Music Box
Emptiness, herein lies,
Despondent heart, withers away.
Little notes tinkle and fly,
a music box somewhere plays.
Little stone ballerina
Round and round she goes,
beating heart, stony Estella,
ever silent, she already knows.
In her little box she stays,
Hidden from cruel world,
dancing like little bees play
save for the notes, unreachable.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Somewhat failed attempts at poetry.
Notes about Oli II
Sweet, sweet Oli, where have you been? Hidden
away for many a month out of sight.
Reunited, I can again hold you tight,
Caressing your evil black curves, laden
with your sweet scent, feeling your black innards,
fingers in your orifice, squ'shing out light.
Inserting darkness, so so very tight.
You are pregnant with death, he shall hasten.
Taking my breath away, teasing your button,
squeezing gently, sends you screaming. you bite,
exploding. the night crackles with your might.
this birth shall fell your enemies, then
our affair is ov'r. o wicked demoness
'til again we meet, fade to nothingness.
New Year's Eve
A picture taken on a quiet night.
Long exposure a few friends and a pier,
darkened silhouettes,
sunbursts of night.
New year's eve.
Friends forever, auld lang syne,
a few beers and hugs
and forget me nots,
as time sprinkles sand.
A few years --
A photo in a frame.
Conscript.
A year in green.
A year more, still unseen.
Sit in the lot,
Where live the four wheeled monsters,
for me to guard and command
endlessly.
Whats the point?
Sweet, sweet Oli, where have you been? Hidden
away for many a month out of sight.
Reunited, I can again hold you tight,
Caressing your evil black curves, laden
with your sweet scent, feeling your black innards,
fingers in your orifice, squ'shing out light.
Inserting darkness, so so very tight.
You are pregnant with death, he shall hasten.
Taking my breath away, teasing your button,
squeezing gently, sends you screaming. you bite,
exploding. the night crackles with your might.
this birth shall fell your enemies, then
our affair is ov'r. o wicked demoness
'til again we meet, fade to nothingness.
New Year's Eve
A picture taken on a quiet night.
Long exposure a few friends and a pier,
darkened silhouettes,
sunbursts of night.
New year's eve.
Friends forever, auld lang syne,
a few beers and hugs
and forget me nots,
as time sprinkles sand.
A few years --
A photo in a frame.
Conscript.
A year in green.
A year more, still unseen.
Sit in the lot,
Where live the four wheeled monsters,
for me to guard and command
endlessly.
Whats the point?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The patron(izing) act.
A conversation with a young fifteen year old friend of mine from St Ignatius Church sparked an interesting epiphany.
I asked her what her friends would say if she asked them 'Do you think God is always with you?"
She responded, 'People in my cat class will probably give the expected answer which is 'yes, always with me'.'
That just blew my mind.
Even if it was just the expected answer, it was the right one and the truth at that. Think about it, these young kids, even if they doubt, deep down they know that is the truth, that God is real and is always with them. That requires faith bestowed from on high. They got the basics right.
Now, these kids are going to be confirmed in four or so months from now, and I think we will all be in agreement that they need to continue to learn more about God and strengthen their relationship with the almighty. In fact they should be learning more advanced theology, they should be introduced to deep symbolism and meanings behind the liturgy, they should be taught to develop good prayer habits, have a solid understanding of mortality; that death could happen at any time and how to prepare for it, they should be introduced to history of the church and taught basic apologetics. After all, they already have the basics.
Wouldn’t their annual confirmation preparation camp this June be a wonderful time to touch on all these topics and introduce them to retreats?
Wrong. You see, according to one Facilitator, our young fifteen year old teenagers need to ‘learn to be real with themselves, and real with God. Because in our world today, and particularly in our local context, our youth don't feel. They're taught to pursue excellence, prove themselves worthy of recognition, etc that so many find it difficult to even answer the question, "How are you feeling right now?"’
No… say it isn’t so! These fifteen year olds, who lead normal lives, have normal relationships with people, are emotionally healthy and able to make friends and have desires to pursue excellence, to put their God given talents to good use, are not ‘real with themselves’. No, no they’re clearly faking everything. Oh, and the last eight years of catechism and fifteen years of going for Mass and praying? Completely useless.
