shot dead by the treehouse.

i hate my life, i'm so lost and so annoyed. nothing ever seems to work. either i'm greatly disillusioned or i'm so bloody useless. why? why am i so bloody useless. I can't manage time, i can't even get enough sleep so i don't fall asleep during my classes, though it wouldn't matter since i can't even pass them. I failed chem. This is the first time in the last one year that i have failed chem. i failed it, and rightfully so. i lacked the practice, it's always that. then the stupid teacher had to go and humiliate me in the front of the whole class, that i'm not getting enough brain food, i need brand's chicken essence, which she kindly whipped out of her a bag there and then. how thoughtful. gee thanks. I'm already so pissed off at myself for losing so many damn marks for carelessness, and stupidity and nodding off during the damned thing.

it doesn't help today is valentine's day. a reminder that i'm unable to hold a relationship with the rest of the normal world. i hate it, i really hate it. i hate myself, that i'm so unfriendly and unsocialable that i can't even keep simple relationships with classmates. ya, i'm a bastard. too bad. somedays i just want to be mean and really hateful, say the most cynical snide things, be the jerk that they see me for, an asshole and put them down so bad. maybe i already am. that's why they stay away far far from me. it's always the same. i wonder if it'll ever change. i wonder if i'll ever change. where will i find acceptance?

what good am i for? can't score on paper, can't play sports, can't play games, can't hold friends..what good am i?

sometimes, a lot of times i wonder what would have happened if i went somewhere else, did something else, would it all be different, would i be accepted? then i think again, all these thoughts, the are so colourful, so lush, so green, so nice, yet the reek of a heavy stench, the foul path of escapism. sometimes it's just so hard to appreciate what i have here, now. i wonder why i suffer from all these damn problems.. i wonder where is the mask that i put on, or has it really become me?