Life sucks.

then again life is gone. so precious. wasted dead decayed revolting. so here's a song.
the pixies
Hey
Been trying to meet you
Hey
Must be a devil between us
Or whores in my head
Whores at my door
Whores in my bed
But hey
Where
Have you
Been if you go I will surely die
Were chained

Uh said the man to the lady
Uh said the lady to the man she adored
And the whores like a choir
Go uh all night
And mary aint you tired of this
Uh
Is
The
Sound
That the mother makes when the baby breaks
Were chained

Day Zero

And so the exams have ended. Just like that, silently, on the morning of the twentieth of november. Much unlike the way they arrived, with a huge bang, cacophoniously disrupting life and like a good guest, arriving so amply supplied with the gift of chaos. Yet it left egragiously this morning, like a thief in the night. In a mere thirty minutes, it was over.

In its wake, a new freedom arose. Three years worth of heavy shackles, chains and bondage fell off my shoulders. In response, my shoulders rejoiced of course. Yet, this new weightlessness is an unwelcomed feeling. The shackles and chains of before were not dead weights, but wheels, they provided meaning and purpose. Twelve hours into the aftermath, the lack of meaning and purpose in my life now has become as clear as crystal. I'm confident enough to say, that if this was a well read website, I'd recieve hatemail for following blasphemous statement. I want to go back to school so I can learn more. I want to study post-A levels.

Well, who'd thought unemployment would be so boring. Boredom, you are one of my greatest nemesis and one of the most powerful. Your powers of lethargy and depressive and negativity are strong enough to make the sun fall out of the sky. If only I knew your one weakness, the krytonite that will end all your terror. If only.

Again why?

Why did you put me here. Why did you send me to this place, with these people, with these systems? Why? Why this situation, why this time, why is everything shrouded? Why must I continually walk this path through smoke and mirrors? Why is everything so twisted and convoluted and unclear? Why must you keep breaking me and making me fall. Why can't you grant me wings to soar? Instead you plant me heavily on the ground, and a put a mountain of darkness in my path. Why must have this mind and be adlered by impulsivity and carelessness? Why do you make my life so difficult?

Yet, to ask you these questions, to question your reasoning, to doubt your plans are actions of nothing more than folly. Your logic is pure, your reasons can only end in goodness for you are love and your plan is divine. You do things in your time. And you gave me freedom. How can I blame you for putting me in this place? I chose it. I chose out of all the eighteen or more possible choices. How can I slander your name for the path that I have picked out? I want this job and this is the only path and I knew it would be crooked and twisted and bent, clouded in fog, mirrors reflecting all manner of nonexistent paths. Yet, it was not you who told me to step foot upon its shadowy trail. I did.

I'm lost now. The labryinth of life stands before me, with portals opening and closing before my eyes. I can't help but think that somehow behind all my choices lies your ever guiding hand. Then why, why does it have to be this way, all wrought with pain and suffering? How much longer will I have to drag this cross before I can reach the trodden beaten path once again? They say to follow your plan and do your will is supposed to bring peace and contentment. I have yet to find either. And I have the gall to question your power and your existence. How much further can I sink in degradation? For you who created all, the everlasting creator, there is nothing that you cannot do. You have blown the smallest wind and toppled this giant many times. I am here by your choice, yet it is my choice. Your hand is in everything, and yet everything works on its own accord. And how can you not exist? If you were not to exist to me, then what would I have? I would be nothing. In my heart, I know you to be true, to say, to think to rationalize that you cannot exist is mere pretense. Then, life in and off itself will be a lie. I cannot fathom how these people who believe in their hearts that you cannot be true can make it true the day. To lie and lie and lie until they live the lie.

It occured to me when I was lashing out at you in pain, of the extent of your love. All over the world at any point in time, there are people lashing out at you in anger, in pain, in suffering, in confusion, people who question your abilities, and people who doubt your existence. Yet, in spite of all the hurt and pain they cause you, you a being of pure love, you take all in without grudge or retaliation. It must pain you to watch the suffering, knowing you change it all in the smallest fraction of a microsecond and still, you withhold that power. Instead you touch your children in the most subtle ways. You know that the pain and the suffering and the disbelief are neccessary to grow strong and resilient so that we may come home one day.

Yet, we are weak and we are foolish and we fail. I am weak and I am foolish. That is why I question and retort and doubt. I want to know why. Why do you have to make me feel so helpless, crumpled and useless. So vulnerable, in knowing that no matter what I do or how much it, I can have no control of my life. You are the one who does. It was what I said before the paper, 'it is in your hands now'. I wonder if I truly meant it. Now I can't let go, I know now that whatever comes out of this chapter, it is really in your hands. Whatever grade I will get, is no longer up to me, but is up to you. I only pray that by your grace, it will be good and it will be what I wanted, what I worked so hard for. I am selfish, I know you have and plan and still I want what I want and I cannot help it. If it is not what I want, then I beg that you give me understanding and patience and acceptance so that I may understand your plan and let you guide me. Whatever I have, whatever I will recieve is of your doing and not mine.

I hope that this path I have choosen is the path that you want me to walk down. If not, I hope that I will be able to accept that. Help me to trust in you completely.

The words have been there all along, you printed them on my jersery. Matt 19:23

why?

we fell out of the sky one night,
and you just sat there and cried,
and cried and cried and cried,
you knew that we'd never be alright.

and so the red tears dribbled down
from those beautiful brown eyes,
and driped down down onto your dress,
as you looked up at the dream bound

and tied. you can't go back now,
its too high in the deep blue sky
but you tried and fell and died.
i wished i saved you. but how?

everything lies and taunts the skies,
and the maggots that eat you
remove all the little ties,
put you deep in the ground, no more tries.

From the sky you fell, now you dwell
in the ground, with much patience lie,
hidden in plain sight, masked delight.
Justice has toppled, deep into hell,

and her scales no longer balance
the good from the bad, no more,
no more, she is very bored.
she thrusts her sword, like lance

deep into her heart and breathes no more.
make way for the cold winter of May,
when January no long prays,
and October hides in silent shame, the whore.

As I watch you in the casket,
like a doll, fast a sleep, there's
no one to play with anymore.
you twist and turn to forget

those things that in the past wrought
with much regret, and put it all
away in your pocket, justa ball.
are these all that you thought?

the rain echoes my silence wait,
pouring crimson down from heaven,
and there's here left to learn,
just your forgotten face, i am too late.

I wonder why i followed you out
of sky, only to watch you die?
How did i lose my heart to a lie?
separated by classroom doubt,

by a shiny silver window,
that reflected cruel truth,
like the wolf and its tooth.
I'd shatter it and see you widowed

but you had already died.

i wonder why you were going
down a senseless path of ghosts.
i wished we could have shared toast,
and talked a little more, hearts trembling.

the trembling was your fear,
and nothing more from the monster
that stood calmly on the barrister,
staring out into nothing, no leer,

no glance. then you jump!
and fell down, out of the sky.
crying, crying, crying, crying,
into your box, in one big lump,

you maggot infested memory.
rest in peace.

