Saturday, April 26, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
a life without.
a random piece of consciousness.
here the world seems to charm the fragrance round the bend, into anonymity, hiding from the background, away from the paints and the brushes and the greens and reds and oranges. an apple from the tree, the doctor, he wouldn't see me. it lies ahead upon the starry bank, where eliot sat, next reid and a quarter of einstein. he believed in awesome relativity. so you look now for a time that is played backward here in your head, a sick boy alone in his bed, shivering the fever playing out its dread, bodyaches and dripping muscus membranes. coughing up blood ever you see it. and then i told him jim, jim i said, you can't place the slant in a bedroom wall's rant of many many things and the ever patient man told me that the world's just going to fall sideways in a transient dream anyway, better to focus the camera in on a dream, away from the skulls, in iraq's sideways gleam. that's all very right and well but what about the ziijah and the telesect away from here where they would play. almost certain the doom and gloom write away from all the flagrant thoughts that add the fire and make them walk all crooked and stiff, down the wrong alley into bankman's palace. jim oh jim where did you go today? we sat living a dream in the living room floor, lee's pizza on the sofa, half eaten, a fetid attempt to consumer the world, flattened into 8 slices and a junk of pepperoni induces some calm nightmares of the world the sea in temperate. she walked on by, down by the beaches the world passed and the shadows hid from her last glance, her eyes, such a pretty treasure, as her eyes, they took themselves and wondered the world in wandering, this ennuay where the evening sat so filled with a lobster and champaign at that. i can't find the world again, not since the last time it blew up in my face, a lesson unlearned, it followed the sun round and round and and the place where it was last seen collided together in a some far of dream....
here the world seems to charm the fragrance round the bend, into anonymity, hiding from the background, away from the paints and the brushes and the greens and reds and oranges. an apple from the tree, the doctor, he wouldn't see me. it lies ahead upon the starry bank, where eliot sat, next reid and a quarter of einstein. he believed in awesome relativity. so you look now for a time that is played backward here in your head, a sick boy alone in his bed, shivering the fever playing out its dread, bodyaches and dripping muscus membranes. coughing up blood ever you see it. and then i told him jim, jim i said, you can't place the slant in a bedroom wall's rant of many many things and the ever patient man told me that the world's just going to fall sideways in a transient dream anyway, better to focus the camera in on a dream, away from the skulls, in iraq's sideways gleam. that's all very right and well but what about the ziijah and the telesect away from here where they would play. almost certain the doom and gloom write away from all the flagrant thoughts that add the fire and make them walk all crooked and stiff, down the wrong alley into bankman's palace. jim oh jim where did you go today? we sat living a dream in the living room floor, lee's pizza on the sofa, half eaten, a fetid attempt to consumer the world, flattened into 8 slices and a junk of pepperoni induces some calm nightmares of the world the sea in temperate. she walked on by, down by the beaches the world passed and the shadows hid from her last glance, her eyes, such a pretty treasure, as her eyes, they took themselves and wondered the world in wandering, this ennuay where the evening sat so filled with a lobster and champaign at that. i can't find the world again, not since the last time it blew up in my face, a lesson unlearned, it followed the sun round and round and and the place where it was last seen collided together in a some far of dream....
Sunday, April 20, 2008
one year gone.
it's been one year old man,
since you left us bereaved.
walked your way up those white steps
to heaven's great relief.
a life lived long and hard,
you deserved the rest.
so so long ago, it seemed
like the beginning of the end.
a time that evils teemed
of lost ways and forgotten understandings.
why did you have to go?
oh i miss you so...
i hear in my heart, your voice
the deep hearty voice
that boomed on nonsense of lewis carol,
of walruses and carpenters,
of stories far and distant,
of the laughter that arose.
replayed in eidetic.
you watch over us at night,
i feel you behind me ever peering,
ever watching, like before
when i was small
and i'd fall
and upon your shoulders you raised me
to see the world.
i will be home soon.
since you left us bereaved.
walked your way up those white steps
to heaven's great relief.
a life lived long and hard,
you deserved the rest.
so so long ago, it seemed
like the beginning of the end.
a time that evils teemed
of lost ways and forgotten understandings.
why did you have to go?
oh i miss you so...
i hear in my heart, your voice
the deep hearty voice
that boomed on nonsense of lewis carol,
of walruses and carpenters,
of stories far and distant,
of the laughter that arose.
replayed in eidetic.
you watch over us at night,
i feel you behind me ever peering,
ever watching, like before
when i was small
and i'd fall
and upon your shoulders you raised me
to see the world.
i will be home soon.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Leaving New York
REM
it's quiet now
and what it brings
is everything
comes calling back
a brilliant night
I'm still awake
I looked ahead
I'm sure I saw you there
you don't need me
to tell you now
that nothing can compare
you might have laughed if I told you
you might have hidden a frown.
you might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around.
it's easier to leave
than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud.
