Beauty

Love Undefiled has a very nice video link today. The video, titled ‘Killing Us Softly 3’, a talk by Jean Kilbourne on the presentation of women in the media and advertisements. While albeit a bit long at 35 minutes, she does provides very poignant and witty insights into the dehumanization and objectification of women in various media. Do give it a watch here.

Ms Kilbourne puts into words something which I have realized for a long time. As a photographer of many years, particularly one specializing in portraits, I have, over the years, more than noticed the trend that she points out. It is particularly more difficult to get my female friends to partake in a picture than the guys who would be racing to be the first to jump in front of the lens. It would appear that the professionalism associated with the big, black and bulky SLR that I used seemed to deter them greatly. They didn’t feel that they looked good enough to be in a professional photo. Pity, they looked good enough to me.

To me, and I daresay that I do not hold the same views as the majority of my sex, the most beautiful portraits I’ve ever seen were never the ones used for advertising, or the ones shot in a studio. No, I’ve actually always hated those photos. They’ve always appeared artificial, overly sexualized, immature and completely lacking in any meaning or intelligence. They’re lifeless. To be completely honest, and at the risk of my manhood (shhhhh!), I don’t particularly find the models extremely attractive or beautiful at all. If anything, they look fake. I’ve never bothered with Victoria’s secret catalogues or whatever it is my friends or bunkmates were into, and I’ve only ever bought one copy of fhm, to support a friend who modeled for a minor article, and save for that article (poorly written too, I might add), remains unread at the bottom of a box in a cupboard somewhere. I’m just strange that way.

The most beautiful portraits that I have ever seen feature everyday people of any age going about their lives, in everyday settings. They capture the true character of a person, who they are really are in that split second that the shutter opens. They are usually sans make-up or purposely posed in any manner. They celebrate life for everything it is. In every happy or sad moment, in times of anger, or calm, in reflection or grief, that is where life is captured. While this is possible in a studio, the best I’ve seen are always captured outside of the artificially created scene, in natural light, with the living world as a backdrop. Truly, they are a celebration of life.

I’ve always felt that it is possible to take a beautiful picture of anyone; no matter how they look or what age they are or even if they have a huge mole on their nose. Naturally, I also prefer that they are without make up. I guess you could say I like to capture people as God desired me to see them, which requires looking a bit deeper than the epidermis. It requires you to see the child of God. After all, we know that God is love, and love is beautiful. Since God creates with love, what he creates can only be beautiful.

Beauty, my dear friends, is out there in the world, it’s in the faces of everyone, beyond their skin. It’s their identity, their personality, who they are that makes them beautiful. And, it’s up to you to stop and have a look around you. The ageing lady, pushing her ancient wheelchair bound husband around the playground, the young children laughing and creating their own new worlds in the park, the family going out for dinner or the young couple enjoying a quiet walk along the pier. The beauty is all there, if you want to see it or not. And, when you see that beauty, you’ll get a glimpse of God.

So remember kids, especially the girls, you are beautiful!

'Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul.' St Augustine

Dreams.

Today I had the privilege to have a look inside the mind of a dear friend. It was, admittedly, an ill begotten privilege to venture so deep inside his mind. I feel horrible that I partook in it. The venture itself was unexpected, but I saw his deepest dream.

The contents of the dream are neither relevant to this short essay, nor do I have the right or desire to share it. Safe to say, the ambition, whilst possible and plausible in the current situation, was far from ideal. To have attained it in this manner would have been a mockery of his ideal in the first place. Safe to say, he has never ventured into it.

To summarize, it is possible to attain his ideal, but he will sacrifice may other important things along the way to achieve, so many that, in his fervently practical nature, it is unrealistic.

I feel deeply sad for him that he cannot pursue this dream. It is a very noble career. It made realize that in pursuit of my own dream, that of practicing medicine, that I am blessed to continue to have the opportunity to realize it, even if the sacrifices are difficult. I guess the choice I shall have to make is the one he faced, to be content here for he is very blessed, or to risk all for that one dream. In mine too, I shall face the same dilemma.

For me, to carry on this road shall mean great sacrifices. I shall go have to go away, leaving my family behind. That pains me greatly. I may not be the perfect son, far from it, but my parents have always been as perfect as they could to raise a child that does not conform to anything in any textbook anywhere except clinical ones. I may just as well put aside my dream of one day having a family. I am getting old, and I know that I will get sucked in completely to that world of medical academia.