Well that certainly explains the theme of the camp, the ‘iGod’. Never mind the unintended screaming heretical blasphemy, we need to sell God to these kids in the form of a suitable pocket sized appliance that can be turned on and off at will and named after a well established toy, God clearly isn’t hip enough for these kids. So, we’re going to have to re-teach them everything as well, and in very simple, dilute terms. After all, these kids are only from low end schools like CHIJ and SJI and RGS, and have to understand such simple concepts as calculus and the Marshal plan, and use tiny words like ‘ terminal velocity’, ‘meiotic cell division’ and ‘alliteration’. They can’t possibly be expected to be able to learn more about God like a grown-up and use big words like ‘consubstantial’ and ‘mortal sin’, or understand any teachings of the fathers and get to know God through reflections in silence and prayer.
No, no no. They clearly need more noise in their lives, and therapy to get in touch with their feelings about God, we’ll call it prelest. Better start warming up the guitar, after all these are faithless moronic teenagers. Well, according to some people.
I asked her what her friends would say if she asked them 'Do you think God is always with you?"
She responded, 'People in my cat class will probably give the expected answer which is 'yes, always with me'.'
That just blew my mind.
Even if it was just the expected answer, it was the right one and the truth at that. Think about it, these young kids, even if they doubt, deep down they know that is the truth, that God is real and is always with them. That requires faith bestowed from on high. They got the basics right.
Now, these kids are going to be confirmed in four or so months from now, and I think we will all be in agreement that they need to continue to learn more about God and strengthen their relationship with the almighty. In fact they should be learning more advanced theology, they should be introduced to deep symbolism and meanings behind the liturgy, they should be taught to develop good prayer habits, have a solid understanding of mortality; that death could happen at any time and how to prepare for it, they should be introduced to history of the church and taught basic apologetics. After all, they already have the basics.
Wouldn’t their annual confirmation preparation camp this June be a wonderful time to touch on all these topics and introduce them to retreats?
Wrong. You see, according to one Facilitator, our young fifteen year old teenagers need to ‘learn to be real with themselves, and real with God. Because in our world today, and particularly in our local context, our youth don't feel. They're taught to pursue excellence, prove themselves worthy of recognition, etc that so many find it difficult to even answer the question, "How are you feeling right now?"’
No… say it isn’t so! These fifteen year olds, who lead normal lives, have normal relationships with people, are emotionally healthy and able to make friends and have desires to pursue excellence, to put their God given talents to good use, are not ‘real with themselves’. No, no they’re clearly faking everything. Oh, and the last eight years of catechism and fifteen years of going for Mass and praying? Completely useless.
Well that certainly explains the theme of the camp, the ‘iGod’. Never mind the unintended screaming heretical blasphemy, we need to sell God to these kids in the form of a suitable pocket sized appliance that can be turned on and off at will and named after a well established toy, God clearly isn’t hip enough for these kids. So, we’re going to have to re-teach them everything as well, and in very simple, dilute terms. After all, these kids are only from low end schools like CHIJ and SJI and RGS, and have to understand such simple concepts as calculus and the Marshal plan, and use tiny words like ‘ terminal velocity’, ‘meiotic cell division’ and ‘alliteration’. They can’t possibly be expected to be able to learn more about God like a grown-up and use big words like ‘consubstantial’ and ‘mortal sin’, or understand any teachings of the fathers and get to know God through reflections in silence and prayer.
No, no no. They clearly need more noise in their lives, and therapy to get in touch with their feelings about God, we’ll call it prelest. Better start warming up the guitar, after all these are faithless moronic teenagers. Well, according to some people.
Dr. House: [explaining why he became a doctor] When I was 14, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock climbing with this kid from school. He fell and got injured, and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, and passed this guy in the hall. He was a janitor. My friend came down with an infection, and the doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor. And a Buraku - one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't even try. He didn't dress well. He didn't pretend to be one of them. People around that place didn't think he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him - because he was right, which meant that nothing else mattered. And they had to listen to him.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Using your real Heart to find God
I have noticed that feelings seem to have taken over the church. I attended a retreat once and where at the beginning, the facilitator immediately invited us to reflect during the retreat with not our head knowledge, but our ‘heart knowledge’, for we often forget that we are emotional beings as well. He then went on to cite the Gospel of Matthew on the story of the road to Emmaus, where the two disciples, after meeting Christ related that ‘their hearts burned’ when he talked to them. It was a very disquieting moment.