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
now life is sweet
and what it brings
I try to take
but loneliness
it wears me out
it lies in wait
and all not lost
still in my eye,
the shadow of necklace
across your thigh, I might've lived my life in a
dream but I swear it.
this is real.
memory fuses
and shatters like glass,
mercurial future, forget the past
it's you
it's what I feel
you might have laughed if I told you
you might have hidden a frown.
you might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around.
it's easier to leave
than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud.
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
you find it in your heart,
it's pulling me apart,
you find it in your heart, change
I told you, forever
I love you forever.
I told you i love you
I love you forever
you never, you never
you told me forever...
you might have laughed if I told you
you might have hidden a frown.
you might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around.
it's easier to leave
than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud.
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
REM
it's quiet now
and what it brings
is everything
comes calling back
a brilliant night
I'm still awake
I looked ahead
I'm sure I saw you there
you don't need me
to tell you now
that nothing can compare
you might have laughed if I told you
you might have hidden a frown.
you might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around.
it's easier to leave
than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud.
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
now life is sweet
and what it brings
I try to take
but loneliness
it wears me out
it lies in wait
and all not lost
still in my eye,
the shadow of necklace
across your thigh, I might've lived my life in a
dream but I swear it.
this is real.
memory fuses
and shatters like glass,
mercurial future, forget the past
it's you
it's what I feel
you might have laughed if I told you
you might have hidden a frown.
you might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around.
it's easier to leave
than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud.
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
you find it in your heart,
it's pulling me apart,
you find it in your heart, change
I told you, forever
I love you forever.
I told you i love you
I love you forever
you never, you never
you told me forever...
you might have laughed if I told you
you might have hidden a frown.
you might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around.
it's easier to leave
than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud.
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
Monday, March 31, 2008
funorama
it is the most boring carnival i ever attended. That's probably because none of you, my dear friends turned up to hang out with me. I mean you and you and YES YOU! bloody bastards, all last minute cancel ):. Well it had its moments.
the usual funorama, equipped with 3 of the haunted houses that would make the most boring of ghosts bored. Lots of good food, and many games which i couldn't be bothered to play because....well because i didn't feel like trying to win any games. THERE WAS TANDOORI CHICKEN!!! and really nice lasagne which i couldn't afford. There was also a cow which was roasted before my very eyes. Well actually i hoisted it up onto the machine thingy. Really interesting, the guy, who did the roasting, roasts meat for a hobby for the swiss club. He also manages a restaurant called Stewhaus. Really nice food. Apparently the 150kg calf is air flown from austrailia, where it has to be marinated (spice rub) for a whole day, then roasted for 10 hours. Too bad the head was left in austrailia, it would have made for a more interested picture than just the decapitated neck.
In order for the meat to be ready at opening time, it had to be roasted the night before. If you do the math, you would realize that it would be about 1am when the roasted the thing. Which would beg the question why the fuck was I at school at 1am. Well i was doing security duty. The most boring thing ever, walk around a school so empty that mas selamat wouldn't even bother to sleep in, though he might have been from saints or disgusting green people... It was really empty, and dark, and really really a big waste of time. 3hr shifts with a 10 minute routine, but i did get to hoist a calf onto a spindle, and i got invited to hoist a 300kg cow onto a spindle at oktoberfest. Woot. Plus pancakes for breakkies. Double WOOT!
though i think the most sad part of the day was the end. I was getting bad underwear abraisions and i had to do clean up duty. I wish I'd never had agreed. I didn't know it was clearing the trash that other people cleared. That's right emptying the dumpsters into the open top containers. That seems easy you say. Every dumpster that we emptied, had brown liquid spew from it's insides down the container like a water fall. Not to mention, we had to climb inside the damn thing in order to empty the containers. This was all done while some morons came around to lob bags of trash onto our heads. They got well screamed at.