We cry out so loud that no one can hear us.

Yesterday, I wrote up a plan for a GP essay where the topic of discussion was the possibility for 'harmnony in a diverse world'. I wrote up a brillant plan, so full of hope and ideas, put through logical process, proved by the idea of induction. If it is possible for Mother Nature in her complexities and chaos to display some form of harmony.

Through Le Chateliar's principle, the laws of nature work to equilibriate any effect or stimulus that happens in the natural world. If the population of Lions rise, the population of gazelle will fall, then the population of Lions will rise again. If the temperature of a habitat rises by so many degrees, the inhabitats best suited to survive will thrive and the unselected will die.

By that assumption, the far more intricate society of Man too can be harmonious. Unfortunately, I tried to argue that it would actually be possible in this time, that it to an extent is already in natural harmony. That Le Chateliar's was already working. To an extent it is, but it is working the simple way nature's equilibrium is in place. Cold, unforgiving and mechanical. Society is already like that. And its harmony lacks the one criteria that establishes harmony. It is unappealing.

However, this was not the harmony I had envisioned. I saw one wherein the world's peoples worked together to turn all evil into good. I saw a world where the flaws that followed original sin were removed. I saw the people at the highest status of affluence giving back to those in the lowest levels of poverty. I saw a world like the one now, with all its flaws like poverty, but one where there was love and care. Everyone considered the other, everyone cared and everyone loved. Love, that was it.

I saw heaven.

I saw the ideality that could not happen, at least not in this realm or in this time, not without intervention from above. I saw this, and I tried to foolishly contrust a real possibility. No, not just a possbility, but a reality. In that reality I lost my humanity.

I wanted to force a cube into a circular slot, and I joined the ranks of idealist before me. Do not get me wrong, Heaven exists, infact Heaven exists here on Earth too, just in tiny pockets all over the world, where there is love. I am more appalled at my ability to lose my humanity, in search ideality, by becoming so far removed into a macro perspective, that logically the processes, the systems, the patterns, they do work, albeit from high above. Yet inasmuch as it worked above, I failed to look below.

I forgot that God sees all, he not only looks from above upon us with his light. He is with us now, here before us all, in the spaces of time, in the every wrong and every place and every plane. He exists. And God, God is impossible to understand by humans, his ways, his means, his reasons, they are his own. From time to time, he will give a few specially selected few a sliver of understanding. However, it is impossible to understand or know him until we meet him.

This is something I've understood since secondary school. So why? Why did I try to play God, why do I try so hard to be perfect, to get perfect scores, to strive to be the best, and in the end I fail. I will fail. I am not perfect. I feel helpless and empty that I cannot understand and I cannot act.

I guess I will have to trust him.

As my energies are burning out on the advent of the examinations. I know I cannot do anything but push and stumble forward and rest upon his shoulders, while he walks for me, leaving his footprints in the sand. And I'll have to find my empathy. I think I left under my pile of books.

Life fades.

I am stuck in a system. A most heinous system, one that ticks uniformly like a clock. I am stuck here like a square piece being pushed through a circular hole, my entire life is on hold. And as I wait, I watch the other people go through other doors, fitting so perfectly and walking around out side. Why do they get to fly?

It shouldn't bother me, I'm stuck. Just stuck here. I can't go anywhere, or do anything and time doesn't permit me to back track. Though the system has a mean ticker going tick tock tick tock. Counting down days till the doors shut. I don't have much time life I reckon, 17 days or 50 days, what does it matter? I'll still be stuck.

It perplexes me so, why You should let me be stuck here all alone? I can't find it out some days. I know You let me come here. I know I need to be here to do the things to get to the place that I need to be. Yet why now, why here, why this place? Why did you let all my friends go away? Why does it have to be this way?

Somedays I wreck my brains and try to figure out why. Sometimes its just so hard to take. I wish I could just do what You say, I wish I wouldn't get angry and question and stray. After all, I cannot know all, no matter how much I try, even with all the books in the world, what You know I won't ever find. Yet, its difficult, so hard sometimes to push on, to do things your way. I fail and fall and topple, lapse and relapse, and fail some more. I think the worst part is when I wonder if you're even there.

Sometimes its difficult, and I feel so dry inside. I wish I wouldn't, because it doesn't seem right. But You always know. You have planned everything so nicely haven't You? I just hope that I will follow Your way. This I pray.

A Warning

I think I dreamt of you again last night,
Morning rose, and you disappeared again.
(Nightmares haunt me still wroth with bloody scythes.)

You looked so pretty like the northern lights,
But fate said 'no' and let the darkness in:
I think I dreamt of you again last night.

And in your eyes I became the black knight;
Fanged monsters and Belphagor, had I much akin.
(Nightmares haunt me still wroth with bloody scythes.)

You clawed my heart and pierced it with no spite--
Scared you were of this monster that you've slain.
I think I dreamt of you again last night,

Amidst dripping skulls and carrion plagued night,
Where they buried me to sleep, still insane.
(Nightmares haunt me still wroth with bloody scythes.)

Prescient Fate spins her wheel with great delight,
Laughing at all enthralled in her sordid chain.
I think I dreamt of you again last night.
(Nightmares haunt me still wroth with bloody scythes.)

Carelessness.

Carelessness is the bane of my existance. I am now running the final stretch of this race. This crucial segment that will bring about the end of a chapter of my life. And yet, carelessness seems to plague my every footstep. He was there with during my papers with his parents: poor time-management and stress. Such a pity that he must plague me so, and what a great disease he is. He has cost me many grades. The rotten little red crosses that form like a tumor

Yet, wonderfully, there is a cure. That cure is practice. However, practice is the most bitter of all medicines, the kind you need to three glasses of water to remove its horrid aftertaste. The type requiring long hours for the entire dosage to be delivere, long hours, everyday. And the effect is slow, every slow. The doctor says a constant administration of it is required to cure carelessness. Furthermore, the dosage can only begin in small amounts and gradually increase. Too much too early will cause negative side effects. Too little will have no significant gains. The worst thing about this medicine is that even a small break from treatment will require the patient to return to the first stage of it.

I have taken too long a break from treatment, and i feel weak and frustrated. Everyday my work output is a laughable fraction of what it was just a month ago. Even more frustrated about the limbs amputated because of it. The loss of chemistry and mmathematics and biology. The doctors say that they can be regrown, but it will take time. I wonder if I have that time? Will I be able to return and best my previous work out put? Will I be able to do it in enough time. I wonder.

The doctors told me there will be more testing, rigorous testing. It begins in six and half weeks. Not many days left, they are so few. I pray for a miracle, for God's divine intervention that he will graze me with his finger and remove this cancer from my viens. I pray for a miracle that he will jumpstart my fire and let the treatment work. I pray for a miracle that I will pass these tests.

There is only one chance. My heart beats faster just thinking about it. A singular flashing taught, a consequence, a nightmare in a second. Yet I know the future is undecidded, unknown save to one and full of possibilities. I know now is the present, now is current, malleable by the choices i make. I try everyday to live here and now and focus on what needs to be done. I know I need to live now to get to tomorrow. I wonder if I am doing enough.

