photographic insanity.

i have just spent the better part of 2 days and nights researching cameras and photography material. geez louise. i stayed up all night reading up on my beloved D3! as well some himalayan medical problems you might encounted at high altitudes. high altitude pulmonary edema anyone? or third degree frostbite..

let the impulsivity begin! i actually am tolerating thoughts of a possible explorational in the world of mounteering, take it up through the year, cimb k2 after As, enter into NS as an icecube. though that might not be possible thanks to the moonsoon season and blistering snow storms. apparently peek everest traffic is during may, when moonsoon season is gone. of course all these ideas which result in delusions of grandeur, also result in bills of grandeur, which result in solutions of grandeur. while you get the point. i had this bright idea that maybe i could find a scientific exploration team heading up to everest peak or something, and tag along as the photographer's intern(and pray to the lord, nikon sponsored them with D3s.. canons are icky)

omt all my delusions somehow have photography in it. i'm going insane, i found my dad's old f-801, the camera i was nurtured on. think camwhoring before it was hip. still has seven exposures left in it. i wonder how old the film is? it's like scary to think that i haven't used it since sec 4 or so and i know it's a kodak iso100 film. david loves his iso100. and i was only looking through the dry box for a prime lense or something. i really don't mind moving back into manual photography or film. i love the focusing on the subject and not the camera. i admit it's cool to preview your photos, but there's no point really, since on stupid 1.5" screen i can't see anything and everything appears darker than it usually is. oh photo-bable-ness. what am i going to do.

i have made approximate estimations to GUESTIMATE(it's a real word folks) how much a D3 will cost me.
roughly $11,000. beat that! my dream alienware computer didn't even come close to that.(try it, go to www.alienware.com and customize your computer to the way you want it)
D3 body, $7500 smackers.
3 new 8gb sandisk extreme IV cards 900 thereabouts. nothing beats sandisk for CF, the d3 has a dual cf slot, so one cf's gotta have company..
2 or 3 new lenses. a 50mm prime and the new 24-70 sounds good costing many monies. camera is full frame after all.. my d70kit lense is dx and won't work it...very well.
a new harddrive. at least 320gb ext. $150 i heard.
portable camera harddrive. the damn thing guzzles megabytes like irish do guiness. i read somewhere each raw file is huge at least 8 times the size of my current files. and i only have 20gb left on my damn comp..
and i might as well throw in a imac. imaging goodness.

or i could just spend half the price and get into the film medium format biz.. that's another option medium format film is more or less 50megapixels, and more worth it for the type of work i like to do, portraits and abstract stills. not sports. though it fails in flexibility for spontaneity required for spur of the moment portraits or wildlife. it's a studio camera. duh. dad i want a medium format hasselblad. i gonna get smacked.

for all of you who have no clue of what i speak/type. head down to plaza singapura, check level 3 or 4, they have medium format camera shop there. if i'm not wrong, my iedetic memory says they have quite a good display of what looks likes mamiya cameras. you'll never afford one but do take a look. they have a few hasselblads too. many many thousands of dollars. but hey, you gotta spend money to spend more money after all. look at doctors, operating theatres don't come cheap and neither do scapels, clamps, those huge bright lights, and the sterile needles that sew you up.

anyway i digress, a lot. there's a hasselblad h3d, on ebay at 42 grand. 39megapixel goodness. sheer madness, i wonder what the file size for a raw would be. i'd hate to wonder what large format digitals cost. professionality is really exclusively maddening.

the time, training, and experience required to specialize. the amount of time then required to become recognised. see it's really important to choose the right career before you get sucked into that downward spiral of exclusivity. A doctor has no more time to retrain(you're nearly 30 by the time you get your speciality).

i hate this hyperfocused. i'm so engrossed, i only stopped reading and reading to eat tea and lunch today, and i have yet to even glance through any of the books i've been given. the founding pap members and jamie are still in their plastic wrappings and the bartending book hasn't been thumbed. sheesh i'm going crazy. CRAZY I SAY. oh god it's almost morning

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

11 days of christmas left. WOOT.

And i have found someone to fantansize over. YES i have a new love. OML and she's been kidnapped! the horror! What am i going to do ): nikon called last night admitted to the kidnapping, they're holding my poor girl hostage at a ransom of $7500. ): Oh dear D3 whatever am i going to do?

she's a milestone in nikon digital photography. my d70 is like some pre-neanderthal standing next to her.

FULL FRAME/12.2MP = WIN

not to mention the HIGH ISO NOISE CONTROL, you should see the sample pictures on nikon's website, up to ISO 6400, it looks like film grain! so sharp and clear. and it can go to 256,400! and at that iso it looks like my damn camera at ISO 800..oh deep deep sigh. I should just go back to film. bah!

