any ability to act like a parent. I constantly push you away when you
want to spend time with me and I want to be alone with myself; which
is all I am usually, alone and complaining about it. You're alone too,
you have no one to play with or spend time with, being the smallest
critter in a house of locked doors. Everyone is busy attending to
their own selfish desires. So much for having a large family. I spend
so much time grieving being alone in a large family, desiring to have
someone to talk to and intellectualize with because everyone is busy
re-cooperating from the long work day, logged into cyberspace,
studying or never at home and then there's you. Sure, you're young,
and we won't be able to talk, but you still want to play, and be a
part of our lives even though we push you away because you're not our
age, you're not old enough or mature enough. Truth be told, we're the
fools, the immature ones, because we complain of having nothing to do.
I made you cry today because I wanted to play the video game alone,
because I wanted to practice the game alone, so I could get better, so
I could beat other people, its just not fun playing with you because
you provide no challenge, you don't understand the game, you're just
button mashing. They're all excuses. Horrible rationalities coming
from one who claims to be rational, and not rationalize. The truth is:
I wanted to be alone, to wallow in my lonely state, in self pity,
reminding myself that I'm penniless and alone at home because I'm
antisocial and don't have friends who'll ask me out.Yet you wanted to
play with me. Be it partially out of boredom, you still wanted my
society. Clearly something is wrong with me.
In the end I let you play, but with much reluctance, I purposely let
you win because I wanted you to play the computer and lose. You were
actually pretty good until the difficult stage came. I should have
encouraged you but I didn't, I set there in silence, waiting for you
to give up and go away, but you didn't. Now I feel guilty. I should, I
am guilty, I am such a lousy brother. I am so extremely selfish, you
have no one and I turned you away. We could have both had fun, but I
let you down. You're tenacious, you didn't even give up despite losing
four times in a row, you finally went away when your controller
disconnected and I didn't help you to fix it. You thought I did
something. I guess I did. I did a most selfish act, I kept quiet until
you got the message. We could have both had fun. Guess it just takes
one act of selfishness to ruin many people's day.
I am a hypocrite. I talk a lot about inclusivity, about extending that
arm to the ones desolate and ostracised, but here I am, turning my
back on you. I guess adults are all idiots, all selfish, all strange
people. It takes a child to make us understand how wayward we are. It
hurts me more that now the time to apologize is over, and even if I
do, you won't understand the apology, but you've already forgiven me.
Child, I'm very sorry.