Everything is so slow now. I feel frustrated. I want to go faster, fast, but I can't. I'm trapped, ensared by a monster I have to beat. I guess I can only pray.

We interrupt this program to bring this exciting broadcast!

On the run from the devious and terrifying Ministry of Education, our hero, David and his most logical assistant, The Invisible Man!, and in search of the perfect burger and chocolate milkshake, this half-visible dynamic duo bring to you the results of their ever ongoing endeavor!

*whack!*

First on their try out list was Relish, a daunty little cafe near serene center that provides delicious mouth watering burgers!

They served up a glass as long as the legs of a certain little giant girl, filled to the brim with thick velvety chocolate heaven, with a hint of triple sec that added to indulgent taste to great a big boom upon every sip! 'A must try!' says The Invisible Man! and he rarely says much!

*BLAM!*

and off they go again, this time to The Coffee Club, where they were served a glass full of thick chocolatey milkshake, topped up with a scoop of ice cream. though despite the awe and presence of the drink, it could manage to top Relish, still worth a taste!

*Smash*

now headed to Hans@the national library, were the half visible duo ordered shake while waiting for a dynamic meeting! To their unfortunate dismay, it was sad concoction, of vanilla ice cream blended with chocolate syrup, barely worth the time. Remember kids, next time troubled with the ingredients list, always use real good quality chocolate ice cream! that will whip the villains into despair!

*BOOM!*

finally this half invisible duo, was at island cremery waiting for space to descend upon them, when they decided they wanted a milkshake! and a milkshake they got! though nice and tall and thick and make with reverse-o, the might island milkshake was no much for the wonders of relish.

*ka-blam!*

and there you have it folks, the mighty half-visible duo are off again, on the run from the villainy of the MINSTRY OF EDUCATION and in search for the perfect shake! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER BEDAZZLING EPISODE! 'It's outrageous' says The Invisible Man! so it is...until next time folks!

Today, I met a most interesting man, a wandering writer by the name Hideo Asano, at Hans outside the National Library. He travels from country to country in search of inspiration for writing, much like wandering ronin, though he would probably wince at the comparison. He appeared out of nowhere, and touched our lives for a second, before the Chow and I had to take our leaves to attend to our schedules, and then he was gone. Though this small moment made me think and think a lot I have.

Asano, like I mentioned earlier, appeared out of nowhere and suddenly inquired about the book I was thumbing through for literary evidence, was written by Dickens. This promptly ended our tuition and we began to discuss the loss of the classics upon the people of today. Asano talked about how the publishers of today only print what the masses want, which is entertainment, which is rubbish, whereas books, the classics, they were food for the mind, classics such as shakespeare, nietzsche, tolsky and chekov. Authors with which many young in this country have never even heard of before, much less read.

From discussing literature, we went on to discuss the machinations of people in certain societies, the loss of the individual mind, citing countries like Japan and the US as examples. The isolation of the Japanese due to the systems and the language barrier and so on have lead to the loss of individuality in Japan, where everyone follows the mainstream. Asano was very against the mainstream. He believes in writing for himself and not for others, for writing in and of itself and not for money. It is only later when I googled him that I found out how much he holds true to his believes, he wanders from country to country, sleeping in airports, eating simply, writing. How many of us are to scared to put what we truely believe in, into practice.

We talked more upon the isolation of the thinking mind in Singapore and attainment of true freedom. He is very much like my grandfather, holding onto absolutes, yet still hold very simple and poignant truths in them. His simplicity really struck me, here is a thinking mind, a complex individual with opinions and philosophy, who enjoys time to think and ponder life, much like myself. Yet he is able to hold on to simplicity, something that i can only dream of. In a way, so much like Fr. Keane.

I wish i could write more, but i seem to have trouble expressing myself properly tonight. If you are so blessed to meet this man, I do hope you entertain him, for you might be the one who comes out better for it.

Check him out at www.hideoasano.com

You wanna know how I got these scars?

My father was a drinker....and a fiend.... and one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn’t like that, not one bit. So, me watching he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me and he says “WHY SO SERIOUS SON?”. He comes at me with the knife “why so serious son?” Sticks the blade in my mouth lets put a smile on that face and….. why so serious

i'm slipping away so unconsciously, losing more and more of my humanity. whatever little i already had. i feel so distraught, it's amazing how moody i'm becoming, swinging in and out of horrible low mood spells. The a levels are amazing, the damning stress you place on people. i'm treading such a thin line now, losing my beliefs, losing my goal. why the fuck am i doing this? why am i condemned to be so miserable? am i seeking it? is it seeking me? how easily the building collapses when the supports are all gone. support? what support where? they always talk about how they found real true friends in church? where have mine gone? where they even there in the first place? like nothing else really annoys people more than the amount of question marks i can put into a paragraph.

oh despair, despair, thou art a witty creature, ensaring me for years long past, and now you rob me of all tiny glimpses of hope dost thee. i can't remember a time in the last 6 months where i was actually happy. ya eka, you should be scared when i'm unleashed upon society, havok and chaos will reign. i don't fucking care. apathy, maybe that's what i really need, true apathy. a fucking truckload of it. who wallows in self-pity anyway. we should all just me machines, trudge forward day by day, with the boring speeches they play.

a warring affair, these here days.
they do not last.

Things never happen the same way twice, dear one.
-Aslan, The Chronicals of Narnia, Cs Lewis

through the sins of my life, through my eyes here they balantly taunt me. Like everything that i've ever wanted to do or to have flashing before my eyes. this is not good for me. Oh i tell you! I've become a beach slut. Only suited to wallow each day along the spritely beaches soaking up the suns rays, lazing around doing nothing, lazing around for not a care, lazing around, no responsibilies. that is suddenly where i find myself.

have i burnt out again, fallen into that all too familiar nook, am i to die this way? but it seems so wrong, to be tired out and demoralized before the start of a term. i resolve to be strong! i know what i must do, for after all, he put me here, and by more times than i can count or remember he has shoved me back alone this seemingless cold and fruitless path. Yet i know! it was one where the fruit will grow only when the path is finally trod. [the gates of princeton/oxford/cambridge/jhs awaits]
and he's done much to make it barren and desolate, for the events which encompass my days towards my exams are timely placed so that i may not take part in them. sigh, august, competition- u-23s, competition-acjc students, otherwise known as prelimary exams. the final frontier before the big fall. too bad we have no more terminal examinations. even other endeavours that my heart holds dear are torn and shredded, the calendar has no space for them. after all it is the major examinations year. whereupon such a year can you have time for something frivolous like a relationship, it's a most facetious statement.
give up, give up david!
you have lost much anyway, there was nothing there to begin with, just your imagination run amok. there's nothing in here life but to the dying.

i wish i wish, for war to run it's course, to be over and peace to return to us all. my sunny beaches where i can just lie down and close my eyes as the waves roll on to me, and then be no more.
I worry, now they are all dispersed, all disappeared, will i be able to face this tempestuous storm alone?

