sa·cred [sey-krid]
–adjective 1. devoted or dedicated to a deity or to some religious purpose; consecrated.
2. entitled to veneration or religious respect by association with divinity or divine things; holy.
3. pertaining to or connected with religion (opposed to secular or profane): sacred music; sacred books.
4. reverently dedicated to some person, purpose, or object: a morning hour sacred to study.
5. regarded with reverence: the sacred memory of a dead hero.
6. secured against violation, infringement, etc., as by reverence or sense of right: sacred oaths; sacred rights.
7. properly immune from violence, interference, etc., as a person or office

of all the words for that could have stumped me in vocab, it had to be the one which is used almost in daily life. 3 days till math. i can get a B. i just need to finish all the questions. ):

we'll come back and you'll taste your blood.

21-18

you might have won this time by a damn cheap last minute try, but i guarrantee we'll back and next time it'll be worst. Hope you feel lucky today punks.

in other news, today was the first day that the j1 babies trashed their colours of benniton and donned the supreme colours of anglo-chinese junior college. i must say they looked so mature and smart in their new uniforms. i'm sure kelvyna told them that too. i wouldn't know, i missed assembly and many periods ):.

sigh i feel so old. and i was enjoying the colour. oh well.

tired world.

so unfit, so tired, so uninspired.
sometimes i wonder how i pull through, everytime i keep wasting my time doing things online, when i should be mugging, every single minute. yet, i'm talking to friends, checking out facebook and stuff.

terms are coming, just around the corner, hiding, lying in wait. i know it's there, that's the best part, it's an easy kill, yet i'm not working towards it. it should be no problem for me to get a B grade average, but i don't feel i'm doing enough work, i don't feel there's enough time to practice. i wish i could just pon school the whole week and study at home, but that won't help much, plus i won't get to play ib on wed. blah..

mugmugmug

life.

day in day out,
a trek through the wilderness
of life, threaded without sign or clue.
lost in the very heads of maybe or if,
the very thoughts strain their myths,
like surreal dreams they dance and play,
beyond blurry darkness, they lift
the mood, making it gay.
of course for the thought to count,
the nightmare must return to sea,
sunk'd and buried, stiff and blunted
and inaccessible to thee.
yet, the nightmare is real.
it is reality,
the dream can only fade...
so day in day out,
a mask is worn on the journey,
it protects the scars from further harm,
the wearer from the gourney,
from the fluid that embalms.
he becomes cold and distant,
it is the mask he wears.
misunderstood and forgotten, a silent war is there,
and the weight of his world he bears.
a tear falls down his cheek,
first of many like rain will fall,
all hidden by his great mask.
will they ever see in at all?

Pain
Three Day's Grace

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

i hate having AS

i just realized it. it's like someone suddenly flicked on the light bulb and went BLAM! haha. you suck.

i know why how my crushes develop, i don't know if it's a good thing, but it certainly is annoying, and it all stems from having an abnormal brain. the same one that doesn't let me go to sleep at night and keeps me analysing things until my brain fries, the one that won't let me have friend

like i've said before, all crushes start from a thought, a thought which is then explored, and toyed with more and more, and blam before you know it, you're hooked. Now for my case, imagine that your mind is forever thinking, connecting, linking, playing, manipulating, imagining. Then throw in the thought about a girl who more or less fits your mind's idea of an appealing, then hit the overdrive button. and ta-da, 9 month crush on a girl i don't know, and with whom my chances are screwed. This is the same story with Frances.

it is so sad. I hate being locked up in my head, being ostracised for just being me, discriminated for being different and weird, and unable to persue proper relationships with other people who fail to intellectually stimulate me. Which is more or less 95% of the world out there. I thrive during educational discussion because i love the stimulation, and it's so with a lot of other aspies out there. yet i can't talk about boring things, mundane, unnecessary, redundant things.

why?

A Kenotic Moment.