You'd be amazed at the stuff people throw away. A whole box of unused AA batteries! NICE...prized not won and food unsold. Then there was the amount of bags that burst with the contends coming right out at us. In the end a technique was experimented with successfully in disposing of rubbish. The six of us, Haiyuan, naveen, kester, tak jian, me and another guy. We used the edge of the dumpster as leverage to topple the dumpster all the way into the container, before emptying it and lobbing off the side. Great success....that is until many many more dumpsters started to show up. Needless to say, we all threw our sneakers away at the end.
the usual funorama, equipped with 3 of the haunted houses that would make the most boring of ghosts bored. Lots of good food, and many games which i couldn't be bothered to play because....well because i didn't feel like trying to win any games. THERE WAS TANDOORI CHICKEN!!! and really nice lasagne which i couldn't afford. There was also a cow which was roasted before my very eyes. Well actually i hoisted it up onto the machine thingy. Really interesting, the guy, who did the roasting, roasts meat for a hobby for the swiss club. He also manages a restaurant called Stewhaus. Really nice food. Apparently the 150kg calf is air flown from austrailia, where it has to be marinated (spice rub) for a whole day, then roasted for 10 hours. Too bad the head was left in austrailia, it would have made for a more interested picture than just the decapitated neck.
In order for the meat to be ready at opening time, it had to be roasted the night before. If you do the math, you would realize that it would be about 1am when the roasted the thing. Which would beg the question why the fuck was I at school at 1am. Well i was doing security duty. The most boring thing ever, walk around a school so empty that mas selamat wouldn't even bother to sleep in, though he might have been from saints or disgusting green people... It was really empty, and dark, and really really a big waste of time. 3hr shifts with a 10 minute routine, but i did get to hoist a calf onto a spindle, and i got invited to hoist a 300kg cow onto a spindle at oktoberfest. Woot. Plus pancakes for breakkies. Double WOOT!
though i think the most sad part of the day was the end. I was getting bad underwear abraisions and i had to do clean up duty. I wish I'd never had agreed. I didn't know it was clearing the trash that other people cleared. That's right emptying the dumpsters into the open top containers. That seems easy you say. Every dumpster that we emptied, had brown liquid spew from it's insides down the container like a water fall. Not to mention, we had to climb inside the damn thing in order to empty the containers. This was all done while some morons came around to lob bags of trash onto our heads. They got well screamed at.
You'd be amazed at the stuff people throw away. A whole box of unused AA batteries! NICE...prized not won and food unsold. Then there was the amount of bags that burst with the contends coming right out at us. In the end a technique was experimented with successfully in disposing of rubbish. The six of us, Haiyuan, naveen, kester, tak jian, me and another guy. We used the edge of the dumpster as leverage to topple the dumpster all the way into the container, before emptying it and lobbing off the side. Great success....that is until many many more dumpsters started to show up. Needless to say, we all threw our sneakers away at the end.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
I WANT KATONG LAKSA.
yes quite badly too...
it pines for me everytime i visit Queensway to buy whatever. Today's venture was to replace my poor nalgene bottle which i left in a cab, for the second time. You know my trademark blue fishing bottle? ya that one.
Anyway, there i was walking around level one, looking for the camping shop that sells the bottles, and i past the laksa place, and the aromas just hit me, and then, the that bottled up desire started to rise. OH man! Alas and alack, i cannot eat laksa for another two months ): I think it'll be one of the first things i'll eat once season is over, which will be soon. And when we win, i'll take my medal and go and enjoy some katong laksa.
put oh, the dieting annoyances of season. blah. i wish i was like slim.. and with a monster of a metabolic system. Of course i have one.. just you know a better one.
it pines for me everytime i visit Queensway to buy whatever. Today's venture was to replace my poor nalgene bottle which i left in a cab, for the second time. You know my trademark blue fishing bottle? ya that one.
Anyway, there i was walking around level one, looking for the camping shop that sells the bottles, and i past the laksa place, and the aromas just hit me, and then, the that bottled up desire started to rise. OH man! Alas and alack, i cannot eat laksa for another two months ): I think it'll be one of the first things i'll eat once season is over, which will be soon. And when we win, i'll take my medal and go and enjoy some katong laksa.
put oh, the dieting annoyances of season. blah. i wish i was like slim.. and with a monster of a metabolic system. Of course i have one.. just you know a better one.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson
I really this quote. Often we view ourselves with such a low image that we need to bend down just to see it, discrediting our talents and abilities, our God-given talents and abilities, we constantly bury them in the sand like the third worker who felt his ability was not up to standard. God isn't too happy about that though, after all, if these talents did come from him, they cannot be bad, they can only be good, since after all God is infinite goodness, and we are his children, his creations.
When we doubt our abilities, we are not just hurting the one who gave them to us, but we are also hurting ourselves because we will never actually witness the power of our potential. It will forever remain exactly as that, potential. Since when you do something with the goal of failing in mind, you will definitely reach that goal. After all, failing is a rather easy goal to achieve, it is simple and tempts with laziness. where we could have done ten questions for example, we do 5 instead, citing inability as the excuse for our failings, knowing full well that this is not true.