if you read this, you, yes you, you know how, AND if you don't you're really silly for missing the clue. i'm worried about you, you're overstressing yourself, you're overworking your burdens and you're applying all the oils of the perfectionist to your brain... i pray you don't burn out my dear, it would be sad to see the fire die inside, and 1st degree burns are difficult to treat and always leave scars. do relax a bit more, stop watching the clock and just concentrate on what you need to do.

this is the end of the world.
the whales stuck out of the beach,
like warheads on the sand,
here,all breached,
drowning in this summer heat.
i reach for your hand and
it's not there.
why did you leave me here,
here alone when for the world to end?

how did the world come this way?
it's like just the other day
we walked this beach alone,
the sand in our toes,
with nothing to care,
just the clouds in the air.
then they came, flipped the world
upside down, in their hands, they hold
her, crushing away the life.

take be back to winter,
when we grew the lilies behind the old garden shed.
a nightmare came one day and brought the sun out again,
and he tore away all the pure white snow,
and brought with him the evils, the heat, the wind.
and then they came, from amongst us,
they've been hiding since a long time ago,
they brought down the towers and opened the castle door,
and into our lives, they stormed tempestuous.
ever treacherously threatening to throw out
the bombs and betray the world.
my world.

and our soldiers fought one by one and fell,
liked fields ripe for the plucking, they fell,
each one, adding to the torrent, here they fell.
and the sea of blood drenched the inner city walls,
amidst the purple skies of summer.
even the kangaroorats hid in their holes,
a break from their feasting on sour corpses bleeding
to hide from them, the evils.
the world had fallen in two days.

and you said to me,
'i'll stay with you always'
but you disappeared into nothingness,
along with your quiet whispers,
fading away, from this very world,
i don't think i can last any longer...
they caught up with me today,
and in the cell they left a needle,
this hypodermic syringe, and here a knife,
a pill, oh sweet death that they have left me!
a cure they said for what was to come.

and then it began, from the dawn of day to the dust,
the terrible treatment at the hands of the evil,
for no information was i to give them,
and...and they promised me that you'll come back,
a sweet sweet promise, my dear love...
a masque for the lies they instilled in my head.
oh how i'm beginning to forget your kiss.
everyday my head explodes from the pain,
a few short memories here and there, this pain.
my brain wants to escape it all,
the voices, the delusions, the hallucinations.
here's to the endgame.
i reach for the needle,
and yet you stop me with your gentle hand,
and yet you're not there. it was my imagination bent,
broken and destroyed.

and then it happened,
it broke, the dam destroyed, the river flowed.
my mind caved in and died,
oh but sweet freedom, as the light shot from my eye...
heart beating, faster and faster,
coursing sweet energy, no more pain.
and i killed them all, a single thought,
choked them all and buried them in their technological fortress.

I haven't actually been high in a damn long time, i'd almost actually forgot the feeling. The almost out-of-body astral feeling. The weird lag time inbetween wanting to move your limbs and the actual movement, as though you were watching yourself move from afar. The depressant part of the effect. Then the was the part where you feel all high, in your head, while everything else is lagging, your mind is just zooming down thought lanes, the stimulant part of ethanol. i definitely need to do this again soon!

Freak.
I am a freak.
i serve as torment to a life that shouldn't have been.
In mind, in genes, in everything.

there isn't any way in which i can measure such monstrosity.
this that hath been born out of clay, of ash, of silt,
put here on earth, this planet zoo.

why?
i don't know...
will anything ever come easy?
when will all this end?

one year past, one new year,
here at long last, a decade over.
beware little boy, with eyes and ears
listen to the morning song.
in it only the dawn of new beginings,
the finale of all endings,
a sharpened cry at the world.
begone little boy,
you are no more, this world's been placed on
your shoulders.
weeping and crying, this burden you carry
on such small shoulders.
here at long last, a decade over.
one year past, one new year.

Lesson learnt?

we stand here in the burning rain,
staring into the distance,
the pain, the rage, the tears
tearing at our hearts, at our minds,
just one question: why?

cold water from above splashes on,
searing wounds, the pain gushes out,
in like streaks, what's your lesson?
and the whiteboard written in blood
a streak across every little mark...

no answer can you give
(could you even think of one?)
to be built, a resilience?
a character? a serial killer?
why the scars are cut across this face.

all around never fading..
the tears are falling.

In this cold sea of red,
it drips, it drips, it drips...
hear the old fangled seamen's lips.
they speak of times past
all clothed in this red.

the girl she stood there in the water,
she drowns there in your arms
(why didn't you save her?)
the red flows over, the blood on her lips
spoke a tale of love and passion unheard.

the rain it falls, from the cuts and the scrapes,
bleeding from the wounds that wound
around the body.
raining, raining, this bloody rain!
STOP STOP STOP!

his head explodes a bullet now grasps his brain.
ideally a killer's deficeit.
and into his head you would see all the thoughts,
see the pretty lady, at the tree of the dead.
ici, à la mort. agacé.

célestes feux brûlent les méchants mort.
you cannot save me.
you die trying,
crying in the rain.
the wicked lies (you delude yourself).
here in dreams of painted wishes burning up to ashes,
in the frequent place where the body crashes.

bury me. cleanse me. purge me. burn me.

chapter one.

as they walked on from the mountain fall,
up the valley to winter's warmth.
they were running, running away
from april's cruel showers, to find spring.
up on mount ziijah, the path they travelled fades..
'oh ennuya!' he said, 'the path has been split by spades,
a jumbled jigsaw all barren and laid'
                                                              'oh but dear,
to the telesect we must make a way, which way?
which way?'
then the ghosts spoke in constant tone,
hushed,
soft in whispers that went to the bone:
they said, 'ennuya ennuya, thy young hand laid upon the rock,
you flee! you flee, without nothing more you spoke a smile no further.
you must return...flee this city of letters,
return to your seas'

but the deed was done, and the monsters had come,
worse than titans encased in stone, mould and earth,
a murders they committed, yet in mind, they spoke no evil.
surely a madman's pure wish, the ignorance of the sin,
but yet in lies the devil, ever in charming plain site hideth.
he awaits more madness, to frolic in, he awaits in this tainted inn.

and as quick as it had come to mount Ziijah, the fellows watched
as the grass, a green army of leafy blades sprung up,
again to bury the dead.
no one remembers, no one's been.
the telesect remains away hidden still unseen.
so aunty agnes, to tea you promised,
a great cup if you please, two milks and a sugar,
thank you.
                   you say she sprung froth of the golden
abyss?
           aye she, she hath caused many a pain like
that of the one of the froth of chronos came. she
she drugs your brain, like they all do. tear apart
the simple equation and it's frame.
                                                             infectious powers,
men and women all the same.
                                                    aye, a cake if you please.


scrurry scrurry, the rodents ran ahead,
now the rain rails rigidly rampant again.
a storm in the middle of may.
the ships quake and quiver,
quenching back bitter tears of salvation at last,
offer to them at this period of rest,
when waves pounded round and round the ships' back.
oh sailor, sailor,
help me up to the gallows, a green string
will run around my neck.
where be you from?
                                   phoenicia,
where alex rules supreme--
                                                  nay,
a depressed thought, as the spider runs down my lane.
his venom encompassing my veins.
quickly sailor pull the chord, let nothing remain.

and at last the sea turned calm.
into ice it floated down stream,
off the side of the world, inasmuch
it slide away to be held so silently, tired and bloody.
ringing out the pain. mark those words laddy.

