A Kenotic Moment.

I sit here again, a year gone by.
As though I were frozen in time,
caught in dereliction.
the dead rose withered by my feet,
red blackened petals like shattered sheets
amid the hues of the sunset speak
troubled troubled times,
here this red sky in the morning,
a clear warning.

the little giant girl, she took her leave,
now along the trails, amidst the reefs,
her story story sunken to the depths of the sea
her eyes, her precious eyes,
a cadged glow withered now, so silently.
along the ridge, the fishes swim,
they are old and weary, thin and dreary
a beggar would pass this off (wouldn't take it on a limb)
this idea grows cold.
long and forgot, it beckons not
the lost and the thought
falters stops and dies.

i have no more energy to seek this chase,
a hope grows so shallow,
(a thin thread to hang onto)
here the accursed grey box grows heavy,
so apt proportionately abnormal,
it was charged no levy
to enter the world,
this curse of kenosis.
in the shadow of friends. (do i spend enough time?)
the world holds persistant its stance.

oh accursed me.
all the wrong i have done,
all subconsciously, all unknown,
no recompense can be given knowingly.
i want to change. (rid myself of me)
so tacitly, in turn so desperately,
yet the wait holds out like wolves in winter.
the snow covers all identity.
it's all grey.

shot dead by the treehouse.

i hate my life, i'm so lost and so annoyed. nothing ever seems to work. either i'm greatly disillusioned or i'm so bloody useless. why? why am i so bloody useless. I can't manage time, i can't even get enough sleep so i don't fall asleep during my classes, though it wouldn't matter since i can't even pass them. I failed chem. This is the first time in the last one year that i have failed chem. i failed it, and rightfully so. i lacked the practice, it's always that. then the stupid teacher had to go and humiliate me in the front of the whole class, that i'm not getting enough brain food, i need brand's chicken essence, which she kindly whipped out of her a bag there and then. how thoughtful. gee thanks. I'm already so pissed off at myself for losing so many damn marks for carelessness, and stupidity and nodding off during the damned thing.

it doesn't help today is valentine's day. a reminder that i'm unable to hold a relationship with the rest of the normal world. i hate it, i really hate it. i hate myself, that i'm so unfriendly and unsocialable that i can't even keep simple relationships with classmates. ya, i'm a bastard. too bad. somedays i just want to be mean and really hateful, say the most cynical snide things, be the jerk that they see me for, an asshole and put them down so bad. maybe i already am. that's why they stay away far far from me. it's always the same. i wonder if it'll ever change. i wonder if i'll ever change. where will i find acceptance?

what good am i for? can't score on paper, can't play sports, can't play games, can't hold friends..what good am i?

sometimes, a lot of times i wonder what would have happened if i went somewhere else, did something else, would it all be different, would i be accepted? then i think again, all these thoughts, the are so colourful, so lush, so green, so nice, yet the reek of a heavy stench, the foul path of escapism. sometimes it's just so hard to appreciate what i have here, now. i wonder why i suffer from all these damn problems.. i wonder where is the mask that i put on, or has it really become me?

so hard this life is.

sometimes i just want to crawl into a hole and be buried.
i wonder why i do it sometimes, i've lost my hold on life and now i'm being dragged through this ocean like a piece of fish upon a fishing line dragged through the current to the ruthless fisherman awaiting lunch. i could swim my own path, instead of being dragged through the life.
a foot hold, so i can enjoy life as it comes.. i wonder why it has to be so fast paced? life should be slow and sipped and savoured liked a good wine.

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit.

and it's filled with people who are filled with shit
and the vermin of the world inhabit it,
but not for long....

and you all should've watched.
if you haven't go now. they cut out scenes though, the singapore side that is. ): it could have been longer too, if they had used all the songs.

i think the most erie thing about the movie is that i watched without care of concern for the vicious killings. a classic revenge tragedy it was. as for the killings, the murder, there were no qualms, it was so...normal. do i have a serial killer in me?

while i highly doubt it, it's still dredging thought, i can watch hannibal and feel for the boy, despite his madness, i watched dexter and feel a connection with his inability to connect with society, his need for killing and violence, the mask which he puts on and hides his face. I do it too, it's an automatic response, when confronted with especially strangers, the small talk awakens, i laugh at their ill attempts at jokes and silly remarks and later i wonder why i did all that.

