here I am, hot chocolate in hand. Made myself, with 3 extra huge scoops of boncafe powder left over from last christmas, cause I'm very sad. This Christmas is coming, just a couple more months, sounds so exciting so enticing.
It makes me wonder. How will i spend this christmas? Will I spend it all alone, crying inside, regretting indecisions and impulsive visions. Will I be happy, rejoicing in the eggnog (I'm gonna make some this year!) and over part of the Christmas lunch I helped to cook, since I'm such a good cook. I wonder. What will happen in the next four months leading to one of my favorite holidays? The other two being Easter and David day, which is celebrated yearly on the Seventeenth, not that anyone remembers.
The timeline looks so ardous by itself, before the padding. It's the seventh week of school, I've got 3 common tests coming up toward the end of term and 2 more spas. Promos are barely two more months away, disasterously, I'm still crashing and hitting the floor so hard. Prelims are barely a week away for the j2s, and after that it'll be less than 8 weeks and I'll never see them again. I have 10 weeks to do something or it'll be a lost cause forever.
I wonder why I hold on and chase these things for so long. Is it because I was brought up to believe that regret is the greatest failure, to have never actually tried? And yet, I'm failing now. The regret just swallows me. The negativity that grabs out and stabs me about the possibilities that could have been but never were. I wonder.. I wonder, it's that game that everyone plays. "what if?" It's a horrid game, a game that puts you in the past and future and everywhere but where it counts the most. The present.
I remember wise words from a wise old irishman by the name of Fr. Keane. They were given to my best friend in his time of dire need, and they were passed onto me in my time. "Don't live in the past, it's over, and don't live in the future, it's not yet here. Live now, in the present, because that's where you are and that's where God is." And it's true. Amidst all the laws and rules that are in the the bible and the church that prepare us for our entry into heaven, God wants us not to worry and dread and anticipate it, since the time will creep upon us 'like a thief in the night', he wants us to live our lives here and now. That's where our impact in life can be felt, where everything that we have ever wanted to do or change is. That's where time is moving. Here and now. And we need to be present here and now to take full use of it. No point dreaming and wallowing in pitiful dreams of what could be, you have to make it happen. No one's gonna do it for you, cause they're too busy dwelling. Maybe, that's why I've always left it to me to get things done. Make the move into jc, starting all the things that I've done over the years.
It brings me some hope, that the future is still malleable. Things and time can change things, it can still be altered, though I will have to bring out my hammer and my chisel. Make it happen. I know I won't be settled until I talk to her, and I tell her what I really want to tell her. I know that there is a high perecentage that she may react negatively. But I don't actually know what might happen. For all the better understanding we try to make of the human mind and the way things process, the more confused we are now. MAybe its just me. Born different, see things differently, intepret different. Normalcy is like some kind of foreign language to me. I know that for me to return to what normalcy I have left, is to break the current rules of contact between us. To talk. I wonder how I'm going to do that. I wonder what I'll say. And I wonder how long I have left. The clock is ticking fast, I wish really that I wasn't stuck in this unrequited circle. I'm sure I've irritated the hell out of my friends already.
Friends too are strange thing. What makes you make them? I know the ones I keep are willing to look past the stupid things I do, and the benefit in the end, cause I know that I make a positive impact on their lives. Touching and changing lives, seems to be some kind of calling; one of my reasons to go into medicine. I must thank them, my friends, I'd probably be rotting somewhere had they not tolerated my annyoing depression. Jon, Marie, Bowen, Sharm, Eli and all you who are always at hand to provide a listening ear to my eccentric antics. Thank you all. Though I'm curious, this idea of friendship, how it comes about. I know I seem to have some kind of gift in it, since I've been known to spontaneously start yakking away with random people from all around. I must say its fun to make friends, I love a good conversation, and taxi drivers will always provide some of the most entertaining. Though I always regret not being able to make friends with people whom I find to be amsuing and entertaining and nice people. People like her.
I guess, in the end, its all about the effort that you want to put in. I must work harder, and infiltrate and work that magic gift, or it will really go to waste. That would be a gigantic regret, the biggest failure.
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