SPA!!!! >.<

a life without.

a random piece of consciousness.

here the world seems to charm the fragrance round the bend, into anonymity, hiding from the background, away from the paints and the brushes and the greens and reds and oranges. an apple from the tree, the doctor, he wouldn't see me. it lies ahead upon the starry bank, where eliot sat, next reid and a quarter of einstein. he believed in awesome relativity. so you look now for a time that is played backward here in your head, a sick boy alone in his bed, shivering the fever playing out its dread, bodyaches and dripping muscus membranes. coughing up blood ever you see it. and then i told him jim, jim i said, you can't place the slant in a bedroom wall's rant of many many things and the ever patient man told me that the world's just going to fall sideways in a transient dream anyway, better to focus the camera in on a dream, away from the skulls, in iraq's sideways gleam. that's all very right and well but what about the ziijah and the telesect away from here where they would play. almost certain the doom and gloom write away from all the flagrant thoughts that add the fire and make them walk all crooked and stiff, down the wrong alley into bankman's palace. jim oh jim where did you go today? we sat living a dream in the living room floor, lee's pizza on the sofa, half eaten, a fetid attempt to consumer the world, flattened into 8 slices and a junk of pepperoni induces some calm nightmares of the world the sea in temperate. she walked on by, down by the beaches the world passed and the shadows hid from her last glance, her eyes, such a pretty treasure, as her eyes, they took themselves and wondered the world in wandering, this ennuay where the evening sat so filled with a lobster and champaign at that. i can't find the world again, not since the last time it blew up in my face, a lesson unlearned, it followed the sun round and round and and the place where it was last seen collided together in a some far of dream....

one year gone.

it's been one year old man,
since you left us bereaved.
walked your way up those white steps
to heaven's great relief.
a life lived long and hard,
you deserved the rest.

so so long ago, it seemed
like the beginning of the end.
a time that evils teemed
of lost ways and forgotten understandings.
why did you have to go?
oh i miss you so...

i hear in my heart, your voice
the deep hearty voice
that boomed on nonsense of lewis carol,
of walruses and carpenters,
of stories far and distant,
of the laughter that arose.
replayed in eidetic.

you watch over us at night,
i feel you behind me ever peering,
ever watching, like before
when i was small
and i'd fall
and upon your shoulders you raised me
to see the world.

i will be home soon.

Leaving New York
REM

it's quiet now
and what it brings
is everything

comes calling back
a brilliant night
I'm still awake

I looked ahead
I'm sure I saw you there

you don't need me
to tell you now
that nothing can compare

you might have laughed if I told you
you might have hidden a frown.
you might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around.

it's easier to leave
than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud.
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out

now life is sweet
and what it brings
I try to take
but loneliness
it wears me out
it lies in wait

and all not lost
still in my eye,
the shadow of necklace
across your thigh, I might've lived my life in a
dream but I swear it.
this is real.

memory fuses
and shatters like glass,
mercurial future, forget the past
it's you
it's what I feel

you might have laughed if I told you
you might have hidden a frown.
you might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around.

it's easier to leave
than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud.
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
you find it in your heart,
it's pulling me apart,
you find it in your heart, change

I told you, forever
I love you forever.
I told you i love you
I love you forever
you never, you never
you told me forever...

you might have laughed if I told you
you might have hidden a frown.
you might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around.

it's easier to leave
than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud.
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out

leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out
leaving new york, never easy.
I saw the light fading out

funorama

it is the most boring carnival i ever attended. That's probably because none of you, my dear friends turned up to hang out with me. I mean you and you and YES YOU! bloody bastards, all last minute cancel ):. Well it had its moments.

the usual funorama, equipped with 3 of the haunted houses that would make the most boring of ghosts bored. Lots of good food, and many games which i couldn't be bothered to play because....well because i didn't feel like trying to win any games. THERE WAS TANDOORI CHICKEN!!! and really nice lasagne which i couldn't afford. There was also a cow which was roasted before my very eyes. Well actually i hoisted it up onto the machine thingy. Really interesting, the guy, who did the roasting, roasts meat for a hobby for the swiss club. He also manages a restaurant called Stewhaus. Really nice food. Apparently the 150kg calf is air flown from austrailia, where it has to be marinated (spice rub) for a whole day, then roasted for 10 hours. Too bad the head was left in austrailia, it would have made for a more interested picture than just the decapitated neck.

In order for the meat to be ready at opening time, it had to be roasted the night before. If you do the math, you would realize that it would be about 1am when the roasted the thing. Which would beg the question why the fuck was I at school at 1am. Well i was doing security duty. The most boring thing ever, walk around a school so empty that mas selamat wouldn't even bother to sleep in, though he might have been from saints or disgusting green people... It was really empty, and dark, and really really a big waste of time. 3hr shifts with a 10 minute routine, but i did get to hoist a calf onto a spindle, and i got invited to hoist a 300kg cow onto a spindle at oktoberfest. Woot. Plus pancakes for breakkies. Double WOOT!

though i think the most sad part of the day was the end. I was getting bad underwear abraisions and i had to do clean up duty. I wish I'd never had agreed. I didn't know it was clearing the trash that other people cleared. That's right emptying the dumpsters into the open top containers. That seems easy you say. Every dumpster that we emptied, had brown liquid spew from it's insides down the container like a water fall. Not to mention, we had to climb inside the damn thing in order to empty the containers. This was all done while some morons came around to lob bags of trash onto our heads. They got well screamed at.

You'd be amazed at the stuff people throw away. A whole box of unused AA batteries! NICE...prized not won and food unsold. Then there was the amount of bags that burst with the contends coming right out at us. In the end a technique was experimented with successfully in disposing of rubbish. The six of us, Haiyuan, naveen, kester, tak jian, me and another guy. We used the edge of the dumpster as leverage to topple the dumpster all the way into the container, before emptying it and lobbing off the side. Great success....that is until many many more dumpsters started to show up. Needless to say, we all threw our sneakers away at the end.

I WANT KATONG LAKSA.

yes quite badly too...
it pines for me everytime i visit Queensway to buy whatever. Today's venture was to replace my poor nalgene bottle which i left in a cab, for the second time. You know my trademark blue fishing bottle? ya that one.