Apart from my love being kidnapped(she was clearly hijacked from santa's sleigh, christmas has been a most wonderful event. Dinner on christmas eve was a complete success! hopefully, things will improve even more from there. Mah mah was thoroughly enjoying herself. David had many helpings of PEACH CHEESE CAKE, OMD, mummy makes the most sinister ways of fattening up her kids.. i couldn't help wondering whether she was in cohorts with a wicked witch or something. but if i am to be roasted alive remembering the taste of my favorite desert in the world!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Christmas lunch was even better.. We missed uncle danny and kelly, but uncle jimmy, aunty dale and aunty ba had a really wonderful time telling me how i wasn't studying enough, my grades are bad and how it's alright if i repeat the As. how wonderful. Aunty Alice and auntie CC had a most wonderful time expounding the many metaphors they could think of regarding my hair. Erik was enjoying himself reliving the laughter.. the bastard. Oh well, once again networking was fun.. might OCIP cambodia in march. WOOT..

Christmas rocked, though, there's always one thing that disappoints me every year. It's the presents. Not in a materialistic way, i couldn't care what i recieved, you know? I just wished that I could have gotten something from friends. Getting something that i wished for would be an added bonus of course, but the entire motion of recieving something is more to me than just the material, it's the thought that someone actually took time and effort to think of me and to get me sometime personally. It makes you feel wanted. I guess This is the area that always falls short for me every christmas.

I think it's important to really give presents during christmas, i for one, find it completely disappointing to recieve book vouchers and cash. It says two things. 1) I didn't have time to think of you. 2) I couldn't be bothered to think of you. Not very nice right. I'd rather recieve a book that i may not read or something, even if you took a shot in the dark. It wouldn't matter, because at least it shows you care! of course if you really take a shot in the dark without considering the person.. that it's the same as giving cash. C'mon.. you know erm better than you think.
For those of you who know, I always but in a lot of effort to get people things, or to make stuff for them. This year it's books, hand-stitched books. Each book takes a minimum of 2 days to make, and it's personalized per person. I always wonder why i end up doing these things, i don't get anything in return for my effort. I wonder if people even remember me when they think up their shopping list, or if it's just limited to my family and my close friends?

It made me think of Christ though, God's greatest gift to us. And i remembered how he never asked for anything back, and how most of us never give him anything back? I asked myself what have i done for God this year? What have I even given to him as a gift? I am ashamed to say, I don't know and that I feel I probably didn't. I think of how Christ healed those ten lepers and how only one turned around to even thank him. How Christ died for us on the cross, God's greatest sacrifice. How many of us take it for granted? And during midnight mass this year, Fr Colin reminded us how Christmas really is Jesus's birthday. How a parishioner and her two girls baked a cake to celebrate Christ's birthday with the noviate. He made us sing happy birthday to Christ during mass. I felt so guilty. Christmas is Jesus's birthday, but here i am think of giving gifts to everyone but Him? I felt worse than neglecting family.

Most people want a lot of things during christmas, despite it being the season of giving. But christ didn't ask for anything, he just gave and he gave his life. I always tried to emulate him every year, i give without asking for something back, i don't complain much. yet now i feel i'm tiring of giving, i want to recieve something too, and it's not anything material, i just wanted to be needed, to be wanted, to be acknowledged. Am i doing something wrong? I know i'm only human to want, but is it wrong to play by such laws of reciprocity for christmas? I honestly feel so guilty thinking about it. I recall how my mother always reminds us that Christ was never wanted in society, he was hated by the pharisees, disdained by the people, who eventually crucified him. He thought us things that were practically the opposite of social norms. To give with out getting back, to forgive and to keeping forgiving (seven times seventy times), to love.

Sometimes I just want to give up, I always wonder why God makes me carry this heavy cross, to deprive me of society. To fulfill my deep desire of being wanted, acknowledged or needed. I don't think I'll ever find out till what His plan is for me, why I need to carry this large burden, until I finally meet him at death.I hope he'll tell me before he decides whether he'll take me into heaven or not. However, what I do know, is probably how Christ must have felt, the human side of him. To be unwanted by the very people he was brought down to save. The people who were always in his thoughts, yet, can God actually feel that way? God is love. Love is never lonely. Well whatever it is, if Christ does feel lonely and unappreciated on his birthday, then i know how he feels. This feeling doesn't just happen on christmas, i get it on mine too. Lord, what do you want me to do?

I must really thank my siblings this year, they've really matured, Erik especially, he put in so much thought and effort into his presents for us throughout the year(though he doesn't know me very well clearly, a book on bartending.. what am i? an alcoholic.. oh erik... i'm not really.. i know i guzzle whiskey like an old irish car, but no i'm not...). Sondra split of from the communal sharing this year, treating me to a pair of earings. I feel really bad that i didn't spend even time thinking of what to get them. Mummy gave a cookbook =D.