When we do anything in life, time only offers you one opportunity. Anyone who tells you otherwise is misinformed. For the window for that opportunity to archieve or complete or partake in it in that timeframe and period with those people, or circumstances only comes once in your life. This is simply since time while a relative concept, happens to flow only in one direction. We can never go back to it. A wise priest named Fr. Keane, once told me: Why live in the past? it is over, you do not exist there. Why live in the future? it has not began yet. But you exist in the present, here and now. So you should make the best of it and live. CS Lewis too argues this in his Screwtape Letters, citing that the past is a solid concept, it is over and cannot be changed. The future is fluid, changeable, wieldable, malleable, it is full of infinite possiblity and that is where the devil might now tempt us. After all it is full of success, scary success and that is where we fall. We fail becuase we are scared to achieve such glory, we are scared of becoming that person.
Inasmuch as we are afraid to succeed, we will surely fail. After all that is the logical goal. And this fear of success can be seen in all our lives. We are scared to know God more, because we are scared of who we will become, we are scared to achieve are dreams, because we will become someone that is beyond our current idea of ourselves. And this fear is stemmed from risk. We are putting ourselves at risk the minute we decide to achieve our goals, we are making ourselves vulnerable to forces beyond our control, we have left the coach and tv and actually gone out into the world. We have just left our comfort zone. However, we know we are not alone, for God will never give us a task so daunting and so difficult that we will not be able to achieve it, for he only gives us what we are capable of. It is because of this that we know we will have a companion always on the journey, for God is always with us and he is the almighty and all powerful, so we should trust in him. After all, Jesus said 'For humans it is impossible, but with God all things are possible' (matt. 19:26)
In the end, we have no excuse not to succeed in life and give God the glory with the talents he has bestowed upon us, save the ones that we create and give ourselves. So what have you done to best use your talents?
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson
I really this quote. Often we view ourselves with such a low image that we need to bend down just to see it, discrediting our talents and abilities, our God-given talents and abilities, we constantly bury them in the sand like the third worker who felt his ability was not up to standard. God isn't too happy about that though, after all, if these talents did come from him, they cannot be bad, they can only be good, since after all God is infinite goodness, and we are his children, his creations.
When we doubt our abilities, we are not just hurting the one who gave them to us, but we are also hurting ourselves because we will never actually witness the power of our potential. It will forever remain exactly as that, potential. Since when you do something with the goal of failing in mind, you will definitely reach that goal. After all, failing is a rather easy goal to achieve, it is simple and tempts with laziness. where we could have done ten questions for example, we do 5 instead, citing inability as the excuse for our failings, knowing full well that this is not true.
When we do anything in life, time only offers you one opportunity. Anyone who tells you otherwise is misinformed. For the window for that opportunity to archieve or complete or partake in it in that timeframe and period with those people, or circumstances only comes once in your life. This is simply since time while a relative concept, happens to flow only in one direction. We can never go back to it. A wise priest named Fr. Keane, once told me: Why live in the past? it is over, you do not exist there. Why live in the future? it has not began yet. But you exist in the present, here and now. So you should make the best of it and live. CS Lewis too argues this in his Screwtape Letters, citing that the past is a solid concept, it is over and cannot be changed. The future is fluid, changeable, wieldable, malleable, it is full of infinite possiblity and that is where the devil might now tempt us. After all it is full of success, scary success and that is where we fall. We fail becuase we are scared to achieve such glory, we are scared of becoming that person.
Inasmuch as we are afraid to succeed, we will surely fail. After all that is the logical goal. And this fear of success can be seen in all our lives. We are scared to know God more, because we are scared of who we will become, we are scared to achieve are dreams, because we will become someone that is beyond our current idea of ourselves. And this fear is stemmed from risk. We are putting ourselves at risk the minute we decide to achieve our goals, we are making ourselves vulnerable to forces beyond our control, we have left the coach and tv and actually gone out into the world. We have just left our comfort zone. However, we know we are not alone, for God will never give us a task so daunting and so difficult that we will not be able to achieve it, for he only gives us what we are capable of. It is because of this that we know we will have a companion always on the journey, for God is always with us and he is the almighty and all powerful, so we should trust in him. After all, Jesus said 'For humans it is impossible, but with God all things are possible' (matt. 19:26)
In the end, we have no excuse not to succeed in life and give God the glory with the talents he has bestowed upon us, save the ones that we create and give ourselves. So what have you done to best use your talents?