Now, the Heart is very important to us in our journey to find God, without it, we would get nowhere. The Heart according to St. Paul is the instrument of Faith through the Holy Spirit. The Spirit dowels in the Heart. (Rom.5:5), an idea carried on by the Church Fathers. It guides our emotions and our rationality but is separate, it is the real us and is feed by the Spirit mystically through the liturgy. This is the understanding of Heart through the Sacred Traditions.
It is this Heart that the disciples felt burn so fervently after their encounter with Christ.
However, there is another understanding of Heart, the current contemporary definition. It takes Heart to be a synonym for feelings and emotions. This is the definition that I felt the facilitators seem to understand and were applying to the biblical passage. Through this definition, we would understand that the disciples felt a ‘spiritual high’ after their encounter.
Before I carry on, I think it would be prudent to define what I mean by emotions here. They are the fickle feelings that we feel upon reaction to the environment and atmosphere we are in. They are changeable, malleable, subjective and easily manipulated. Directors, playwrights and authors are excellent manipulators of feelings. Through the use of words, lighting, music and many other devices, they successful elicit certain emotions from you. Feelings are also temporary and fleeting, they can be there one moment and gone then next, and hence cannot always be authenticated.
With that in mind, the idea of a ‘spiritual high’ is a very dangerous one. We cannot authenticate it to truly be from God. Worse still, these fickle feelings are always so ooey gooey, we come away feeling good like at the end of a chick flick. An example of the way we, in these times, have come to regard these feelings as normal is through our contemporary idea of romantic love, what Father Z calls ‘luv’. It is seen in Hollywood movies to be all the mushy gestures, gifts, dinners and kisses that culminate in sex. It only shows the good things, but it is not love. True love goes beyond the emotions that we feel at the present. It is the conscious choice that we continuously make, in good and in bad times, and it is this choice that helps us to endure the sufferings of the bad times. We don’t just break off things because the luv seems to have died down. Similarly, after a bout of getting ooey gooey spiritually high, what happens when things return to normal, or worse, we fall into a state of depression, does that mean God is not present in our lives?
No. Obviously, that is not true. We KNOW that God is omnipresent and is always around us, and we know that he is beyond our physical realm, so it is NOT necessary to feel him.
The worst case is that these feelings can be used as a conduit for the devil to speak to us. Fr Seraphim Rose writes about them as a form of spiritual deception ‘which offers to its victims not great visions but just exalted "religious feelings." This occurs, as Bishop Ignatius has written, "when the heart desires and strives for the enjoyment of holy and divine feelings while it is still completely unfit for them. Everyone who does not have a contrite spirit, who recognizes any kind of merit or worth in himself, who does not hold unwaveringly the teaching of the Orthodox Church but on some tradition or other has thought out his own arbitrary judgment or has followed a non-Orthodox teaching - is in this state of deception."’ Hence, to approach our reflections with our feelings as our compass could possibly lead to very damning consequences.
There is a cure. The Fathers always taught to approach these things with Intellect. Compared with fickle feelings, which draws on the environment and things present, our intellect draws upon logic, reason and rationality, therefore it is objective, and has the ability to separate itself from distractions such as the environment. Hence, it is infinitely far more constant then feelings. The intellect has a good many uses in our life, it prevents us from misinterpreting scripture for it requires us to put each passage into context. It allows us to question and seek answers where necessary, it moves us deeper into the meanings of the Traditions and the faith. It fosters a more profound appreciation, something which shallow feelings cannot dive into.
To illustrate this, let us return to example of when someone is feeling a great spiritual low. Now in the state of depression, it may appear that God has forsaken us, or is not real, or any other similar thoughts. So then it would not be important to go to church, after all, why bother if God is not real? That is how someone using his feelings to think will consider these things. However, with intellect, we know that God is real, he is everywhere, including here now with us, and that he is beyond this physical realm, so we cannot feel him. We also know that he is unchangeable and his love and mercy is infinite. So we can conclude that he will not abandon us, he is real and therefore even if we don’t feel him, he is there. A good reason to keep going to church.
