Confessions of church militant.

I used to be a church militant. I discovered the truth regarding the horrible events surrounding the controversial second Vatican council and I was filled with fire. I was changed, suddenly I knew the important of the mass and traditions. Suddenly, I saw the flippancy with which the blessed sacrament was handled and the lack of awareness. I grieved about the traditions that were stolen from me. I was fueled with anger over the absence of an identity that was truly catholic. And, I was filled with fire to do something.

It is very common for this to happen, especially to one's who can see. Trads are usually a tough a bunch, who in real life are used to being the odd one out and having the drive to push forward when we know the truth. Combining that with a hot head who loves to argue and you've got a very explosive militant waiting to take off a few heads. I fought hard and I lost to a monster wave called popularity. I am very thankful that it was only a phase, because suddenly, I found out that there were better ways, softer ways, gentler ways to put the message across. One doesn't always need to be slapped hard in the face to break out of hysteria. In fact, most of the time, talking gently and softly is far more effective.

I look at the way I dealt with things in church now and the way I handled them in the past. There is a complete contrast. Last year, I fought hard to teach the new ones to take up the full fast. This year, I realised, it would be a long time before they decide to take up the proper fast. They need to explore these modern ideas of 'choosing' what to give up for lent, to see if they can do a childish fast before they take on a mature one. Before, I'd have corrected all the misconceptions that others would spout. This year, I realised, that correcting them would be futile. They hadn't reach that level of understanding yet. I have very high standards with what I think should be taught and what should be expected. I'm glad that I no longer try to hold everyone to those same standards. It would be futile and pointless until they were ready. I hope I'm improving.

I regret the whole of last year. I steadily rose in my militant stance from January and peaked in June before I started to tone down. I regret it so much because of all the people I offended in that journey. There was no need. There are always other more peaceful means. I regret that I let her see me so stubborn and so deranged and I'm pretty sure that was a factor. I don't regret what I've learned though. The truth is after all still the truth. What must be done correctly is simple and should be done.

Baby steps....baby steps.

The Truth.

There is a saying that 'the truth hurts' and indeed it does. The truth when laid out before you, strips you down of all your delusions of grandeur, or all the masks that hide the scars, of all the scars that hide the skin, and so you stand there, naked, as you are, in all you are. Naked, vulnerable, exposed. The truth is plain and bare. And when you're exposed like that suddenly, for the truth usually comes fast and quick, it is like an explosion and it hurts.

Preparing for interviews, completing university admissions forms and thinking about contingency plans are painful and torturous tasks. They remind me of all my failures and regrets in my first tour of academia. Having to constantly prove oneself and still find some confidence behind the shame of a lousy record. I guess, I'll always be lugging some baggage on my shoulders until the end.

I am very blessed to know so many people who were willing to help me prepare for my interview! Blessed especially to know the people I know. A former head of HR in a major bank. A bio tutor who's well versed in these interview questions. A medical student who's willing to take time off to meet with me. Not to mention all the advice people have been giving me. I'm very thankful to have you all in my life.

It is not surprising, being a medical school interview, that 'be truthful' is the most common advice that I received. Truth is an important facet in a doctor's life. His career, his vocation is built around it. The search for the truth in diagnosis followed by it's transition into the patient's hands. Trust is built on the integrity that flows from truth. And that trust is so crucial. If a doctor lies to patient, the patient is no longer capable of making proper decisions that will affect their bodies. Granted they are exceptions in extreme circumstances, it is something that certainly shouldn't be commonplace. However, medicine is a very competitive course and everyone wants to get in. In fact, you need to be the best of the best to get a place. Perfect grades, et cetera. The interview is the first of many. It's essentially a job interview and you need to make them want you.

Hence, I was surprised when preparing for the interview with a friend, the question of 'how many other offers have you received' came up and I was told to lie. With my lousy grades, getting other interviews is a miracle, and I know I can have flexible morals and lie if it suited me. (I'm not a serial liar, however I am willing to do so if necessary), yet somehow it seemed wrong particularly in this case to lie. Just wrong.