Anyway, there i was walking around level one, looking for the camping shop that sells the bottles, and i past the laksa place, and the aromas just hit me, and then, the that bottled up desire started to rise. OH man! Alas and alack, i cannot eat laksa for another two months ): I think it'll be one of the first things i'll eat once season is over, which will be soon. And when we win, i'll take my medal and go and enjoy some katong laksa.

put oh, the dieting annoyances of season. blah. i wish i was like slim.. and with a monster of a metabolic system. Of course i have one.. just you know a better one.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson

I really this quote. Often we view ourselves with such a low image that we need to bend down just to see it, discrediting our talents and abilities, our God-given talents and abilities, we constantly bury them in the sand like the third worker who felt his ability was not up to standard. God isn't too happy about that though, after all, if these talents did come from him, they cannot be bad, they can only be good, since after all God is infinite goodness, and we are his children, his creations.

When we doubt our abilities, we are not just hurting the one who gave them to us, but we are also hurting ourselves because we will never actually witness the power of our potential. It will forever remain exactly as that, potential. Since when you do something with the goal of failing in mind, you will definitely reach that goal. After all, failing is a rather easy goal to achieve, it is simple and tempts with laziness. where we could have done ten questions for example, we do 5 instead, citing inability as the excuse for our failings, knowing full well that this is not true.

When we do anything in life, time only offers you one opportunity. Anyone who tells you otherwise is misinformed. For the window for that opportunity to archieve or complete or partake in it in that timeframe and period with those people, or circumstances only comes once in your life. This is simply since time while a relative concept, happens to flow only in one direction. We can never go back to it. A wise priest named Fr. Keane, once told me: Why live in the past? it is over, you do not exist there. Why live in the future? it has not began yet. But you exist in the present, here and now. So you should make the best of it and live. CS Lewis too argues this in his Screwtape Letters, citing that the past is a solid concept, it is over and cannot be changed. The future is fluid, changeable, wieldable, malleable, it is full of infinite possiblity and that is where the devil might now tempt us. After all it is full of success, scary success and that is where we fall. We fail becuase we are scared to achieve such glory, we are scared of becoming that person.

Inasmuch as we are afraid to succeed, we will surely fail. After all that is the logical goal. And this fear of success can be seen in all our lives. We are scared to know God more, because we are scared of who we will become, we are scared to achieve are dreams, because we will become someone that is beyond our current idea of ourselves. And this fear is stemmed from risk. We are putting ourselves at risk the minute we decide to achieve our goals, we are making ourselves vulnerable to forces beyond our control, we have left the coach and tv and actually gone out into the world. We have just left our comfort zone. However, we know we are not alone, for God will never give us a task so daunting and so difficult that we will not be able to achieve it, for he only gives us what we are capable of. It is because of this that we know we will have a companion always on the journey, for God is always with us and he is the almighty and all powerful, so we should trust in him. After all, Jesus said 'For humans it is impossible, but with God all things are possible' (matt. 19:26)

In the end, we have no excuse not to succeed in life and give God the glory with the talents he has bestowed upon us, save the ones that we create and give ourselves. So what have you done to best use your talents?

i am free.

sa·cred [sey-krid]
–adjective 1. devoted or dedicated to a deity or to some religious purpose; consecrated.
2. entitled to veneration or religious respect by association with divinity or divine things; holy.
3. pertaining to or connected with religion (opposed to secular or profane): sacred music; sacred books.
4. reverently dedicated to some person, purpose, or object: a morning hour sacred to study.
5. regarded with reverence: the sacred memory of a dead hero.
6. secured against violation, infringement, etc., as by reverence or sense of right: sacred oaths; sacred rights.
7. properly immune from violence, interference, etc., as a person or office

of all the words for that could have stumped me in vocab, it had to be the one which is used almost in daily life. 3 days till math. i can get a B. i just need to finish all the questions. ):

we'll come back and you'll taste your blood.

21-18

you might have won this time by a damn cheap last minute try, but i guarrantee we'll back and next time it'll be worst. Hope you feel lucky today punks.

in other news, today was the first day that the j1 babies trashed their colours of benniton and donned the supreme colours of anglo-chinese junior college. i must say they looked so mature and smart in their new uniforms. i'm sure kelvyna told them that too. i wouldn't know, i missed assembly and many periods ):.

sigh i feel so old. and i was enjoying the colour. oh well.

tired world.

so unfit, so tired, so uninspired.
sometimes i wonder how i pull through, everytime i keep wasting my time doing things online, when i should be mugging, every single minute. yet, i'm talking to friends, checking out facebook and stuff.

terms are coming, just around the corner, hiding, lying in wait. i know it's there, that's the best part, it's an easy kill, yet i'm not working towards it. it should be no problem for me to get a B grade average, but i don't feel i'm doing enough work, i don't feel there's enough time to practice. i wish i could just pon school the whole week and study at home, but that won't help much, plus i won't get to play ib on wed. blah..

mugmugmug

life.

day in day out,
a trek through the wilderness
of life, threaded without sign or clue.
lost in the very heads of maybe or if,
the very thoughts strain their myths,
like surreal dreams they dance and play,
beyond blurry darkness, they lift
the mood, making it gay.
of course for the thought to count,
the nightmare must return to sea,
sunk'd and buried, stiff and blunted
and inaccessible to thee.
yet, the nightmare is real.
it is reality,
the dream can only fade...
so day in day out,
a mask is worn on the journey,
it protects the scars from further harm,
the wearer from the gourney,
from the fluid that embalms.
he becomes cold and distant,
it is the mask he wears.
misunderstood and forgotten, a silent war is there,
and the weight of his world he bears.
a tear falls down his cheek,
first of many like rain will fall,
all hidden by his great mask.
will they ever see in at all?

Pain
Three Day's Grace

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

i hate having AS

i just realized it. it's like someone suddenly flicked on the light bulb and went BLAM! haha. you suck.

i know why how my crushes develop, i don't know if it's a good thing, but it certainly is annoying, and it all stems from having an abnormal brain. the same one that doesn't let me go to sleep at night and keeps me analysing things until my brain fries, the one that won't let me have friend

like i've said before, all crushes start from a thought, a thought which is then explored, and toyed with more and more, and blam before you know it, you're hooked. Now for my case, imagine that your mind is forever thinking, connecting, linking, playing, manipulating, imagining. Then throw in the thought about a girl who more or less fits your mind's idea of an appealing, then hit the overdrive button. and ta-da, 9 month crush on a girl i don't know, and with whom my chances are screwed. This is the same story with Frances.

it is so sad. I hate being locked up in my head, being ostracised for just being me, discriminated for being different and weird, and unable to persue proper relationships with other people who fail to intellectually stimulate me. Which is more or less 95% of the world out there. I thrive during educational discussion because i love the stimulation, and it's so with a lot of other aspies out there. yet i can't talk about boring things, mundane, unnecessary, redundant things.

why?

A Kenotic Moment.