and i'm happy that this year i'm less dreadful of the day that love was commercialised and commodified. There's no Hweeyi to make me dread the day and be full of regret. Though i still wonder what i saw in here, that sparked a silly forest fire? yet, I'm sad, another year will go by, and i'll be trapped in another circle, no dinner on the night, no outing for me. a date with books is all i'll have most probably. maybe a miracle will happen who knows. for now i'll be looking for a candle holder and a good sandwiche.. we'll probably be at it the whole night...

twisted new year

i don't understand why i'm so emo this new year, i've just spent every free moment, breaking from hongbao collecting by surfing flickr. look through brilliant photos, looking for groups to join, hoping in vain for more people to look at my pictures. The other half of the free time spent on MSN pining for conversation. I must admit i'm feeling totally melancholic right now. i don't know why.

all the unkept promises. where's my run today, how bout my homework, revision. the computer is evil. i need to clearly get rid of it.
hanging on by a thread....

i hate you, my dear soul.

i'm so lost and frustrated... i want to go out and have fun and just be around the people i care for, but i can't find them anywhere. i wonder where they all disappeared to. they suddenly left me, and i hate this feeling, it erodes my soul, and destroys my core. I feel so vulnerable, so alone in this cage, with an unfulfilling cadge. the superficiality just eats me.

where did you go?

I wonder sometimes if i drown myself in all my hobbies to get rid of this feeling of loneliness. God is supposed to be here with me at all times, i'm told, i'm not supposed to be alone. I'm never alone. But yet i don't know, why i feel this way.. it's frustrating, why do i have to be the one with mental disorder, the one to have the asperger's and then be a very social creature.

I don't know why i'm complaining, He doesn't give us anything more than we can handle. It's just hard i want to run away sometimes.. just run and run and run. But there's no where i can hide, i'll just be alone, with no one in this world. Just God watching me from a far...

where will i go...?

pre-existent woes.

Hello world. No, i'm not dead yet. Though i have been miserably tired. I have had many things to tell you, but unfortunately never the energy to execute the previously mentioned ideas and issues.

essentially, another year has gone by, and once again i'm at the entrance the road called lent. A much dreaded path, because Lent is a season of sacrifice, or most commonly associated with sacrifice. It is a time of preparation, of discipline and almsgiving and a time for spiritual growth. And it is bloody hard. Around the world millions of ladies are planning to try and give up chocolate, or some men will try and not get drunk. i don't know, don't really care. I'm going to give up food, or rather i'm going to take up the lifestyle of simplicity.

The hard road of simplicity is difficult and harsh for someone like me, who thrives on complicated philosophical problems, and analysing rubbish everyday, and who loves good food. I loove good food, but lent is of time of discipline. I'm going to see what I can do, with my eyes closes, crawling along a line, with God behind me and see if I can finish this lent without breaking my diet. Which would essentially be porridge, bread and water or homecooked food. No resturants, no coke, no soft drinks no no.

Discipline, it's something so essential to balance my chaotic impulsive life. Something, i will reluctantly admit to lacking, in everything i do. I have integrity in life, but without discipline to enforce it, it means nothing. It's disappointing to me that I'm slipping back into my irresponsible ways of not handing up work on time and being late for school, which is 3 times in the last two weeks. All these unacceptable things. Discipline follows you around everywhere you go like the words of your nagging mother, you can't run away. It's the differences between the geniuses and the smart-asses who hang out at bars talking junk all day. It's what makes those muscle-bound warriors big and those fat idiots in the gyming trying to get big.

time to get mentally tough.

the other thing bugging me is bgr. ol' valentine's favorite topic. why do i think about it? i realize i don't really care for a relationship, i just want company, why do i love for a specific company? what is with humans seeking out one person to hang out with all the time, one specific person, it gets so boring...i guess. I wouldn't know. it wouldn't matter. I don't want to get attached, logically, it's a really bad time, in the midst of a major year, it's a huge risk to take. Yet another part of me longs for companionship. It seems so weird, so strange. why?

i have a lonely life. Another feburary, alone at home, in the books.

all the rain that falls on your couch

it's a horrid day, fitness lacking, sleep lacking.
i honestly wonder how things will be. where is He leading me?
will i make it? sometimes its just so hard to believe. to believe in me and my abilities.
two weeeks to aquire an iota of match fitness should i even want to partake in preseason games.
one week till chem ca, two to math and bio.
there is no more sociality is gone from my life. i suppose i should be thankful for being such an antisocial creature and just fade to white. there's no reason to find love this year, no need to, no reason for friends or fun.
harsh is this winter solace.