Monday, March 03, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
sa·cred [sey-krid]
–adjective 1. devoted or dedicated to a deity or to some religious purpose; consecrated.
2. entitled to veneration or religious respect by association with divinity or divine things; holy.
3. pertaining to or connected with religion (opposed to secular or profane): sacred music; sacred books.
4. reverently dedicated to some person, purpose, or object: a morning hour sacred to study.
5. regarded with reverence: the sacred memory of a dead hero.
6. secured against violation, infringement, etc., as by reverence or sense of right: sacred oaths; sacred rights.
7. properly immune from violence, interference, etc., as a person or office
of all the words for that could have stumped me in vocab, it had to be the one which is used almost in daily life. 3 days till math. i can get a B. i just need to finish all the questions. ):
–adjective 1. devoted or dedicated to a deity or to some religious purpose; consecrated.
2. entitled to veneration or religious respect by association with divinity or divine things; holy.
3. pertaining to or connected with religion (opposed to secular or profane): sacred music; sacred books.
4. reverently dedicated to some person, purpose, or object: a morning hour sacred to study.
5. regarded with reverence: the sacred memory of a dead hero.
6. secured against violation, infringement, etc., as by reverence or sense of right: sacred oaths; sacred rights.
7. properly immune from violence, interference, etc., as a person or office
of all the words for that could have stumped me in vocab, it had to be the one which is used almost in daily life. 3 days till math. i can get a B. i just need to finish all the questions. ):
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
we'll come back and you'll taste your blood.
21-18
you might have won this time by a damn cheap last minute try, but i guarrantee we'll back and next time it'll be worst. Hope you feel lucky today punks.
in other news, today was the first day that the j1 babies trashed their colours of benniton and donned the supreme colours of anglo-chinese junior college. i must say they looked so mature and smart in their new uniforms. i'm sure kelvyna told them that too. i wouldn't know, i missed assembly and many periods ):.
sigh i feel so old. and i was enjoying the colour. oh well.
you might have won this time by a damn cheap last minute try, but i guarrantee we'll back and next time it'll be worst. Hope you feel lucky today punks.
in other news, today was the first day that the j1 babies trashed their colours of benniton and donned the supreme colours of anglo-chinese junior college. i must say they looked so mature and smart in their new uniforms. i'm sure kelvyna told them that too. i wouldn't know, i missed assembly and many periods ):.
sigh i feel so old. and i was enjoying the colour. oh well.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
tired world.
so unfit, so tired, so uninspired.
sometimes i wonder how i pull through, everytime i keep wasting my time doing things online, when i should be mugging, every single minute. yet, i'm talking to friends, checking out facebook and stuff.
terms are coming, just around the corner, hiding, lying in wait. i know it's there, that's the best part, it's an easy kill, yet i'm not working towards it. it should be no problem for me to get a B grade average, but i don't feel i'm doing enough work, i don't feel there's enough time to practice. i wish i could just pon school the whole week and study at home, but that won't help much, plus i won't get to play ib on wed. blah..
mugmugmug
sometimes i wonder how i pull through, everytime i keep wasting my time doing things online, when i should be mugging, every single minute. yet, i'm talking to friends, checking out facebook and stuff.
terms are coming, just around the corner, hiding, lying in wait. i know it's there, that's the best part, it's an easy kill, yet i'm not working towards it. it should be no problem for me to get a B grade average, but i don't feel i'm doing enough work, i don't feel there's enough time to practice. i wish i could just pon school the whole week and study at home, but that won't help much, plus i won't get to play ib on wed. blah..
mugmugmug
Friday, February 22, 2008
life.
day in day out,
a trek through the wilderness
of life, threaded without sign or clue.
lost in the very heads of maybe or if,
the very thoughts strain their myths,
like surreal dreams they dance and play,
beyond blurry darkness, they lift
the mood, making it gay.
of course for the thought to count,
the nightmare must return to sea,
sunk'd and buried, stiff and blunted
and inaccessible to thee.
yet, the nightmare is real.
it is reality,
the dream can only fade...
so day in day out,
a mask is worn on the journey,
it protects the scars from further harm,
the wearer from the gourney,
from the fluid that embalms.
he becomes cold and distant,
it is the mask he wears.
misunderstood and forgotten, a silent war is there,
and the weight of his world he bears.
a tear falls down his cheek,
first of many like rain will fall,
all hidden by his great mask.
will they ever see in at all?
a trek through the wilderness
of life, threaded without sign or clue.
lost in the very heads of maybe or if,
the very thoughts strain their myths,
like surreal dreams they dance and play,
beyond blurry darkness, they lift
the mood, making it gay.
of course for the thought to count,
the nightmare must return to sea,
sunk'd and buried, stiff and blunted
and inaccessible to thee.
yet, the nightmare is real.
it is reality,
the dream can only fade...
so day in day out,
a mask is worn on the journey,
it protects the scars from further harm,
the wearer from the gourney,
from the fluid that embalms.
he becomes cold and distant,
it is the mask he wears.
misunderstood and forgotten, a silent war is there,
and the weight of his world he bears.
a tear falls down his cheek,
first of many like rain will fall,
all hidden by his great mask.
will they ever see in at all?