However, I cannot and will not begin to compare the risks of our dreams. For him much more is at stake, for him, much more could have been lost. He is a very valiant man. In comparison, my task amounts to nothing. I admire him for his courage, not just in his dream, but in his ability to turn away from it, even though deep down it hurts so much, even if he would never mention it. It is a hurt that will be always there.

The matriarch of the Kennedy Family, Rose Kennedy once said, 'It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.'

This will be in his dreams forever. He is obsessed.

So am I. Time and time again, my path to medical school has been strewn with insurmountable obstacles and more often than not, the path is shrouded in much smoke and mirrors. One of the most important things to have in applying for medical school are grades, I had the worst luck of having the combination of being both severely ADHD and to be stuck in the utilitarian competitive machine of the Singaporean Educational system. It is honestly by the grace of God that I have managed to venture so far inside the system and still come away with curiosity and the deep desire to learn. I still am, however, uncertain of the future. It is unnerving.

I cannot give this up though. It may not seem like the wisest decision, far better careers, far more financially stable, for better job security (all with better working hours). I won't be able to live with myself for not seeing this through until the very end. I do honestly wonder if it is he who has made the right choice.

At the very least, should I be forced off the path permanently, and stuffed into a cubical someone doing a menial job I don't care very much about(I cannot even fathom what that will be!), I shall have benefited greatly from the process. I have to admit that my journey thus far, in all it's curves and bends, has taught me far more than I would have learned had I been allowed to take the more linear path. I would have probably been miserable. The most important thing that I have learnt is to trust God more.

It is the most unnerving thing of all. Especially for a schemer like me. I need to know, if this what I'm doing, I need to be thinking three, four, five steps ahead. Yet, often, especially in this journey, I cannot see beyond my nose. God is clearly in the driver's seat. I just hope as I sit down next to him, I shall have the courage to open my eyes and be ready to alight where he so desires.

This is often an issue that ends up being discussed in our 'sharing' sessions during RCIY. Where is God leading me? Is this really what he wants me to do? To be honest, the truth is I do not know, and I am sure that no one knows. It is easy to apply human rationalization to every point in my journey to say that God is truly pushing me in this direction. He's given me the necessary skill sets, he's changed me in ways I'd never imagine. However, there are just too many variables to be sure. I cannot find comfort in that.

I guess that I am just stubborn. Then again I don't know.

I also realize that this post has digressed pretty far from the faint idea of where I originally intended. Like this post, I don't know exactly where I'm going now. I can only pray that it is the right way. That's all anyone can pretty much do. Pray. I shall chase this dream until otherwise.

I wish I could tell you. I know I shouldn't. I guess I won't. One day maybe.

What if I told you I'd never give up? That I'd never back down? That, no matter how many times you push me down, no matter how many times I fall, no matter many times I get floored, I will never drop my sword, I will never let go of my shield?

I will get up and go at you again and again and again. I won't be bothered by the pain and the torture of every breath. I will get up. I will push on. I will fight on.

I can't stop. Not now, not after so long. No, I can't. I know I'm stubborn. That's the nature of the Taurus. This is the dragon burning within me. I just can't settle for anything less than this. I don't care how many times you push me off the mountain, and how my hands are bleeding and my knees are scraped and how my muscles burn with ever step I take, and how much soot has covered my face, I will get up and I will charge again. And again. And again. AND AGAIN, UNTIL I REACH YOUR SUMMIT, UNTIL I STAND ABOVE YOUR PEAK, UNTIL I HOLD YOU IN ALL YOUR VIGOUROUS TENACITY.

I AM A FIGHTER. I AM A SOLDIER. AND I CANNOT STOP. THAT IS WHO I AM. I DO NOT KNOW DEFEAT.

And, I'm coming for you.

My thoughts...

The Little Things Give You Away
Linkin Park

Water grey
Through the windows, up the stairs

Chilling rain
Like an ocean everywhere

[Chorus]
Don't want to reach for me do you
I mean nothing to you
The little things give you away

And now there will be no mistaking
The levees are breaking

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

And six feet under water
I
Do
[End Chorus]

Hope decays
Generations disappear

Washed away
As a nation simply stares

[Chorus]
Don't want to reach for me do you
I mean nothing to you
The little things give you away

But there will be no mistaking
The levees are breaking

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

And six feet under water
I
Do

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

And six feet under ground now
I
Now I do
[End Chorus]

[Brad's Guitar Solo]

Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away

(Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

(Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

(Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

(Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

(Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

(Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

(Little things give you away)