oh i hate this memory of mine.
so vividly you remain in my mind for me to see. i question why.
but now the voices speak again, finally they speak night and day. so i can relish i can finally write again. but can i catch them in the act, to that matter will i be able to cipher their meaning.

and as i question i wonder so many meanings. philosophy is beginning to errode my head.

when do i come and kill you?

my mind is returning to it's forgotten state of unbridled insanity. my long lost vation away from the world. i'm happy. the voices are talking to me again. the words are flowing, thoughts are on their never ending journeys across neurons. finally i can write again. but, nothing makes sense. it's as if sense is lost amongst those in a world where nonsense will reign.

my computer is plagued by virtual infection. much to my vexation, i can't even back up my last three years of life.

konbeki no umi ni ukanda kimi ni

it's midnight, and i'm sitting here with ammonnia fumes rushing into my eyes. my hair once again is it's natural jet black. washing off the dye, and watching the chemicals pour down from my hands, watching them run off down the drain like dripping blue blood, washing away...i'm wondering when i will wash the invisible blood from my hands. away... so far far away.

this stupid dye is so expensive and it's the second time this month that i've had to dye my hair. i spend way too much time in the sun. i'm wondering then, why won't they just let me leave it as it is. why can't they just let me be me? instead they force into a mould that i definitely do not fit. a mould in a uniform, emblazened with a badge, an identity to uphold. yet, it's not mine. that identity with it's little leeways and tolerances results in a boy in white and navy blue, with short neat hair, and shirt neatly ironed and tucked in. a studious cadence surrounds his submissive face. he is never late, never rude, never loud or obnoxious, forever surrounded by other clones.

of course reality detracts from ideality. but yet the mould now allows for a weird range of characters, the good, the bad, and the rugby sort. the ones that get made fun of in the staff room and used as a scapegoat for mischief in the school. when people use the things that surround in order to organize you and compartmentalize you into a system inorder to familiarize and therefore judge you before knowing you. you become everything you're not.

so where am i? what am i? the boy. the rugger. the photographer. the thinker. the writer. the actor. the artist. the scientist. the doctor. what good are these terms to me. the only one that makes sense is the misanthrope.

i don't care about people, i don't care for their thoughts or opinions, even less the ones in relation to me. i'm not here to be liked, i don't want to be liked. even if i did, who would like me? it is liberating, to finally say it. i can do what i want, say what i want, be where i want. no one would care. eccentricity, it's been used to describe me before, weird to those whom verbosity is beyond their short reach. i have no expectations except to be -- eccentric. isn't that lovely?

but surely you wonder, as if you even care, what is the cost? i'll never be part of what they call society. what does that mean? no parties, no hang outs, no large groups of friends. you'd never be able to live without that clique which sustained you in the last two years. you depend on them, you live for them, pondering every other moment till you see them next, and on which occasion, they refresh you, give you life, until they depart once more. insomuch that it shows you where your life revolves. such a concept is alien to me. you are alien to me.

you'll hate me, from the first minute, i'm unfamiliar. that's alright. i don't care. i can't be bothered.

and now back to math.

New year's day.

welcome to the new year kids.
It is the eight year of the second millenia, Anno Domine.
I wonder if it will be fruitful, if it will be good? i wonder so many things, i wonder whether i will be here next year to post again, here this very day next year. I wonder whether my A levels will end in failure or in exuberant triumph. I wonder how goes all the things i set off this year, will they take to fruition, and will their consequences be good or bad? I wonder how many people will i lose this year? I hope none. The future is too fluid, so I should live here and now.

I took my kids, the sister and the brother, and we met up with Anne and later Aloy and his friend kev to watch the annual fireworks at Marina Bay. Not just to 'oooh' and 'ahhh' but to document our new year's escapade. Well you can see the mistake. Too long an exposure, but even the mistakes look alright.
We all had a really good time and I met quite a few really cool photographers, though i am so embaressed that I had a tripod that should have belonged to some idiot with a compact. Everyone else's tripod looked they could survive a hurricane, mine.. would probably be blown over by a butterfly ): Could i get any poorer? sigh. I swear i'll never have any money as a working citizen. Too expensive hobbies.