I think the funniest thing was daddy and mummy's presents between the two of them.. both of them so undisciplined.. tsk tsk tsk opening their presents before christmas. That was quite hilarious the way they way chosen. Dad was complaining how Mum was giving away too many bottles of wine, so mum said she'll give him one for christmas. Then mum inquired what she was getting and dear father had to remind her that she already got her fendi wallet and bag. oh dear..

I thank God for 12 days of christmas, i'm really behind on the books. I WILL FINISH. and holiday homework too.

my last advent song.

Come, Lord Jesus
sr. Miriam Therese Winter, SCMM

Christ come quickly, there's danger at the door.
Poverty a plenty, hearts gone wild with war.
There's hunger in the city and famine on the plain.

Come, Lord Jesus, the light is dying,
the night keeps crying: come, Lord Jesus

Want demands a hearing in far too many lands,
The sick go unattended, death deals a heavy hand.
The dreams of men are empty, their cup of sorrow full.

Come, Lord Jesus, the light is dying,
the night keeps crying: come, Lord Jesus

The world awaits in darkness a mighty burst of light,
To set the lame man leaping, to give the blind man sight.
We have the prophet's promise, we await the Prince of Peace.

Come, Lord Jesus, the light is dying,
the night keeps crying: come, Lord Jesus

The clouds shall send a Saviour like soft falling rain,
Yet mighty in his power, to free us from our chains.
His shield will be compassion, his weapon liberty.

Come, Lord Jesus, the light is dying,
the night keeps crying: come, Lord Jesus

CHRISTMAS EVE.

This is it folks! 11 hours to go!!! YAY

anyway, i slept 4 hours today, dragged myself out of bed, went to school to gym, and man i am so unfit. stupid lousy holiday grumble-grumble...

I cannot extol how excited i am! CHRISTMAS MUSIC TONIGHT!!! WOOHOO GO TO ST.IGGIES Y'ALL. i shall see you there! and around the house, is a mix of laziness and extreme buzz, christmas eve dinner with the paternal side, 2 christmas masses to get mah fill, full extreme panic, with 6 or 7 books left to stitch.. OH JOY...

I fill really unprepared for christmas, i lack the spirit, i think it's because i spent too much time in preparations and very little time in meditation. I'm sorry lord, i wish i had spent more time with you ):. This is a very strange year for me too, the first time that i'm not singing for any mass as part of the choir. i'm so sad...i guess it comes with the price on wanting to 'enjoy' myself.

so much has changed in the past year, i remember last year, i had such a close feeling to my family, my extended family, that was a nice time. i wonder where it all went. well i know, it's just that i hate the reasons and excuses. oh well.. i'm looking forward to seeing them tonight!

what child is this, who is working there,
on a christmas night, not sleeping.
whose parents scream goodnights to him,
which pass by his deaf ears.

this, this is david,
who's time is almost over.
haste haste, to make his gifts,
to give to his friends at christmas.

Concert.

today i went to watch My Chemical Romance live in singapore. My first rock concert. oh i'm so not a virgin anymore :P.
Their music is so good, and Gerard actually sounded slightly better than he does usually when he's live. He shouts into the mic every time! it's no wonder he makes the audience sing some lines, gotta recover the voice luh. though they didn't do anything spectular, maybe it's cause they weren't used to singapore, the on-tour keyboardist did really spectular though, he played some rachmaninov-esque music and actually sang a little during the short interval when the band went backstage to rest and get more drunk i suppose. I had so much fun hopping to the music.

besides jumping and singing along and being manipulated by gerard to wave our arms around, i released why live shows are so popular. just watching the musicians on stage doing their thing, having fun, doing what they love to do, made me realize that i actually felt closer to them in some odd way, since they were actually there in person. not more than 15m away, than 20m than 40m away (we moved back cause ying couldn't see) feeling someone's presence is much greater in person than being separated by a glass screen and many pixels. I guess that is why i love to watch theatre, way more than i like to see movies. that actual spirtual presence, you can feel it, the person's presence.

I think it was really worth the $100 bucks, sorry lads, you'll be getting trashy romance novels for christmas :p, and it was definitely fun watching gerard drop an octive on 'teenagers' when he couldn't keep the high pitch on the last chorus. gives me hope, and reminds me we're all still human. though Iron maiden's bruce dickinson is still like god-like. his range is impressive, reaching high tenoric notes and his variety of styles, is wow! GO LISTEN NOW..


tomorrow i shall have a sore throat. Good night ladies.

work.