I sit here again, a year gone by.
As though I were frozen in time,
caught in dereliction.
the dead rose withered by my feet,
red blackened petals like shattered sheets
amid the hues of the sunset speak
troubled troubled times,
here this red sky in the morning,
a clear warning.

the little giant girl, she took her leave,
now along the trails, amidst the reefs,
her story story sunken to the depths of the sea
her eyes, her precious eyes,
a cadged glow withered now, so silently.
along the ridge, the fishes swim,
they are old and weary, thin and dreary
a beggar would pass this off (wouldn't take it on a limb)
this idea grows cold.
long and forgot, it beckons not
the lost and the thought
falters stops and dies.

i have no more energy to seek this chase,
a hope grows so shallow,
(a thin thread to hang onto)
here the accursed grey box grows heavy,
so apt proportionately abnormal,
it was charged no levy
to enter the world,
this curse of kenosis.
in the shadow of friends. (do i spend enough time?)
the world holds persistant its stance.

oh accursed me.
all the wrong i have done,
all subconsciously, all unknown,
no recompense can be given knowingly.
i want to change. (rid myself of me)
so tacitly, in turn so desperately,
yet the wait holds out like wolves in winter.
the snow covers all identity.
it's all grey.

shot dead by the treehouse.

i hate my life, i'm so lost and so annoyed. nothing ever seems to work. either i'm greatly disillusioned or i'm so bloody useless. why? why am i so bloody useless. I can't manage time, i can't even get enough sleep so i don't fall asleep during my classes, though it wouldn't matter since i can't even pass them. I failed chem. This is the first time in the last one year that i have failed chem. i failed it, and rightfully so. i lacked the practice, it's always that. then the stupid teacher had to go and humiliate me in the front of the whole class, that i'm not getting enough brain food, i need brand's chicken essence, which she kindly whipped out of her a bag there and then. how thoughtful. gee thanks. I'm already so pissed off at myself for losing so many damn marks for carelessness, and stupidity and nodding off during the damned thing.

it doesn't help today is valentine's day. a reminder that i'm unable to hold a relationship with the rest of the normal world. i hate it, i really hate it. i hate myself, that i'm so unfriendly and unsocialable that i can't even keep simple relationships with classmates. ya, i'm a bastard. too bad. somedays i just want to be mean and really hateful, say the most cynical snide things, be the jerk that they see me for, an asshole and put them down so bad. maybe i already am. that's why they stay away far far from me. it's always the same. i wonder if it'll ever change. i wonder if i'll ever change. where will i find acceptance?

what good am i for? can't score on paper, can't play sports, can't play games, can't hold friends..what good am i?

sometimes, a lot of times i wonder what would have happened if i went somewhere else, did something else, would it all be different, would i be accepted? then i think again, all these thoughts, the are so colourful, so lush, so green, so nice, yet the reek of a heavy stench, the foul path of escapism. sometimes it's just so hard to appreciate what i have here, now. i wonder why i suffer from all these damn problems.. i wonder where is the mask that i put on, or has it really become me?

so hard this life is.

sometimes i just want to crawl into a hole and be buried.
i wonder why i do it sometimes, i've lost my hold on life and now i'm being dragged through this ocean like a piece of fish upon a fishing line dragged through the current to the ruthless fisherman awaiting lunch. i could swim my own path, instead of being dragged through the life.
a foot hold, so i can enjoy life as it comes.. i wonder why it has to be so fast paced? life should be slow and sipped and savoured liked a good wine.

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit.

and it's filled with people who are filled with shit
and the vermin of the world inhabit it,
but not for long....

and you all should've watched.
if you haven't go now. they cut out scenes though, the singapore side that is. ): it could have been longer too, if they had used all the songs.

i think the most erie thing about the movie is that i watched without care of concern for the vicious killings. a classic revenge tragedy it was. as for the killings, the murder, there were no qualms, it was so...normal. do i have a serial killer in me?

while i highly doubt it, it's still dredging thought, i can watch hannibal and feel for the boy, despite his madness, i watched dexter and feel a connection with his inability to connect with society, his need for killing and violence, the mask which he puts on and hides his face. I do it too, it's an automatic response, when confronted with especially strangers, the small talk awakens, i laugh at their ill attempts at jokes and silly remarks and later i wonder why i did all that.

and i'm happy that this year i'm less dreadful of the day that love was commercialised and commodified. There's no Hweeyi to make me dread the day and be full of regret. Though i still wonder what i saw in here, that sparked a silly forest fire? yet, I'm sad, another year will go by, and i'll be trapped in another circle, no dinner on the night, no outing for me. a date with books is all i'll have most probably. maybe a miracle will happen who knows. for now i'll be looking for a candle holder and a good sandwiche.. we'll probably be at it the whole night...

twisted new year

i don't understand why i'm so emo this new year, i've just spent every free moment, breaking from hongbao collecting by surfing flickr. look through brilliant photos, looking for groups to join, hoping in vain for more people to look at my pictures. The other half of the free time spent on MSN pining for conversation. I must admit i'm feeling totally melancholic right now. i don't know why.

all the unkept promises. where's my run today, how bout my homework, revision. the computer is evil. i need to clearly get rid of it.
hanging on by a thread....

i hate you, my dear soul.

i'm so lost and frustrated... i want to go out and have fun and just be around the people i care for, but i can't find them anywhere. i wonder where they all disappeared to. they suddenly left me, and i hate this feeling, it erodes my soul, and destroys my core. I feel so vulnerable, so alone in this cage, with an unfulfilling cadge. the superficiality just eats me.

where did you go?

I wonder sometimes if i drown myself in all my hobbies to get rid of this feeling of loneliness. God is supposed to be here with me at all times, i'm told, i'm not supposed to be alone. I'm never alone. But yet i don't know, why i feel this way.. it's frustrating, why do i have to be the one with mental disorder, the one to have the asperger's and then be a very social creature.

I don't know why i'm complaining, He doesn't give us anything more than we can handle. It's just hard i want to run away sometimes.. just run and run and run. But there's no where i can hide, i'll just be alone, with no one in this world. Just God watching me from a far...

where will i go...?

pre-existent woes.

Hello world. No, i'm not dead yet. Though i have been miserably tired. I have had many things to tell you, but unfortunately never the energy to execute the previously mentioned ideas and issues.

essentially, another year has gone by, and once again i'm at the entrance the road called lent. A much dreaded path, because Lent is a season of sacrifice, or most commonly associated with sacrifice. It is a time of preparation, of discipline and almsgiving and a time for spiritual growth. And it is bloody hard. Around the world millions of ladies are planning to try and give up chocolate, or some men will try and not get drunk. i don't know, don't really care. I'm going to give up food, or rather i'm going to take up the lifestyle of simplicity.

The hard road of simplicity is difficult and harsh for someone like me, who thrives on complicated philosophical problems, and analysing rubbish everyday, and who loves good food. I loove good food, but lent is of time of discipline. I'm going to see what I can do, with my eyes closes, crawling along a line, with God behind me and see if I can finish this lent without breaking my diet. Which would essentially be porridge, bread and water or homecooked food. No resturants, no coke, no soft drinks no no.

