crazy. I hate writing lit essays. I always get mental blocks. Maybe I don't have enough content or I'm just clueless. ah well anywho... I need to be going now. Sleep awaits.

The Final
Dir En Grey

解けてしまう意図を見つめ・・・文字に出来ない左手です
血を流す度に生きてる理由・・・見い出す言葉が鮮やかで

手の中には愛すべき人さえも華々しく散って
手の中には生きた意味刻んでも虚しき華と知る

The Final

一つ二つと増え続ける・・・何故に笑えない餌となる？

深き獄の心決して戻れはしない
明日を触れられない自虐的敗北者
Suicide is the proof of life

手の中には愛すべき人さえも華々しく散って
手の中には生きた意味刻んでも虚しき華と散る

So I can't live So I can't live
そう無くしたモノは
So I can't live So I can't live
もう産まれない
So I can't live So I can't live
生きてる証さえ
So I can't live So I can't live
求められない歌
Let's put an end・・・The Final

未遂の蕾咲かせよう・・・

fairytale ending.

Here I am again, the night before school Monday, rushing homework and not doing work. Rather, I'm following a creative itch to blow up my mind's impulses into something as tantalizing as I can possibly sizzle up on my white blank grill. On the menu today, we have a special, a fairy tale ending.

We all want one don't we? And some of us want two or three of them, after all, not everything we do is going to end with that fairy tale conclusion. In a more than perfect world (since ours is already perfect. I would like it no other way), I'd be in OCS now, waiting for book out to go see my tall lady and count the days down before I complete my service, go overseas to med school, graduate with flying colours, yada-yada-yada, white picket fence and two point three kids (little jimmy got stuck some of the way). You get the point.

Basically it's an ideal notion albeit a most boring one. All the things I put down, they're all checkpoints in life, white picket fence and all. They're also points of arrival. This is a concept that I learned from Brother Adrian today during a most delicious breakfast, I digress, especially to highlight the most lovely mouthwatering breakfast of heavenly carrot cake, tea and butter cakes that we had to end the choir retreat. I think it's important to note this breakfast, since it's the first one I’ve had all week. Alright, enough rambling, there's a point to make and a topic sentence to install. During breakfast, Brother was giving me counseling on my woes with the General Paper syllabus, a cross that I carry, together with a fresh-outta-the-box teacher. He told me, as an example of an essay question he would take, 'It is better to travel, then to arrive.' Clearly, folks, a classic gp question, only missing the end tags we know so well, that if we met them, they'd be staked and burnt, like DYA and discuss.

Naturally, the young naive padawan was obfuscated. After all, arrivals are accomplishments, where you can do so much more, why would you want to be stuck in travel? After all you have to deal with annoying stewardesses who won't serve you that vodka orange cause you look underage and the babies crying and that annoying guy leaning your shoulder. The master of course, clearly unfrazzled, took his young student under his arm and said, 'you do not gain in achievement, in arrival, cause you're already there. It would be better to travel, as it is in the process that we gain and find more of ourselves.'

It made me realize something new today. Fairytales are so great not because of the fantasy involved, but the great dangers and processes that the protagonist, usually a handsome and charming, slightly shy Prince by the name of David, has to go through to seek, in most cases usually his true love. You think it's easy fighting a dragon, resisting the temptation of a sexy, hot seductress of an evil villainess secondary character and having tea while being bound by shackles with an ugly old witch that holds your true love prisoner easy? You try.

Fairytales appeal to us when we're young and naive because of the allure that we find in the end that the Prince makes his marriage to the Princess and that happily ever after. Ask any non-sceptical teenage girl about love and a happily ever after and they will sigh and swoon. The need for accomplishments, causes the imbuing confidence on someone, yet why do parents continue to tell their children all these stories that seem to only sow the seed of greed in children? I finally realized today, not only cause it shuts up the little brats and keeps them out of trouble for a good 15 minutes, half an hour if you're good, it's also because they realized that it is not the reaching, but how the reaching took place that is the key to life.

The fairytales we all know and love: sleeping beauty, snow white, beauty and the beast. The princes all have many dangers that they needed to face to win that gal, and that is what our parents want to teach us. They tell tales not of danger and magic and love, but of bravery to overcome the danger, the magic of experiences to guide us and the development of love that binds it all together. That is why we will continue to hand these stories down the generations. That and also since they're really nice stories.

I just read a feature article about Yaoming's wedding to his childhood crush Ye. She' 1.9m, and everything a basketballer would want in a basketballer woman. I guess we can't all find our little giant girl like Yao did and have that fairytale ending. Ok...ok I guess while I've found my Little Giant Girl, I won't get my fairytale ending, like his. The rest of you can dream on about your normal heighted girls then :P. But, I find i often daydream about holding her hand and all the couplely things, all these things that happen upon arrival. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I'd like to do If she and I were together, often accompanied by sighs. I never put much thought of this as arriving and I never really spent much into the actual processing of the arrival. It's easier to think of the dilemma rather than the solution, easier to slip into the role of Orsino, rather than the one of Viola. Though that is how Yao found his fairy tale ending. It took him 8 years and countless rejections. I wonder why I'm so scared of getting rejected. I'm so young and that's just part of the process. Sometimes being a perfectionist creates its own set of problems. It also lands you in a deeper rut.