Strangely, most ironically, I was wondering who I'd meet that I knew here on the geek side of the bay. God who seems to love to inject his humor into my life made me spot who just as we were leaving..who else but HER. I suppose lord, this is one of those, in ten years time we'll be laughing at it over a keg of beer or something right? Though there isn't much to say, since she saw me, and decided to pretend she didn't see me, rotating a 180 degrees, hoping that her 5'9" frame would suddenly disappear from my view. Silly girl, don't you know i'm a photographer? I see all.. well since you decided to pretend i was there, i guess i couldn't have been right. Guess, i can't blame you for your aversion, though i find it disappointed you turned out to be such a person. Anyway i bumped into Ian and Noel as well. some consolation, they were with her anyway. meh.

We ditched Anne at the subway. rather she ditched us. then we headed to Newton for some supper and chill time. A plate of chay tow kuay later, we were joined by Tissue Rajah for some of the best entertainment of the new year! This guy is just a guy selling tissue in Newton Hawker Center, but he can say happy new year in 4 languages and a dialect! and he can speak in at leaast 3 of those! Can you? And he was so nice too, told us jokes and entertained us with his tricky lateral puzzles. It just goes to show, you can never pass anyone off! no matter how low on the social foodchain they are, they are still our brethren, our people, God's children. It took a protestant to remind about that. I was gonna brush him off, like i do all these tissue paper sellers. Now i'll never do that again. there's really more in this world than meets the eye.

And i thought my life would have thought me that, all those people who just pass me by, day by day, on account of eccentricity and weirdness. like hwy, their loss is all i can say.

LIVE LONG!

and here's the new school year. I may not be able to catch shut eye, but heck! I'm excited, and full of dread.

photographic insanity.

i have just spent the better part of 2 days and nights researching cameras and photography material. geez louise. i stayed up all night reading up on my beloved D3! as well some himalayan medical problems you might encounted at high altitudes. high altitude pulmonary edema anyone? or third degree frostbite..

let the impulsivity begin! i actually am tolerating thoughts of a possible explorational in the world of mounteering, take it up through the year, cimb k2 after As, enter into NS as an icecube. though that might not be possible thanks to the moonsoon season and blistering snow storms. apparently peek everest traffic is during may, when moonsoon season is gone. of course all these ideas which result in delusions of grandeur, also result in bills of grandeur, which result in solutions of grandeur. while you get the point. i had this bright idea that maybe i could find a scientific exploration team heading up to everest peak or something, and tag along as the photographer's intern(and pray to the lord, nikon sponsored them with D3s.. canons are icky)

omt all my delusions somehow have photography in it. i'm going insane, i found my dad's old f-801, the camera i was nurtured on. think camwhoring before it was hip. still has seven exposures left in it. i wonder how old the film is? it's like scary to think that i haven't used it since sec 4 or so and i know it's a kodak iso100 film. david loves his iso100. and i was only looking through the dry box for a prime lense or something. i really don't mind moving back into manual photography or film. i love the focusing on the subject and not the camera. i admit it's cool to preview your photos, but there's no point really, since on stupid 1.5" screen i can't see anything and everything appears darker than it usually is. oh photo-bable-ness. what am i going to do.

i have made approximate estimations to GUESTIMATE(it's a real word folks) how much a D3 will cost me.
roughly $11,000. beat that! my dream alienware computer didn't even come close to that.(try it, go to www.alienware.com and customize your computer to the way you want it)
D3 body, $7500 smackers.
3 new 8gb sandisk extreme IV cards 900 thereabouts. nothing beats sandisk for CF, the d3 has a dual cf slot, so one cf's gotta have company..
2 or 3 new lenses. a 50mm prime and the new 24-70 sounds good costing many monies. camera is full frame after all.. my d70kit lense is dx and won't work it...very well.
a new harddrive. at least 320gb ext. $150 i heard.
portable camera harddrive. the damn thing guzzles megabytes like irish do guiness. i read somewhere each raw file is huge at least 8 times the size of my current files. and i only have 20gb left on my damn comp..
and i might as well throw in a imac. imaging goodness.

or i could just spend half the price and get into the film medium format biz.. that's another option medium format film is more or less 50megapixels, and more worth it for the type of work i like to do, portraits and abstract stills. not sports. though it fails in flexibility for spontaneity required for spur of the moment portraits or wildlife. it's a studio camera. duh. dad i want a medium format hasselblad. i gonna get smacked.