I sit here again, a year gone by.
As though I were frozen in time,
caught in dereliction.
the dead rose withered by my feet,
red blackened petals like shattered sheets
amid the hues of the sunset speak
troubled troubled times,
here this red sky in the morning,
a clear warning.

the little giant girl, she took her leave,
now along the trails, amidst the reefs,
her story story sunken to the depths of the sea
her eyes, her precious eyes,
a cadged glow withered now, so silently.
along the ridge, the fishes swim,
they are old and weary, thin and dreary
a beggar would pass this off (wouldn't take it on a limb)
this idea grows cold.
long and forgot, it beckons not
the lost and the thought
falters stops and dies.

i have no more energy to seek this chase,
a hope grows so shallow,
(a thin thread to hang onto)
here the accursed grey box grows heavy,
so apt proportionately abnormal,
it was charged no levy
to enter the world,
this curse of kenosis.
in the shadow of friends. (do i spend enough time?)
the world holds persistant its stance.

oh accursed me.
all the wrong i have done,
all subconsciously, all unknown,
no recompense can be given knowingly.
i want to change. (rid myself of me)
so tacitly, in turn so desperately,
yet the wait holds out like wolves in winter.
the snow covers all identity.
it's all grey.

shot dead by the treehouse.

i hate my life, i'm so lost and so annoyed. nothing ever seems to work. either i'm greatly disillusioned or i'm so bloody useless. why? why am i so bloody useless. I can't manage time, i can't even get enough sleep so i don't fall asleep during my classes, though it wouldn't matter since i can't even pass them. I failed chem. This is the first time in the last one year that i have failed chem. i failed it, and rightfully so. i lacked the practice, it's always that. then the stupid teacher had to go and humiliate me in the front of the whole class, that i'm not getting enough brain food, i need brand's chicken essence, which she kindly whipped out of her a bag there and then. how thoughtful. gee thanks. I'm already so pissed off at myself for losing so many damn marks for carelessness, and stupidity and nodding off during the damned thing.

it doesn't help today is valentine's day. a reminder that i'm unable to hold a relationship with the rest of the normal world. i hate it, i really hate it. i hate myself, that i'm so unfriendly and unsocialable that i can't even keep simple relationships with classmates. ya, i'm a bastard. too bad. somedays i just want to be mean and really hateful, say the most cynical snide things, be the jerk that they see me for, an asshole and put them down so bad. maybe i already am. that's why they stay away far far from me. it's always the same. i wonder if it'll ever change. i wonder if i'll ever change. where will i find acceptance?

what good am i for? can't score on paper, can't play sports, can't play games, can't hold friends..what good am i?

sometimes, a lot of times i wonder what would have happened if i went somewhere else, did something else, would it all be different, would i be accepted? then i think again, all these thoughts, the are so colourful, so lush, so green, so nice, yet the reek of a heavy stench, the foul path of escapism. sometimes it's just so hard to appreciate what i have here, now. i wonder why i suffer from all these damn problems.. i wonder where is the mask that i put on, or has it really become me?

so hard this life is.

sometimes i just want to crawl into a hole and be buried.
i wonder why i do it sometimes, i've lost my hold on life and now i'm being dragged through this ocean like a piece of fish upon a fishing line dragged through the current to the ruthless fisherman awaiting lunch. i could swim my own path, instead of being dragged through the life.
a foot hold, so i can enjoy life as it comes.. i wonder why it has to be so fast paced? life should be slow and sipped and savoured liked a good wine.

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit.

and it's filled with people who are filled with shit
and the vermin of the world inhabit it,
but not for long....

and you all should've watched.
if you haven't go now. they cut out scenes though, the singapore side that is. ): it could have been longer too, if they had used all the songs.

i think the most erie thing about the movie is that i watched without care of concern for the vicious killings. a classic revenge tragedy it was. as for the killings, the murder, there were no qualms, it was so...normal. do i have a serial killer in me?

while i highly doubt it, it's still dredging thought, i can watch hannibal and feel for the boy, despite his madness, i watched dexter and feel a connection with his inability to connect with society, his need for killing and violence, the mask which he puts on and hides his face. I do it too, it's an automatic response, when confronted with especially strangers, the small talk awakens, i laugh at their ill attempts at jokes and silly remarks and later i wonder why i did all that.