I guess we can't all follow Yao the way he held his fairy tale ending. It's probably been copyrighted by now. You know, all these celebs making their own names. But, we can all find our own. It's really a simple, arduous task. Just get off our asses and do something about it and hang on, as long as it takes. That's why I’m still chasing my dreams. If you don't dream.. then you're walking to no where. So dream, cause running's more fun and much faster too. That's how we find our fairytale ending. Enticing init? You should take too.

HAPPPY! XD

I'm happy, really happy for the first time in three weeks. I don't know how to explain it, but i reconnected with God, I feel at peace and now, things are looking bright XD

A Rose Ungiven

You are
A rose ungiven.
It seems so wasted, just withering there.
A failed existence, unappreciated, unfulfilled
unreached potential.
you poor rose, never held, never smelt.
never clutched to the bosom of a loved one given.
A life of wonder. your dying world.

And I sit here, to ponder.
What could have been if I had bothered
A try. Walked to her, and muttered a few
Helloes and goodbyes.
And watch her shyly smile as to her I give,
You.
To her cheeks, would a red as deep as your's appear,
And smiles we would have shared.
But I didn't.

Only an 'if', it runs through our minds.
I see her face staring in the distance. I wonder.
Silence echoes in my ear, eroding the music of love
played here.
And I sit, and watch as you wither.
Watch each red petal blacken and fall,
amid the dying screams of rock and roll riffs and mauls
I feel as you do.
So silently,
Withering away at the 'if'.

hot chocolate for the cold heart.

here I am, hot chocolate in hand. Made myself, with 3 extra huge scoops of boncafe powder left over from last christmas, cause I'm very sad. This Christmas is coming, just a couple more months, sounds so exciting so enticing.

It makes me wonder. How will i spend this christmas? Will I spend it all alone, crying inside, regretting indecisions and impulsive visions. Will I be happy, rejoicing in the eggnog (I'm gonna make some this year!) and over part of the Christmas lunch I helped to cook, since I'm such a good cook. I wonder. What will happen in the next four months leading to one of my favorite holidays? The other two being Easter and David day, which is celebrated yearly on the Seventeenth, not that anyone remembers.

The timeline looks so ardous by itself, before the padding. It's the seventh week of school, I've got 3 common tests coming up toward the end of term and 2 more spas. Promos are barely two more months away, disasterously, I'm still crashing and hitting the floor so hard. Prelims are barely a week away for the j2s, and after that it'll be less than 8 weeks and I'll never see them again. I have 10 weeks to do something or it'll be a lost cause forever.

I wonder why I hold on and chase these things for so long. Is it because I was brought up to believe that regret is the greatest failure, to have never actually tried? And yet, I'm failing now. The regret just swallows me. The negativity that grabs out and stabs me about the possibilities that could have been but never were. I wonder.. I wonder, it's that game that everyone plays. "what if?" It's a horrid game, a game that puts you in the past and future and everywhere but where it counts the most. The present.

I remember wise words from a wise old irishman by the name of Fr. Keane. They were given to my best friend in his time of dire need, and they were passed onto me in my time. "Don't live in the past, it's over, and don't live in the future, it's not yet here. Live now, in the present, because that's where you are and that's where God is." And it's true. Amidst all the laws and rules that are in the the bible and the church that prepare us for our entry into heaven, God wants us not to worry and dread and anticipate it, since the time will creep upon us 'like a thief in the night', he wants us to live our lives here and now. That's where our impact in life can be felt, where everything that we have ever wanted to do or change is. That's where time is moving. Here and now. And we need to be present here and now to take full use of it. No point dreaming and wallowing in pitiful dreams of what could be, you have to make it happen. No one's gonna do it for you, cause they're too busy dwelling. Maybe, that's why I've always left it to me to get things done. Make the move into jc, starting all the things that I've done over the years.

It brings me some hope, that the future is still malleable. Things and time can change things, it can still be altered, though I will have to bring out my hammer and my chisel. Make it happen. I know I won't be settled until I talk to her, and I tell her what I really want to tell her. I know that there is a high perecentage that she may react negatively. But I don't actually know what might happen. For all the better understanding we try to make of the human mind and the way things process, the more confused we are now. MAybe its just me. Born different, see things differently, intepret different. Normalcy is like some kind of foreign language to me. I know that for me to return to what normalcy I have left, is to break the current rules of contact between us. To talk. I wonder how I'm going to do that. I wonder what I'll say. And I wonder how long I have left. The clock is ticking fast, I wish really that I wasn't stuck in this unrequited circle. I'm sure I've irritated the hell out of my friends already.