However, that said, there is another level of emotions that we require. Earlier, I wrote that the Heart guides both the intellect and the emotions. The ‘emotions’ that I wrote about were not the fickle feelings, but the greater more profound convictions, and passions that we have about our beliefs. These emotions are of utmost importance, for without them, we would not be able to hold steadfast in our faith, and to devote our lives fervently to God. However, these emotions don’t spring from anywhere, they first require solid understanding and knowledge to stand on. The Intellect provides this foundation, because we know, therefore we believe.
These emotions are not ooey gooey gush ones, but solid firm commitments to what we hold dear. These emotions are the ones we CHOOSE to have, and not merely the whims of the situation. They are put across and expressed not through how we feel, but the words we think and say and the actions that we do. They drive us to follow the teachings of Christ.
Thus, the emotions stand upon the foundation of the intellect, and both are guided by the Heart, the seat of Faith. When their hearts burned, the disciples felt not a feeling of being high, but the great conviction and passion that the Spirit brings, and then they knew it to be true. We too can attain this burning, but it is as Father Rose says, we need to approach it with a contrite heart, knowing full well that we are unworthy and to know and believe in the teachings of the Church. Faith isn’t blind.
If you are wise, then know that you have been created for the glory of God and your own eternal salvation. This is your goal; this is the centre of your life; this is the treasure of your heart.
-St. Robert Bellarmine
"I say to myself, I will not mention Him/I will speak in His name no more/But then it becomes like fire burning in my heart/imprisoned in my bones/I grow weary holding it in/I cannot endure it."
-Jeremiah 20:9
Not with a doubting but with a certain knowledge, O Lord, do I love You. You have pierced my heart with Your Word, and from that moment I have loved You. Moreover, behold, both heaven and earth and all things that are in them cry out to me on every side that I should love You.
-St. Augustine
Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.
-Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ, 28th Superior General (1965-83) of the Society of Jesus
Love is an act of the will.
-CCC 1766
So when your heart is distressed and agitated, put the cross into its centre to keep it steady.
-William Barclay
Now, the Heart is very important to us in our journey to find God, without it, we would get nowhere. The Heart according to St. Paul is the instrument of Faith through the Holy Spirit. The Spirit dowels in the Heart. (Rom.5:5), an idea carried on by the Church Fathers. It guides our emotions and our rationality but is separate, it is the real us and is feed by the Spirit mystically through the liturgy. This is the understanding of Heart through the Sacred Traditions.
It is this Heart that the disciples felt burn so fervently after their encounter with Christ.
However, there is another understanding of Heart, the current contemporary definition. It takes Heart to be a synonym for feelings and emotions. This is the definition that I felt the facilitators seem to understand and were applying to the biblical passage. Through this definition, we would understand that the disciples felt a ‘spiritual high’ after their encounter.
Before I carry on, I think it would be prudent to define what I mean by emotions here. They are the fickle feelings that we feel upon reaction to the environment and atmosphere we are in. They are changeable, malleable, subjective and easily manipulated. Directors, playwrights and authors are excellent manipulators of feelings. Through the use of words, lighting, music and many other devices, they successful elicit certain emotions from you. Feelings are also temporary and fleeting, they can be there one moment and gone then next, and hence cannot always be authenticated.
With that in mind, the idea of a ‘spiritual high’ is a very dangerous one. We cannot authenticate it to truly be from God. Worse still, these fickle feelings are always so ooey gooey, we come away feeling good like at the end of a chick flick. An example of the way we, in these times, have come to regard these feelings as normal is through our contemporary idea of romantic love, what Father Z calls ‘luv’. It is seen in Hollywood movies to be all the mushy gestures, gifts, dinners and kisses that culminate in sex. It only shows the good things, but it is not love. True love goes beyond the emotions that we feel at the present. It is the conscious choice that we continuously make, in good and in bad times, and it is this choice that helps us to endure the sufferings of the bad times. We don’t just break off things because the luv seems to have died down. Similarly, after a bout of getting ooey gooey spiritually high, what happens when things return to normal, or worse, we fall into a state of depression, does that mean God is not present in our lives?