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Pain
Three Day's Grace
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain
Three Day's Grace
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain
i hate having AS
i just realized it. it's like someone suddenly flicked on the light bulb and went BLAM! haha. you suck.
i know why how my crushes develop, i don't know if it's a good thing, but it certainly is annoying, and it all stems from having an abnormal brain. the same one that doesn't let me go to sleep at night and keeps me analysing things until my brain fries, the one that won't let me have friend
like i've said before, all crushes start from a thought, a thought which is then explored, and toyed with more and more, and blam before you know it, you're hooked. Now for my case, imagine that your mind is forever thinking, connecting, linking, playing, manipulating, imagining. Then throw in the thought about a girl who more or less fits your mind's idea of an appealing, then hit the overdrive button. and ta-da, 9 month crush on a girl i don't know, and with whom my chances are screwed. This is the same story with Frances.
it is so sad. I hate being locked up in my head, being ostracised for just being me, discriminated for being different and weird, and unable to persue proper relationships with other people who fail to intellectually stimulate me. Which is more or less 95% of the world out there. I thrive during educational discussion because i love the stimulation, and it's so with a lot of other aspies out there. yet i can't talk about boring things, mundane, unnecessary, redundant things.
why?
i know why how my crushes develop, i don't know if it's a good thing, but it certainly is annoying, and it all stems from having an abnormal brain. the same one that doesn't let me go to sleep at night and keeps me analysing things until my brain fries, the one that won't let me have friend
like i've said before, all crushes start from a thought, a thought which is then explored, and toyed with more and more, and blam before you know it, you're hooked. Now for my case, imagine that your mind is forever thinking, connecting, linking, playing, manipulating, imagining. Then throw in the thought about a girl who more or less fits your mind's idea of an appealing, then hit the overdrive button. and ta-da, 9 month crush on a girl i don't know, and with whom my chances are screwed. This is the same story with Frances.
it is so sad. I hate being locked up in my head, being ostracised for just being me, discriminated for being different and weird, and unable to persue proper relationships with other people who fail to intellectually stimulate me. Which is more or less 95% of the world out there. I thrive during educational discussion because i love the stimulation, and it's so with a lot of other aspies out there. yet i can't talk about boring things, mundane, unnecessary, redundant things.
why?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
A Kenotic Moment.
I sit here again, a year gone by.
As though I were frozen in time,
caught in dereliction.
the dead rose withered by my feet,
red blackened petals like shattered sheets
amid the hues of the sunset speak
troubled troubled times,
here this red sky in the morning,
a clear warning.
the little giant girl, she took her leave,
now along the trails, amidst the reefs,
her story story sunken to the depths of the sea
her eyes, her precious eyes,
a cadged glow withered now, so silently.
along the ridge, the fishes swim,
they are old and weary, thin and dreary
a beggar would pass this off (wouldn't take it on a limb)
this idea grows cold.
long and forgot, it beckons not
the lost and the thought
falters stops and dies.
i have no more energy to seek this chase,
a hope grows so shallow,
(a thin thread to hang onto)
here the accursed grey box grows heavy,
so apt proportionately abnormal,
it was charged no levy
to enter the world,
this curse of kenosis.
in the shadow of friends. (do i spend enough time?)
the world holds persistant its stance.
oh accursed me.
all the wrong i have done,
all subconsciously, all unknown,
no recompense can be given knowingly.
i want to change. (rid myself of me)
so tacitly, in turn so desperately,
yet the wait holds out like wolves in winter.
the snow covers all identity.
it's all grey.