Discipline, it's something so essential to balance my chaotic impulsive life. Something, i will reluctantly admit to lacking, in everything i do. I have integrity in life, but without discipline to enforce it, it means nothing. It's disappointing to me that I'm slipping back into my irresponsible ways of not handing up work on time and being late for school, which is 3 times in the last two weeks. All these unacceptable things. Discipline follows you around everywhere you go like the words of your nagging mother, you can't run away. It's the differences between the geniuses and the smart-asses who hang out at bars talking junk all day. It's what makes those muscle-bound warriors big and those fat idiots in the gyming trying to get big.

time to get mentally tough.

the other thing bugging me is bgr. ol' valentine's favorite topic. why do i think about it? i realize i don't really care for a relationship, i just want company, why do i love for a specific company? what is with humans seeking out one person to hang out with all the time, one specific person, it gets so boring...i guess. I wouldn't know. it wouldn't matter. I don't want to get attached, logically, it's a really bad time, in the midst of a major year, it's a huge risk to take. Yet another part of me longs for companionship. It seems so weird, so strange. why?

i have a lonely life. Another feburary, alone at home, in the books.

all the rain that falls on your couch

it's a horrid day, fitness lacking, sleep lacking.
i honestly wonder how things will be. where is He leading me?
will i make it? sometimes its just so hard to believe. to believe in me and my abilities.
two weeeks to aquire an iota of match fitness should i even want to partake in preseason games.
one week till chem ca, two to math and bio.
there is no more sociality is gone from my life. i suppose i should be thankful for being such an antisocial creature and just fade to white. there's no reason to find love this year, no need to, no reason for friends or fun.
harsh is this winter solace.

oh i hate this memory of mine.
so vividly you remain in my mind for me to see. i question why.
but now the voices speak again, finally they speak night and day. so i can relish i can finally write again. but can i catch them in the act, to that matter will i be able to cipher their meaning.

and as i question i wonder so many meanings. philosophy is beginning to errode my head.

when do i come and kill you?

my mind is returning to it's forgotten state of unbridled insanity. my long lost vation away from the world. i'm happy. the voices are talking to me again. the words are flowing, thoughts are on their never ending journeys across neurons. finally i can write again. but, nothing makes sense. it's as if sense is lost amongst those in a world where nonsense will reign.

my computer is plagued by virtual infection. much to my vexation, i can't even back up my last three years of life.

konbeki no umi ni ukanda kimi ni

it's midnight, and i'm sitting here with ammonnia fumes rushing into my eyes. my hair once again is it's natural jet black. washing off the dye, and watching the chemicals pour down from my hands, watching them run off down the drain like dripping blue blood, washing away...i'm wondering when i will wash the invisible blood from my hands. away... so far far away.

this stupid dye is so expensive and it's the second time this month that i've had to dye my hair. i spend way too much time in the sun. i'm wondering then, why won't they just let me leave it as it is. why can't they just let me be me? instead they force into a mould that i definitely do not fit. a mould in a uniform, emblazened with a badge, an identity to uphold. yet, it's not mine. that identity with it's little leeways and tolerances results in a boy in white and navy blue, with short neat hair, and shirt neatly ironed and tucked in. a studious cadence surrounds his submissive face. he is never late, never rude, never loud or obnoxious, forever surrounded by other clones.

of course reality detracts from ideality. but yet the mould now allows for a weird range of characters, the good, the bad, and the rugby sort. the ones that get made fun of in the staff room and used as a scapegoat for mischief in the school. when people use the things that surround in order to organize you and compartmentalize you into a system inorder to familiarize and therefore judge you before knowing you. you become everything you're not.

so where am i? what am i? the boy. the rugger. the photographer. the thinker. the writer. the actor. the artist. the scientist. the doctor. what good are these terms to me. the only one that makes sense is the misanthrope.

i don't care about people, i don't care for their thoughts or opinions, even less the ones in relation to me. i'm not here to be liked, i don't want to be liked. even if i did, who would like me? it is liberating, to finally say it. i can do what i want, say what i want, be where i want. no one would care. eccentricity, it's been used to describe me before, weird to those whom verbosity is beyond their short reach. i have no expectations except to be -- eccentric. isn't that lovely?

but surely you wonder, as if you even care, what is the cost? i'll never be part of what they call society. what does that mean? no parties, no hang outs, no large groups of friends. you'd never be able to live without that clique which sustained you in the last two years. you depend on them, you live for them, pondering every other moment till you see them next, and on which occasion, they refresh you, give you life, until they depart once more. insomuch that it shows you where your life revolves. such a concept is alien to me. you are alien to me.

you'll hate me, from the first minute, i'm unfamiliar. that's alright. i don't care. i can't be bothered.

and now back to math.

New year's day.

welcome to the new year kids.
It is the eight year of the second millenia, Anno Domine.
I wonder if it will be fruitful, if it will be good? i wonder so many things, i wonder whether i will be here next year to post again, here this very day next year. I wonder whether my A levels will end in failure or in exuberant triumph. I wonder how goes all the things i set off this year, will they take to fruition, and will their consequences be good or bad? I wonder how many people will i lose this year? I hope none. The future is too fluid, so I should live here and now.

I took my kids, the sister and the brother, and we met up with Anne and later Aloy and his friend kev to watch the annual fireworks at Marina Bay. Not just to 'oooh' and 'ahhh' but to document our new year's escapade. Well you can see the mistake. Too long an exposure, but even the mistakes look alright.
We all had a really good time and I met quite a few really cool photographers, though i am so embaressed that I had a tripod that should have belonged to some idiot with a compact. Everyone else's tripod looked they could survive a hurricane, mine.. would probably be blown over by a butterfly ): Could i get any poorer? sigh. I swear i'll never have any money as a working citizen. Too expensive hobbies.

Strangely, most ironically, I was wondering who I'd meet that I knew here on the geek side of the bay. God who seems to love to inject his humor into my life made me spot who just as we were leaving..who else but HER. I suppose lord, this is one of those, in ten years time we'll be laughing at it over a keg of beer or something right? Though there isn't much to say, since she saw me, and decided to pretend she didn't see me, rotating a 180 degrees, hoping that her 5'9" frame would suddenly disappear from my view. Silly girl, don't you know i'm a photographer? I see all.. well since you decided to pretend i was there, i guess i couldn't have been right. Guess, i can't blame you for your aversion, though i find it disappointed you turned out to be such a person. Anyway i bumped into Ian and Noel as well. some consolation, they were with her anyway. meh.

We ditched Anne at the subway. rather she ditched us. then we headed to Newton for some supper and chill time. A plate of chay tow kuay later, we were joined by Tissue Rajah for some of the best entertainment of the new year! This guy is just a guy selling tissue in Newton Hawker Center, but he can say happy new year in 4 languages and a dialect! and he can speak in at leaast 3 of those! Can you? And he was so nice too, told us jokes and entertained us with his tricky lateral puzzles. It just goes to show, you can never pass anyone off! no matter how low on the social foodchain they are, they are still our brethren, our people, God's children. It took a protestant to remind about that. I was gonna brush him off, like i do all these tissue paper sellers. Now i'll never do that again. there's really more in this world than meets the eye.

And i thought my life would have thought me that, all those people who just pass me by, day by day, on account of eccentricity and weirdness. like hwy, their loss is all i can say.

LIVE LONG!

and here's the new school year. I may not be able to catch shut eye, but heck! I'm excited, and full of dread.