No. Obviously, that is not true. We KNOW that God is omnipresent and is always around us, and we know that he is beyond our physical realm, so it is NOT necessary to feel him.
The worst case is that these feelings can be used as a conduit for the devil to speak to us. Fr Seraphim Rose writes about them as a form of spiritual deception ‘which offers to its victims not great visions but just exalted "religious feelings." This occurs, as Bishop Ignatius has written, "when the heart desires and strives for the enjoyment of holy and divine feelings while it is still completely unfit for them. Everyone who does not have a contrite spirit, who recognizes any kind of merit or worth in himself, who does not hold unwaveringly the teaching of the Orthodox Church but on some tradition or other has thought out his own arbitrary judgment or has followed a non-Orthodox teaching - is in this state of deception."’ Hence, to approach our reflections with our feelings as our compass could possibly lead to very damning consequences.
There is a cure. The Fathers always taught to approach these things with Intellect. Compared with fickle feelings, which draws on the environment and things present, our intellect draws upon logic, reason and rationality, therefore it is objective, and has the ability to separate itself from distractions such as the environment. Hence, it is infinitely far more constant then feelings. The intellect has a good many uses in our life, it prevents us from misinterpreting scripture for it requires us to put each passage into context. It allows us to question and seek answers where necessary, it moves us deeper into the meanings of the Traditions and the faith. It fosters a more profound appreciation, something which shallow feelings cannot dive into.
To illustrate this, let us return to example of when someone is feeling a great spiritual low. Now in the state of depression, it may appear that God has forsaken us, or is not real, or any other similar thoughts. So then it would not be important to go to church, after all, why bother if God is not real? That is how someone using his feelings to think will consider these things. However, with intellect, we know that God is real, he is everywhere, including here now with us, and that he is beyond this physical realm, so we cannot feel him. We also know that he is unchangeable and his love and mercy is infinite. So we can conclude that he will not abandon us, he is real and therefore even if we don’t feel him, he is there. A good reason to keep going to church.
However, that said, there is another level of emotions that we require. Earlier, I wrote that the Heart guides both the intellect and the emotions. The ‘emotions’ that I wrote about were not the fickle feelings, but the greater more profound convictions, and passions that we have about our beliefs. These emotions are of utmost importance, for without them, we would not be able to hold steadfast in our faith, and to devote our lives fervently to God. However, these emotions don’t spring from anywhere, they first require solid understanding and knowledge to stand on. The Intellect provides this foundation, because we know, therefore we believe.
These emotions are not ooey gooey gush ones, but solid firm commitments to what we hold dear. These emotions are the ones we CHOOSE to have, and not merely the whims of the situation. They are put across and expressed not through how we feel, but the words we think and say and the actions that we do. They drive us to follow the teachings of Christ.
Thus, the emotions stand upon the foundation of the intellect, and both are guided by the Heart, the seat of Faith. When their hearts burned, the disciples felt not a feeling of being high, but the great conviction and passion that the Spirit brings, and then they knew it to be true. We too can attain this burning, but it is as Father Rose says, we need to approach it with a contrite heart, knowing full well that we are unworthy and to know and believe in the teachings of the Church. Faith isn’t blind.
If you are wise, then know that you have been created for the glory of God and your own eternal salvation. This is your goal; this is the centre of your life; this is the treasure of your heart.
-St. Robert Bellarmine
"I say to myself, I will not mention Him/I will speak in His name no more/But then it becomes like fire burning in my heart/imprisoned in my bones/I grow weary holding it in/I cannot endure it."
-Jeremiah 20:9
Not with a doubting but with a certain knowledge, O Lord, do I love You. You have pierced my heart with Your Word, and from that moment I have loved You. Moreover, behold, both heaven and earth and all things that are in them cry out to me on every side that I should love You.
-St. Augustine
Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.
-Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ, 28th Superior General (1965-83) of the Society of Jesus
Love is an act of the will.
-CCC 1766
So when your heart is distressed and agitated, put the cross into its centre to keep it steady.
-William Barclay
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