Friends too are strange thing. What makes you make them? I know the ones I keep are willing to look past the stupid things I do, and the benefit in the end, cause I know that I make a positive impact on their lives. Touching and changing lives, seems to be some kind of calling; one of my reasons to go into medicine. I must thank them, my friends, I'd probably be rotting somewhere had they not tolerated my annyoing depression. Jon, Marie, Bowen, Sharm, Eli and all you who are always at hand to provide a listening ear to my eccentric antics. Thank you all. Though I'm curious, this idea of friendship, how it comes about. I know I seem to have some kind of gift in it, since I've been known to spontaneously start yakking away with random people from all around. I must say its fun to make friends, I love a good conversation, and taxi drivers will always provide some of the most entertaining. Though I always regret not being able to make friends with people whom I find to be amsuing and entertaining and nice people. People like her.

I guess, in the end, its all about the effort that you want to put in. I must work harder, and infiltrate and work that magic gift, or it will really go to waste. That would be a gigantic regret, the biggest failure.

same old same old, all alone.

here i am again at home, more or less alone. I feel so damn depressed today.. I dunno.. guess this song pretty sums at this post. Shessh i'm so lethargic i have no energy to write. I guess i might get a little chuckle when i see your face after your eyes dart about the lyrics. Maki is chio btw way.

HIGH and MIGHT COLOR
All Alone

どうしていつも.
膝抱えて.
ひとり震えてる?
笑うことなど.
今は出来ない.
もう、忘れてしまったよ.

街を冷やした.
ドシャ降りまだ.
やみそうになくて.
汚れた世界.
消えてしまえば.
どう楽になれるかな.

冷えた身体の中に.
血味(あかみ)を失くした魂(こころ).
激しく打ちつけられても.
痛さを感じないから.

めちゃくちゃになって見えたものは.
病んでく自分の姿で….
越えたハズだった.
苦しみは今も.
深く深く刻まれて行くけど.
傷つくことから.
始まる.

すべて凍らせ.
全て終わりにしたくなっていた.
人の声などもう聴きたくないと.
耳を塞いでる.

ひとつ越えてみたけど.
またひとつ増えてゆくモノは.
誰も解ってくれないから.
いつも壊したくなる.

目覚めるとそこは暗闇の中で.
逃げ出すことなど出来ない.
愚かな奴らに捕らえられて.
きつくきつく縛られて行くけど.
「…私は どこまで耐えるの? 」.

I 'm confined in the darkness.
I 'm deaf, I 'm blind, but I have voice, it can shout.
I wanna run away from pain.

Why? なぜ生きていて Why?
明日を迎えて.
Why? このまま.
Why? 今でも Why I'm alive?

誰か信じて生きてくこと.
憎しみに変わり.
私は何にすがりついて.
どう泣き叫べばいい?

解り合えないよま終わるだけならば.
信じることなど出来ない.
叩き潰されたこの感情.
あなたはどこまでわかるの.
悲しみがあれば.
喜びもあるけど.
永遠(とわ)に続いてくわけじゃない.

見捨てないでいて時がいつか.
流れた時きっと気付くでしょう.
信じることから.
始まる.

灰になって見上げた世界.
今も暗い朝焼けが痛い.
灰になってゆだねた世界.
苦しみごと風にふかれたい.
灰になって見なれた世界.
今も暗い朝焼けが痛い.
苦しみごと風にふかれたい….

James Blunt
"You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high, [ - video/radio edited version]
Fucking high, [ - CD version]
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.


God, i'd really like to strangle that angel...hahahahaha

Jack's Mannequin
Kill the messenger

Oh my God, this hurts like hell
I had that dream again where
I was lost for good in outer space
Tell me, doctor, how to shake
A waking nightmare that is only
Worse when I am sleeping

Kill the messenger
I swear it's not me
It's just someone I used to know
And get to church cause you're a good girl
And he never told you that
And all I need from you
Could be the thing that
Leaves us both up here forever
I'm gonna send a little rain your way
I'm gonna send a little rain...

It's not so easy, caving in
I walked by your apartment twice today
While you were gone at work
And all the colors got so down
It's not as cold out here
But come quick, I am losing feeling

Kill the messenger
I swear it's not me
It's just someone I used to know
And get to church cause you're a good girl
And he never told you that
And all I need from you
Could be the thing that
Leaves us both up here forever
I'm gonna send a little rain your way
I'm gonna send a little rain, send a little rain

I'm gonna send a little rain to pour down on you
Rain that makes the flowers bloom
Rain to leave you all alone
That keeps eyelashes falling
And wishes washed away

Kill the messenger
I swear it's not me
It's just someone I used to know
And get to church cause you're a good girl
And he never told you that
And all I need from you
Could be the thing that
Leaves us both up here forever
I'm gonna send a little rain your way
I'm gonna send a little rain...
I'm gonna send a little rain your way

彼女は俺を嫌う
there's just too much evidence. ARRGH