all the rain that falls on your couch

it's a horrid day, fitness lacking, sleep lacking.
i honestly wonder how things will be. where is He leading me?
will i make it? sometimes its just so hard to believe. to believe in me and my abilities.
two weeeks to aquire an iota of match fitness should i even want to partake in preseason games.
one week till chem ca, two to math and bio.
there is no more sociality is gone from my life. i suppose i should be thankful for being such an antisocial creature and just fade to white. there's no reason to find love this year, no need to, no reason for friends or fun.
harsh is this winter solace.

oh i hate this memory of mine.
so vividly you remain in my mind for me to see. i question why.
but now the voices speak again, finally they speak night and day. so i can relish i can finally write again. but can i catch them in the act, to that matter will i be able to cipher their meaning.

and as i question i wonder so many meanings. philosophy is beginning to errode my head.

when do i come and kill you?

my mind is returning to it's forgotten state of unbridled insanity. my long lost vation away from the world. i'm happy. the voices are talking to me again. the words are flowing, thoughts are on their never ending journeys across neurons. finally i can write again. but, nothing makes sense. it's as if sense is lost amongst those in a world where nonsense will reign.

my computer is plagued by virtual infection. much to my vexation, i can't even back up my last three years of life.

konbeki no umi ni ukanda kimi ni

it's midnight, and i'm sitting here with ammonnia fumes rushing into my eyes. my hair once again is it's natural jet black. washing off the dye, and watching the chemicals pour down from my hands, watching them run off down the drain like dripping blue blood, washing away...i'm wondering when i will wash the invisible blood from my hands. away... so far far away.

this stupid dye is so expensive and it's the second time this month that i've had to dye my hair. i spend way too much time in the sun. i'm wondering then, why won't they just let me leave it as it is. why can't they just let me be me? instead they force into a mould that i definitely do not fit. a mould in a uniform, emblazened with a badge, an identity to uphold. yet, it's not mine. that identity with it's little leeways and tolerances results in a boy in white and navy blue, with short neat hair, and shirt neatly ironed and tucked in. a studious cadence surrounds his submissive face. he is never late, never rude, never loud or obnoxious, forever surrounded by other clones.

of course reality detracts from ideality. but yet the mould now allows for a weird range of characters, the good, the bad, and the rugby sort. the ones that get made fun of in the staff room and used as a scapegoat for mischief in the school. when people use the things that surround in order to organize you and compartmentalize you into a system inorder to familiarize and therefore judge you before knowing you. you become everything you're not.

so where am i? what am i? the boy. the rugger. the photographer. the thinker. the writer. the actor. the artist. the scientist. the doctor. what good are these terms to me. the only one that makes sense is the misanthrope.

i don't care about people, i don't care for their thoughts or opinions, even less the ones in relation to me. i'm not here to be liked, i don't want to be liked. even if i did, who would like me? it is liberating, to finally say it. i can do what i want, say what i want, be where i want. no one would care. eccentricity, it's been used to describe me before, weird to those whom verbosity is beyond their short reach. i have no expectations except to be -- eccentric. isn't that lovely?

but surely you wonder, as if you even care, what is the cost? i'll never be part of what they call society. what does that mean? no parties, no hang outs, no large groups of friends. you'd never be able to live without that clique which sustained you in the last two years. you depend on them, you live for them, pondering every other moment till you see them next, and on which occasion, they refresh you, give you life, until they depart once more. insomuch that it shows you where your life revolves. such a concept is alien to me. you are alien to me.

you'll hate me, from the first minute, i'm unfamiliar. that's alright. i don't care. i can't be bothered.

and now back to math.

New year's day.

welcome to the new year kids.
It is the eight year of the second millenia, Anno Domine.
I wonder if it will be fruitful, if it will be good? i wonder so many things, i wonder whether i will be here next year to post again, here this very day next year. I wonder whether my A levels will end in failure or in exuberant triumph. I wonder how goes all the things i set off this year, will they take to fruition, and will their consequences be good or bad? I wonder how many people will i lose this year? I hope none. The future is too fluid, so I should live here and now.

I took my kids, the sister and the brother, and we met up with Anne and later Aloy and his friend kev to watch the annual fireworks at Marina Bay. Not just to 'oooh' and 'ahhh' but to document our new year's escapade. Well you can see the mistake. Too long an exposure, but even the mistakes look alright.
We all had a really good time and I met quite a few really cool photographers, though i am so embaressed that I had a tripod that should have belonged to some idiot with a compact. Everyone else's tripod looked they could survive a hurricane, mine.. would probably be blown over by a butterfly ): Could i get any poorer? sigh. I swear i'll never have any money as a working citizen. Too expensive hobbies.

Strangely, most ironically, I was wondering who I'd meet that I knew here on the geek side of the bay. God who seems to love to inject his humor into my life made me spot who just as we were leaving..who else but HER. I suppose lord, this is one of those, in ten years time we'll be laughing at it over a keg of beer or something right? Though there isn't much to say, since she saw me, and decided to pretend she didn't see me, rotating a 180 degrees, hoping that her 5'9" frame would suddenly disappear from my view. Silly girl, don't you know i'm a photographer? I see all.. well since you decided to pretend i was there, i guess i couldn't have been right. Guess, i can't blame you for your aversion, though i find it disappointed you turned out to be such a person. Anyway i bumped into Ian and Noel as well. some consolation, they were with her anyway. meh.

We ditched Anne at the subway. rather she ditched us. then we headed to Newton for some supper and chill time. A plate of chay tow kuay later, we were joined by Tissue Rajah for some of the best entertainment of the new year! This guy is just a guy selling tissue in Newton Hawker Center, but he can say happy new year in 4 languages and a dialect! and he can speak in at leaast 3 of those! Can you? And he was so nice too, told us jokes and entertained us with his tricky lateral puzzles. It just goes to show, you can never pass anyone off! no matter how low on the social foodchain they are, they are still our brethren, our people, God's children. It took a protestant to remind about that. I was gonna brush him off, like i do all these tissue paper sellers. Now i'll never do that again. there's really more in this world than meets the eye.

And i thought my life would have thought me that, all those people who just pass me by, day by day, on account of eccentricity and weirdness. like hwy, their loss is all i can say.

LIVE LONG!

and here's the new school year. I may not be able to catch shut eye, but heck! I'm excited, and full of dread.