He cajoled further, 'if you want to get in, you'll have to lie.' And he had a point. After all, the point of the interview is selling yourself to the university. Why should they want you if noöne else did? You're immediately labelled as a reject and that spells defective. Why would anyone want to take you on then? How difficult can it be? Just to say '3' and give names. They can't check, universities don't reveal that information. It's acting after all, pretending to be someone else, putting on a mask and becoming that person for a short period of time...so simple. I'm an actor after all.

Yet, I couldn't. I couldn't from the start. I couldn't reconcile it, no matter how much I turned and twisted it around in my head. The decision was obvious. I would be honest. I cannot build a career whose foundation is lies on the truth with a cornerstone that is a lie.

Then the uneasy few hours past between that preparation and the interview the next day. I hoped that they wouldn't ask that question. They didn't, though they asked something similar, they asked 'why did you pick this college?'. And I told them the truth. That I was out of options and that if I wanted to do medicine, I would have to choose this college and that I knew it was a good college even if it wasn't highly graded and it didn't require straight As. I'm lucky to have found a decent and good medical school that I qualified for and that had churches that I could attend. (I didn't mention the churches though)

I know the consequences of such a response. I can only prayer and hope that they do not see me in a negative light.

St Patrick, pray for me!

it is two hours to my interview, my heart is racing, my eyes are shifting and scanning the entire room. I can't say if I'm prepared enough or if I'll actually get it. I think the only thing left is to soldier up and march on. I pray that I'll give the right answers. I pray that I'll be able to speak eloquently as I usually do. It's still St Patrick's Day in the US. St Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland. The interview is with the Royal College of Surgeons, Ireland.

St Patrick was born in Roman Britain, but was captured at the age of 16 by a raiding party and brought to Ireland. There he turned to God in prayer and he later escaped captivity when he had a dream from God and was reünited with his family. He later had another dream where the people of Ireland were calling out to him, 'we beg you holy youth to come walk among us once more.' He was then ordained and went on to convert many people. He used a shamrock to describe the trinity to the Irish, hence the symbol.

He also wrote the famous hymn known as 'St Patrick's Breastplate', composed by him in preparation for his victory over paganism.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of the Invocation of the Trinity:
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the Incarnation of Christ with His Baptism,
The virtue of His crucifixion with His burial,
The virtue of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
The virtue of His coming on the Judgement Day.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the love of seraphim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the hope of resurrection unto reward,
In prayers of Patriarchs,
In predictions of Prophets,
In preaching of Apostles,
In faith of Confessors,
In purity of holy Virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I bind to myself today
The power of Heaven,
The light of the sun,
The brightness of the moon,
The splendour of fire,
The flashing of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of sea,
The stability of earth,
The compactness of rocks.

I bind to myself today
God's Power to guide me,
God's Might to uphold me,
God's Wisdom to teach me,
God's Eye to watch over me,
God's Ear to hear me,
God's Word to give me speech,
God's Hand to guide me,
God's Way to lie before me,
God's Shield to shelter me,
God's Host to secure me,
Against the snares of demons,
Against the seductions of vices,
Against the lusts of nature,
Against everyone who meditates injury to me,
Whether far or near,
Whether few or with many.

I invoke today all these virtues
Against every hostile merciless power
Which may assail my body and my soul,
Against the incantations of false prophets,
Against the black laws of heathenism,
Against the false laws of heresy,
Against the deceits of idolatry,
Against the spells of women, and smiths, and druids,
Against every knowledge that binds the soul of man.

Christ, protect me today
Against every poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against death-wound,
That I may receive abundant reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the fort,
Christ in the chariot seat,
Christ in the poop [deck],
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of an invocation of the Trinity,
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

Things I may have left out.

Diagnosis in medicine is like a great detective game. You have all the symptoms as your evidence and the many diseases or afflictions as your suspects. All the pieces fit together like a puzzle and then you need to take care of it.

I may have 'Rubik's Complex'

Interviews...