As though I were frozen in time,
caught in dereliction.
the dead rose withered by my feet,
red blackened petals like shattered sheets
amid the hues of the sunset speak
troubled troubled times,
here this red sky in the morning,
a clear warning.
the little giant girl, she took her leave,
now along the trails, amidst the reefs,
her story story sunken to the depths of the sea
her eyes, her precious eyes,
a cadged glow withered now, so silently.
along the ridge, the fishes swim,
they are old and weary, thin and dreary
a beggar would pass this off (wouldn't take it on a limb)
this idea grows cold.
long and forgot, it beckons not
the lost and the thought
falters stops and dies.
i have no more energy to seek this chase,
a hope grows so shallow,
(a thin thread to hang onto)
here the accursed grey box grows heavy,
so apt proportionately abnormal,
it was charged no levy
to enter the world,
this curse of kenosis.
in the shadow of friends. (do i spend enough time?)
the world holds persistant its stance.
oh accursed me.
all the wrong i have done,
all subconsciously, all unknown,
no recompense can be given knowingly.
i want to change. (rid myself of me)
so tacitly, in turn so desperately,
yet the wait holds out like wolves in winter.
the snow covers all identity.
it's all grey.
Friday, February 15, 2008
shot dead by the treehouse.
i hate my life, i'm so lost and so annoyed. nothing ever seems to work. either i'm greatly disillusioned or i'm so bloody useless. why? why am i so bloody useless. I can't manage time, i can't even get enough sleep so i don't fall asleep during my classes, though it wouldn't matter since i can't even pass them. I failed chem. This is the first time in the last one year that i have failed chem. i failed it, and rightfully so. i lacked the practice, it's always that. then the stupid teacher had to go and humiliate me in the front of the whole class, that i'm not getting enough brain food, i need brand's chicken essence, which she kindly whipped out of her a bag there and then. how thoughtful. gee thanks. I'm already so pissed off at myself for losing so many damn marks for carelessness, and stupidity and nodding off during the damned thing.
it doesn't help today is valentine's day. a reminder that i'm unable to hold a relationship with the rest of the normal world. i hate it, i really hate it. i hate myself, that i'm so unfriendly and unsocialable that i can't even keep simple relationships with classmates. ya, i'm a bastard. too bad. somedays i just want to be mean and really hateful, say the most cynical snide things, be the jerk that they see me for, an asshole and put them down so bad. maybe i already am. that's why they stay away far far from me. it's always the same. i wonder if it'll ever change. i wonder if i'll ever change. where will i find acceptance?
what good am i for? can't score on paper, can't play sports, can't play games, can't hold friends..what good am i?
sometimes, a lot of times i wonder what would have happened if i went somewhere else, did something else, would it all be different, would i be accepted? then i think again, all these thoughts, the are so colourful, so lush, so green, so nice, yet the reek of a heavy stench, the foul path of escapism. sometimes it's just so hard to appreciate what i have here, now. i wonder why i suffer from all these damn problems.. i wonder where is the mask that i put on, or has it really become me?
it doesn't help today is valentine's day. a reminder that i'm unable to hold a relationship with the rest of the normal world. i hate it, i really hate it. i hate myself, that i'm so unfriendly and unsocialable that i can't even keep simple relationships with classmates. ya, i'm a bastard. too bad. somedays i just want to be mean and really hateful, say the most cynical snide things, be the jerk that they see me for, an asshole and put them down so bad. maybe i already am. that's why they stay away far far from me. it's always the same. i wonder if it'll ever change. i wonder if i'll ever change. where will i find acceptance?
what good am i for? can't score on paper, can't play sports, can't play games, can't hold friends..what good am i?
sometimes, a lot of times i wonder what would have happened if i went somewhere else, did something else, would it all be different, would i be accepted? then i think again, all these thoughts, the are so colourful, so lush, so green, so nice, yet the reek of a heavy stench, the foul path of escapism. sometimes it's just so hard to appreciate what i have here, now. i wonder why i suffer from all these damn problems.. i wonder where is the mask that i put on, or has it really become me?
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
so hard this life is.
sometimes i just want to crawl into a hole and be buried.
i wonder why i do it sometimes, i've lost my hold on life and now i'm being dragged through this ocean like a piece of fish upon a fishing line dragged through the current to the ruthless fisherman awaiting lunch. i could swim my own path, instead of being dragged through the life.
a foot hold, so i can enjoy life as it comes.. i wonder why it has to be so fast paced? life should be slow and sipped and savoured liked a good wine.
i wonder why i do it sometimes, i've lost my hold on life and now i'm being dragged through this ocean like a piece of fish upon a fishing line dragged through the current to the ruthless fisherman awaiting lunch. i could swim my own path, instead of being dragged through the life.
a foot hold, so i can enjoy life as it comes.. i wonder why it has to be so fast paced? life should be slow and sipped and savoured liked a good wine.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit.
and it's filled with people who are filled with shit
and the vermin of the world inhabit it,
but not for long....
and you all should've watched.