and i'm happy that this year i'm less dreadful of the day that love was commercialised and commodified. There's no Hweeyi to make me dread the day and be full of regret. Though i still wonder what i saw in here, that sparked a silly forest fire? yet, I'm sad, another year will go by, and i'll be trapped in another circle, no dinner on the night, no outing for me. a date with books is all i'll have most probably. maybe a miracle will happen who knows. for now i'll be looking for a candle holder and a good sandwiche.. we'll probably be at it the whole night...

twisted new year

i don't understand why i'm so emo this new year, i've just spent every free moment, breaking from hongbao collecting by surfing flickr. look through brilliant photos, looking for groups to join, hoping in vain for more people to look at my pictures. The other half of the free time spent on MSN pining for conversation. I must admit i'm feeling totally melancholic right now. i don't know why.

all the unkept promises. where's my run today, how bout my homework, revision. the computer is evil. i need to clearly get rid of it.
hanging on by a thread....

i hate you, my dear soul.

i'm so lost and frustrated... i want to go out and have fun and just be around the people i care for, but i can't find them anywhere. i wonder where they all disappeared to. they suddenly left me, and i hate this feeling, it erodes my soul, and destroys my core. I feel so vulnerable, so alone in this cage, with an unfulfilling cadge. the superficiality just eats me.

where did you go?

I wonder sometimes if i drown myself in all my hobbies to get rid of this feeling of loneliness. God is supposed to be here with me at all times, i'm told, i'm not supposed to be alone. I'm never alone. But yet i don't know, why i feel this way.. it's frustrating, why do i have to be the one with mental disorder, the one to have the asperger's and then be a very social creature.

I don't know why i'm complaining, He doesn't give us anything more than we can handle. It's just hard i want to run away sometimes.. just run and run and run. But there's no where i can hide, i'll just be alone, with no one in this world. Just God watching me from a far...

where will i go...?

pre-existent woes.

Hello world. No, i'm not dead yet. Though i have been miserably tired. I have had many things to tell you, but unfortunately never the energy to execute the previously mentioned ideas and issues.

essentially, another year has gone by, and once again i'm at the entrance the road called lent. A much dreaded path, because Lent is a season of sacrifice, or most commonly associated with sacrifice. It is a time of preparation, of discipline and almsgiving and a time for spiritual growth. And it is bloody hard. Around the world millions of ladies are planning to try and give up chocolate, or some men will try and not get drunk. i don't know, don't really care. I'm going to give up food, or rather i'm going to take up the lifestyle of simplicity.

The hard road of simplicity is difficult and harsh for someone like me, who thrives on complicated philosophical problems, and analysing rubbish everyday, and who loves good food. I loove good food, but lent is of time of discipline. I'm going to see what I can do, with my eyes closes, crawling along a line, with God behind me and see if I can finish this lent without breaking my diet. Which would essentially be porridge, bread and water or homecooked food. No resturants, no coke, no soft drinks no no.

Discipline, it's something so essential to balance my chaotic impulsive life. Something, i will reluctantly admit to lacking, in everything i do. I have integrity in life, but without discipline to enforce it, it means nothing. It's disappointing to me that I'm slipping back into my irresponsible ways of not handing up work on time and being late for school, which is 3 times in the last two weeks. All these unacceptable things. Discipline follows you around everywhere you go like the words of your nagging mother, you can't run away. It's the differences between the geniuses and the smart-asses who hang out at bars talking junk all day. It's what makes those muscle-bound warriors big and those fat idiots in the gyming trying to get big.

time to get mentally tough.

the other thing bugging me is bgr. ol' valentine's favorite topic. why do i think about it? i realize i don't really care for a relationship, i just want company, why do i love for a specific company? what is with humans seeking out one person to hang out with all the time, one specific person, it gets so boring...i guess. I wouldn't know. it wouldn't matter. I don't want to get attached, logically, it's a really bad time, in the midst of a major year, it's a huge risk to take. Yet another part of me longs for companionship. It seems so weird, so strange. why?

i have a lonely life. Another feburary, alone at home, in the books.