I am in the midst of preparing for a medical school interview. God knows, I almost never thought I’d actually be here. I’m actually almost at a lost for words and that is an almost impossible feat. I’m anxious and nervous and worried that I won’t find the right words, or worst, the right examples to substantiate the qualities in the stories I’m supposed to recant for the interview panel. At this point, I’m wondering what was scarier, my DEP audition or this interview? Will I sound convincing enough? Enthusiastic enough? Confident enough? Calm enough? Intelligent enough? Will I go into game face and become emotionless and keep too detached a tone? Will I over do it?

I guess in doing everything for the first time, there is that element of fear of the unknown, of failing, that grips you. Practice always helps, but practice is always in a controlled environment, and when you’re in the field, anything and everything can go wrong. That’s Murphy’s Law. Once you clear that initial attempt, everything becomes easier. That fear of failing diminishes significantly. It will never completely disappear, but then it becomes minimal and recedes to the back of the mind.

I think the biggest question that grips me is not so much illustrating what a qualities a good doctor must possess or whether I can demonstrate a distinct sense of moral clarity. I think my biggest question is the perennial one: Why do you want to be a doctor?

There is certainly no end to the variations of answers that could be given for this question. There are a myriad of patterns that can be observed from the various reasons I’ve heard over the years, yet each one is individual and personal and never simple. One doesn’t simply sign up to spend the next decade in extensive and tedious training without first knowing what one is getting into.

On my part, it is essentially a combination of three factors: growing up in a family of doctors, my great love of science and interest in medical science and my equally great desire to help people.

I am from a family that has produced three generations of doctors. My parents are both doctors, as were my grandparents and my great grandfather as well (his wife was a nurse). Being from a family of doctors, I have, from day one, been submerged into the world of medicine. From being taken along to clinics or to the hospital while my parents tended to patients or went on rounds to watching my grandfather leave the house at all hours to deliver babies to enjoying the privilege of having very patient relatives would are willing to explain all my curious questions about medicine, biology, disease and drugs. As a result, I am fully aware of the both the positive and negatives sides of the career. I truly believe that despite the difficult life of being on call or the long long years of study and necessity of being the perpetual student, the chance to help a sick person get better and to make a difference in their lives is fully rewarding and that the ability to do this with science makes it even more so.

I also have a great love of science, particularly medical science. Being a naturally curious boy, I was always interested in learning how things worked and looking for explanations for naturally occurring phenomena. I loved learning science in primary school and when I had the opportunity in secondary school I jumped at the opportunity to obtain higher level material. I was reading and understanding O level sciences at the age of fourteen. Biology was of particular interest to me and I loved finding out how living things worked. Living things were always a mystery compared to machines, with all their parts that were specifically put there by the genius engineers, which is still fascinating, however, living things have that random factor. Machines can’t suddenly grow cancer or react to different environments, they work the way they are supposed to, unlike living things.

The more I learned about biology, the more I devoured it, and as I started to learn about the human body I was ensorcelled and entranced. The way everything worked is amazing. For example, I amazed at how in pregnancy, from the point of conception whereby a single cell is formed from the fusion of the gametes divides and grows in a sack within the uterus of a mother over a period of nine months to produce a full baby. At every step, the development is just precious and mindboggling. How the mother’s immune system doesn’t destroy what is now a foreign cell and how every system gets affected. Or the various stages of skin repair, the inflammatory to the proliferative to the epitheliation to maturation. I’m just fascinated. I love to learn and be challenged in new ways.

With regards to helping people, I was brought up from young to always help those who are in need and as I grew up, I realize that it is something I honestly enjoy doing. Medicine is the only field that I can think of that will allow me to help people on a daily basis and have the opportunity to see the effects of my work. My grandmother always used to quote the anonymous physician who said that doctors should ‘cure sometimes, relief often and comfort always.’ And that is sometime I have seen on every attachment that I have been on, the majority of patients leave the doctor’s room with a look of relief and comfort on their faces. And this, to me, is very rewarding.

Hence, the opportunity to daily combine these two great interests of mine as a career is most appealing and I am enthusiastically hoping to explore this. Furthermore, the long training and intellectual rigour of medicine provide an ideal platform to challenge and push myself further. It’s a like a large and very long puzzle and I enjoy putting the pieces together.