if you haven't go now. they cut out scenes though, the singapore side that is. ): it could have been longer too, if they had used all the songs.
i think the most erie thing about the movie is that i watched without care of concern for the vicious killings. a classic revenge tragedy it was. as for the killings, the murder, there were no qualms, it was so...normal. do i have a serial killer in me?
while i highly doubt it, it's still dredging thought, i can watch hannibal and feel for the boy, despite his madness, i watched dexter and feel a connection with his inability to connect with society, his need for killing and violence, the mask which he puts on and hides his face. I do it too, it's an automatic response, when confronted with especially strangers, the small talk awakens, i laugh at their ill attempts at jokes and silly remarks and later i wonder why i did all that.
and i'm happy that this year i'm less dreadful of the day that love was commercialised and commodified. There's no Hweeyi to make me dread the day and be full of regret. Though i still wonder what i saw in here, that sparked a silly forest fire? yet, I'm sad, another year will go by, and i'll be trapped in another circle, no dinner on the night, no outing for me. a date with books is all i'll have most probably. maybe a miracle will happen who knows. for now i'll be looking for a candle holder and a good sandwiche.. we'll probably be at it the whole night...
and the vermin of the world inhabit it,
but not for long....
and you all should've watched.
if you haven't go now. they cut out scenes though, the singapore side that is. ): it could have been longer too, if they had used all the songs.
i think the most erie thing about the movie is that i watched without care of concern for the vicious killings. a classic revenge tragedy it was. as for the killings, the murder, there were no qualms, it was so...normal. do i have a serial killer in me?
while i highly doubt it, it's still dredging thought, i can watch hannibal and feel for the boy, despite his madness, i watched dexter and feel a connection with his inability to connect with society, his need for killing and violence, the mask which he puts on and hides his face. I do it too, it's an automatic response, when confronted with especially strangers, the small talk awakens, i laugh at their ill attempts at jokes and silly remarks and later i wonder why i did all that.
and i'm happy that this year i'm less dreadful of the day that love was commercialised and commodified. There's no Hweeyi to make me dread the day and be full of regret. Though i still wonder what i saw in here, that sparked a silly forest fire? yet, I'm sad, another year will go by, and i'll be trapped in another circle, no dinner on the night, no outing for me. a date with books is all i'll have most probably. maybe a miracle will happen who knows. for now i'll be looking for a candle holder and a good sandwiche.. we'll probably be at it the whole night...
Thursday, February 07, 2008
twisted new year
i don't understand why i'm so emo this new year, i've just spent every free moment, breaking from hongbao collecting by surfing flickr. look through brilliant photos, looking for groups to join, hoping in vain for more people to look at my pictures. The other half of the free time spent on MSN pining for conversation. I must admit i'm feeling totally melancholic right now. i don't know why.
all the unkept promises. where's my run today, how bout my homework, revision. the computer is evil. i need to clearly get rid of it.
hanging on by a thread....
all the unkept promises. where's my run today, how bout my homework, revision. the computer is evil. i need to clearly get rid of it.
hanging on by a thread....
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
i hate you, my dear soul.
i'm so lost and frustrated... i want to go out and have fun and just be around the people i care for, but i can't find them anywhere. i wonder where they all disappeared to. they suddenly left me, and i hate this feeling, it erodes my soul, and destroys my core. I feel so vulnerable, so alone in this cage, with an unfulfilling cadge. the superficiality just eats me.
where did you go?
I wonder sometimes if i drown myself in all my hobbies to get rid of this feeling of loneliness. God is supposed to be here with me at all times, i'm told, i'm not supposed to be alone. I'm never alone. But yet i don't know, why i feel this way.. it's frustrating, why do i have to be the one with mental disorder, the one to have the asperger's and then be a very social creature.
I don't know why i'm complaining, He doesn't give us anything more than we can handle. It's just hard i want to run away sometimes.. just run and run and run. But there's no where i can hide, i'll just be alone, with no one in this world. Just God watching me from a far...
where will i go...?
where did you go?
I wonder sometimes if i drown myself in all my hobbies to get rid of this feeling of loneliness. God is supposed to be here with me at all times, i'm told, i'm not supposed to be alone. I'm never alone. But yet i don't know, why i feel this way.. it's frustrating, why do i have to be the one with mental disorder, the one to have the asperger's and then be a very social creature.
I don't know why i'm complaining, He doesn't give us anything more than we can handle. It's just hard i want to run away sometimes.. just run and run and run. But there's no where i can hide, i'll just be alone, with no one in this world. Just God watching me from a far...
where will i go...?
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