ATTEN-HUT!
GOOD MORNING MAGGOTS!
I am Sergeant Mercurius O'Brien, and for the next few months, I am going to prepare you for confirmation.
Dooo-ooo YOU know what that is son? Confirmation, huh? I CAN'T HEAAAR YOU. That's right son, it's a sacrament. Anyone want to give a guest what a sacrament is? Nope? Not one? What are they teaching you in your catechism classes?
Right, now listen up. Confirmation is a sac-ra-ment. It is outward sign of inward grace, and in this particular sacrament, you, yes you baby face, you are going to be sealed with the Holy Spirit. Does anyone know why? No one?
*aside* Oh good Saints in heaven, we have plenty of work on our hands.
YOU are the CHURCH MILITANT. You are being prepared for SPIRITUAL WAR. Yes, son, SPI-RI-TUAL WAR. Didn't your teachers tell you that in class? That ongoing right now is a great war between them angels up above, and those devils down below? A war between heaven and earth for the our very souls?!
Yes, that's right Jones, a war. for. your. soul.
Now listen up, from this moment forward, YOU, are going to forget every single nambly-pambly thing that you have been told by your catechism teachers. This is a war, and when you die. YES, you will die eventually, but don't worry, Our Lord, Jesus Christ has already conquered death, you won't have to be afraid. But, when you die, there will be four last things that happen to you. You will. 1) die. 2) be Judged, 3) go to heaven, or 4) go to hell. Have I made myself clear? Good.
What's that, Verrelli? Your teacher doesn't believe in hell? She said you God will take everyone to heaven? WRONG. What's that? Speak up Verrelli! It isn't in the bible? Have you read it? Well you better get started. Now drop and give me three decades! YOU CALL THAT A DECADE? Why, my grandmother, God bless her soul, could say a decade better than you. God bless her soul, could say a decade better than you. Why, she was a saint, she could pray better than the entire camp put together! Forty hours of exposition, she was there, all forty hours. On her knees. That's right her knees. On your feet, dirtbag.
Right, listen up maggots, you will, I repeat, you will go to hell if you live a life in a state of sin and a life contrary to the teachings of Holy Mother Church. If you support unnatural forms of marriage, or like to kill unborn children or not go for frequent confession. Do you have a problem with that son? Yes, you! The one in the tight pink shirt with the rainbow on it? Judgemental? Why.... clearly you haven't read the CATECHISM OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. Lemme give you some advice son. You have one and only one soul, and there is only one way to heaven, God's way. Better decide what you want, His way, or the highway.
I've never seen a more sorry bunch of fools in my life. Well, don't worry, we will teach you. Yes, we will teach you everything that you need to know to fight the good fight. We will arm you against the devil. We will teach you how to fast, and to do penance and mortify yourself. Here, you will learn to grab the cross when you are in trouble. You will learn to assist in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. You will learn the teachings of Holy Mother Church as she kept them for two thousand years. You are here so we can turn you into a saint. IS THAT CLEAR?
Alright, I think you have too much energy. Let's go for a tour around camp. By tour, I mean run. After that you will turn in and polish your shoes for Mass.
Let's go, let's go, let's go. MOVE IT!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN TOLD,
THE CATH'LIC CHURCH IS BRAVE AND BOLD....
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