I spent this very evening working at MOX, i haven't stepped into the place in a year, and boy has it changed. my cross-dressing boss, bernice, has hung up her drag attire to become benjamin. the place has been renovated, and is really nice, though it retains the mox atmosphere..

so i got my orders pad and a pen and i spent the entire night getting orders and delivering them of course. gosh i was so noob. i forgot where my customers were sitting twice. while it wasn't really my fault, they came to the bar to order. The place wasn't even packed today, thanks to zouk out, but still.. so chaotic between 11 and 12. though there were some really bitchy idiots..

i think the funniest thing that happened was that this guy tried to flirt with me, that was until he realized i was straight. that was quite an experience. ask me about it, i'll tell you.

gonna go to sleep, mass in the morning!

rotting away, myself.

it's a bright, lovely, sunny day with perfect clouds painted into the sky. but i'm here wasting my time. i feel so lethargic, i just want to get off my chair and go do something but i don't want to do anything. my house, my computer, my chair are prisons.

A day in my life.

all you yokels.. watch now.
that includes you ladies and gents.

Prom.

prom is just a large ballroom with clicking flashes and cheap food. everyone taking their last photos, wondering whether they will ever see each other again, so many faces, so many memories. you wonder, where is life going to now, the close of an era, a chapter in life's storybook. This is the conclusion, to a journey known as the A levels.

Then I saw myself in the mirror and I wondered what about me. I've already missed the train once and here I am watching it leave the station again. I couldn't help but wonder how I fell again and again. I don't where I'm going. This journey is so strange, so full of fog and mist, with holes on every side. So easy to lose one's footing and fall..

Then the glamour was over, and everyone went over to the arena. I guess it's not really interesting for me to club in singapore. I don't like the scene, it's all about sex, everyone just grind each other, what for? I guess I hoped there was more to it then sex, i was hoping people actually would go to a club for the dancing. I was wrong. There was no space to move, if that's what you would even call 'dancing' people's hips just moving up and down, no place to move left and right, arms going in the same direction, no variation of moves. How do you look good doing the same things over and over again. wave your hands in the air if you just don't care.

OH MAN OH MAN

my feet are killing me! i cannot believe i would ever say that..i sound girl, but i swear i broke at least 2 bones in each sole and toes feel like they want to come off...bloody weight..

Owari!

2:30:23

It is over. 3 months of preparation and much set backs and bouts of laziness and depression, but I did it. And I am proud of my time and I'm happy with myself. Heh I didn't think I would be able to even finish in 3hrs. Thank you God.

Running long distances is not just boring, it's extremely boring, but today, it was really a beautiful day, as i ran through the first 7km, i watched as the sun rose high, and you know how much i love sunrises (much cooler than sunsets), she rose among really lovely clouds, painted by the hand of God. As we passed the bridge it was just spectucular, I would have stopped and just stared.. but you know i was busy running. There also these nice people giving us encouragement, a band played the phantom of the opera as we hit 6k. I think God really blessed me today. The scenery, the atmosphere, and just having so many people around took my mind away from the run.

It's really key to have a distraction when running, draw your focus away from your swollen feet, your heavy aching muscles, the numbness that your lower body is feeling. haha i think apart from God, the only reason i got through the race was the banana at 13k! haha and after that the promise to go have FOUR kani kaarage temaki later at Yoshuku. heh it's nice to treat yourself.

And I did. I proved to myself that i have the resilience to defeat life. Go screw yourself ms tan! I've got the determination that you can't see(: Though, i also ran for another person today. Kito Aya(1962-1988). A japanese girl, who at the age of 15, was diagnose with spinocerebellar ataxia, the degeneration of the cerebullum and spine, resulting in the lost of a motor function, so slowly, can you imagine having an illness which you know cannot improve but only slowly progressively decline? She wrote her diary everyday which was compiled into a book called 1 rittoru no namida (1 litre of tears). The book was later turned into a japanese drama of 11 episodes. It is so sad, you should go watch it. Her life is really inspiring, it makes you appreciate the little things you take for granted everyday. The abilty to walk, talk, or write. the independence these gifts give us. That's why today i ran for her, for those people who cannot run. I can still run, i can still walk, i can still think, i can still do so many things and i will keep on doing those things, because i can.

appreciate yourself today. go now!

doko ni ikutteru oretachi ga?

K
Only Human

哀しみの向こう岸に
微笑みがあるというよ

哀しみの向こう岸に
微笑みがあるというよ
たどり着くその先には
何が僕らを待ってる?

逃げるためじゃなく　夢追うために
旅に出たはずさ　遠い夏のあの日

明日さえ見えたなら　ため息もないけど
流れに逆らう舟のように
今は　前へ　進め

苦しみの尽きた場所に
幸せが待つというよ
僕はまだ探している
季節はずれの向日葵

こぶし握りしめ　朝日を待てば
赤い爪あとに　涙　キラリ　落ちる

孤独にも慣れたなら
月明かり頼りに
羽根なき翼で飛び立とう
もっと　前へ　進め

雨雲が切れたなら
濡れた道　かがやく
闇だけが教えてくれる
強い　強い　光
強く　前へ　進め