Constant.

Today, I spent most of the afternoon calling admissions officers in the various UK universities. A chore that I was supposed to do on Monday, unfortunately it was put off due to unforeseen circumstances involving daylight savings and a dictator’s abdication. The entire experience as B, who helped call one university, put it, is entirely intimidating. There is a certain fear that grips the heart, knowing with every ring the knowledge that a sliver of hope is all you may receive and rejection is ultimately the default option.

For the uninformed, I am chasing my dream of becoming a doctor. It is a dream that I’ve had since I was a kid. Unfortunately, I was never offered the straight and narrow path was cast far off the beaten track to navigate through thorny thicket deep. At every junction, I watch the rest fly fast overhead on speeding clouds, while I wade through marsh and scale mountain. Essentially retained twice, I floundered at the ‘A’ Levels too, where I should have scored straight As, I clinched a mere ABCAA. For those who know me, I am far more capable.

I can’t think of any other reason except suffering from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Mine isn’t the run of the mill barely clinical ADHD, it is full blown, severe; I would climb a tree if given the chance. And I’ve never hated myself for having it so much in my entire life.

To think that just for a few base pairs on a chromosome somewhere in my DNA, I might have avoided this entire debacle. I cannot rationalize it any other way. It is solely the fault of ADHD that I am stuck in my predicament.

The education system of Singapore, for all its failures is fair enough upon those who work hard. In fact, which system of education, in any country in the world, makes considerations for the minority of the population? None, however, what is constant is that if you work hard and you have an ounce of intelligence, you will do well.

Was it the environment? My peers? Teachers? No, certainly not. I had good teachers for the most part. My peers were never study buddies. And my environment was of my choosing. It seems that I worked so hard only to have run into a ditch.

Quæritur: What do you do when your genes screw you over? It is essentially getting shot in the foot before the race of life begins.

Life is never constant with ADHD. There is a need to discover, to seek adventure, to feel the adrenaline pumping through the veins, to be challenged. Certainly, life, to the outsider is never boring. However, to us, life is a dangerous journey through the most murky mist amidst the smoke and mirrors. If there is to be anything that can be said to be constant, it is that I never know where I’m headed.

A Drink.

Cynical yearnings, a near ill-gotten dream enervates
strongly with almonds in my goblet.
oh what sweet slumber shall soon come.

In each small sip I take, bitting back bitterness,
of temporal gestures and uneventful memories,
to have grown so old and yet fraught with

naught but regrets, the least of which lessens
with every small sip. My eyelids become burdens.
just maybe, maybe...

A bullet and a method of delivery,
is a simple efficacious manner,
devoid of grace and benefits, so I sip, I sip.

To hope to sleep, and in that sleep, of the dreams to come.