It's the end, I think.
The week past the exams is over and done with, I've finished my task, I wonder how I'm dealing with the answer, where ever will this lead and whereat will I be at the end of the road? How curious, it irks me. Just one confusion to another and I know I can so easily force the conclusion out, I know I have the necessary connections to do so, yet do I have the necessary ethics to wait? Would I be an obstacle, a crack in the mental exterior, would I be the chink in the defense that will cause a tall monument to fall? I don't know. Maybe you do... maybe you should tell me... It's up to you.
Two years have so fast gone by, all my friends have grown up around me, moving around, moving along this life. Soon they'll be gone. I'll miss them, I know I will. I hate change. I wonder why? I use to think I could adapt to anything, any given situation that was thrown at me. I still can. Yet why do I hate the fact they'll be leaving, even when they aren't too close to me? Only a few. A select, patient enough to see past eccentricities. I wonder...
AC games has come and gone, the second one. Good job no. 31, you actually did something original, filled with potential. You should have done it during orientation. Bonding a group of people in the most thorough way is to put them through the dirt, literally, through the mess and mud and the bad treatment, the suffering makes them come closer. In their minds, the need to believe that it's actually better than it is, due to the choice involved in choosing that group. The effort that was put in. oh, how the mind hides it's scares from consciousness so well... But that class will be so close together. You won't see people leaving AC games so early next year if you had done it as such.
I took a lot pictures over the last two days. I'm happy with the catch and I discovered a good photographer. Though it's made me question, why do I find myself drawn to take pictures of people? To strip them to down to what they are, devoid of their masks that they hide behind, insasmuch as to see their souls. Camera's do steal your soul. Chow says that I'm looking for the familiarity of the people in order to find abstractness that holds them. To make them alien. But I worry upon another angle hereat. Inasmuch as I am drawn to them to find abstract messages to hide myself from society, is it because of my inability to connect with the majority of society that causes me to seek that forbidden fruit through another means. It is cruel irony to make a sociable person unable to find common ground with most of soceity. Or is it just this society? Or is it just me?
It's so tiring and lonesome being a sociopath. I think that's where I am. I started out two years ago, going for abstract images, mainly of nonhuman objects, now I'm drawn to the face? I'm questioning my every aspect...Why is it undesirable in society to have that taint of eccentricity? Would it make her think of me in a different light?
And i wonder... What would a normal life have been? The one that follows conventionality? The one without the intelligence, the observational and analytical skills, the eidetic memory, the ingenuity and resourcefulness. The one without the hyperactivity and vivid hyper imagination. Without the impulsivity... What would that be like? To simply follow convention in ever asepect, to be the same, unnoticable? Would I have found the large group of friends I crave for, the company I desire, to be able to meet people all over the place, and just have fun talking shop. In assiduous normality, to every minutiae. I can't even dream of what it would be like. Even with my imagination and knowledge, I cannot even fathom what a normal convention life as the average joe would be! I don't know....
I hope you feel lucky...
Life is better on the other side,
Greener on the other pastures..
Over here is only an abyss
And as Nietzsche said, 'When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you.' I'm looking into it. Will it see the holes in me? Especially the long vacant one on the left side of my chest.
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