for all of you who have no clue of what i speak/type. head down to plaza singapura, check level 3 or 4, they have medium format camera shop there. if i'm not wrong, my iedetic memory says they have quite a good display of what looks likes mamiya cameras. you'll never afford one but do take a look. they have a few hasselblads too. many many thousands of dollars. but hey, you gotta spend money to spend more money after all. look at doctors, operating theatres don't come cheap and neither do scapels, clamps, those huge bright lights, and the sterile needles that sew you up.

anyway i digress, a lot. there's a hasselblad h3d, on ebay at 42 grand. 39megapixel goodness. sheer madness, i wonder what the file size for a raw would be. i'd hate to wonder what large format digitals cost. professionality is really exclusively maddening.

the time, training, and experience required to specialize. the amount of time then required to become recognised. see it's really important to choose the right career before you get sucked into that downward spiral of exclusivity. A doctor has no more time to retrain(you're nearly 30 by the time you get your speciality).

i hate this hyperfocused. i'm so engrossed, i only stopped reading and reading to eat tea and lunch today, and i have yet to even glance through any of the books i've been given. the founding pap members and jamie are still in their plastic wrappings and the bartending book hasn't been thumbed. sheesh i'm going crazy. CRAZY I SAY. oh god it's almost morning

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

11 days of christmas left. WOOT.

And i have found someone to fantansize over. YES i have a new love. OML and she's been kidnapped! the horror! What am i going to do ): nikon called last night admitted to the kidnapping, they're holding my poor girl hostage at a ransom of $7500. ): Oh dear D3 whatever am i going to do?

she's a milestone in nikon digital photography. my d70 is like some pre-neanderthal standing next to her.

FULL FRAME/12.2MP = WIN

not to mention the HIGH ISO NOISE CONTROL, you should see the sample pictures on nikon's website, up to ISO 6400, it looks like film grain! so sharp and clear. and it can go to 256,400! and at that iso it looks like my damn camera at ISO 800..oh deep deep sigh. I should just go back to film. bah!

Apart from my love being kidnapped(she was clearly hijacked from santa's sleigh, christmas has been a most wonderful event. Dinner on christmas eve was a complete success! hopefully, things will improve even more from there. Mah mah was thoroughly enjoying herself. David had many helpings of PEACH CHEESE CAKE, OMD, mummy makes the most sinister ways of fattening up her kids.. i couldn't help wondering whether she was in cohorts with a wicked witch or something. but if i am to be roasted alive remembering the taste of my favorite desert in the world!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Christmas lunch was even better.. We missed uncle danny and kelly, but uncle jimmy, aunty dale and aunty ba had a really wonderful time telling me how i wasn't studying enough, my grades are bad and how it's alright if i repeat the As. how wonderful. Aunty Alice and auntie CC had a most wonderful time expounding the many metaphors they could think of regarding my hair. Erik was enjoying himself reliving the laughter.. the bastard. Oh well, once again networking was fun.. might OCIP cambodia in march. WOOT..

Christmas rocked, though, there's always one thing that disappoints me every year. It's the presents. Not in a materialistic way, i couldn't care what i recieved, you know? I just wished that I could have gotten something from friends. Getting something that i wished for would be an added bonus of course, but the entire motion of recieving something is more to me than just the material, it's the thought that someone actually took time and effort to think of me and to get me sometime personally. It makes you feel wanted. I guess This is the area that always falls short for me every christmas.

I think it's important to really give presents during christmas, i for one, find it completely disappointing to recieve book vouchers and cash. It says two things. 1) I didn't have time to think of you. 2) I couldn't be bothered to think of you. Not very nice right. I'd rather recieve a book that i may not read or something, even if you took a shot in the dark. It wouldn't matter, because at least it shows you care! of course if you really take a shot in the dark without considering the person.. that it's the same as giving cash. C'mon.. you know erm better than you think.
For those of you who know, I always but in a lot of effort to get people things, or to make stuff for them. This year it's books, hand-stitched books. Each book takes a minimum of 2 days to make, and it's personalized per person. I always wonder why i end up doing these things, i don't get anything in return for my effort. I wonder if people even remember me when they think up their shopping list, or if it's just limited to my family and my close friends?

It made me think of Christ though, God's greatest gift to us. And i remembered how he never asked for anything back, and how most of us never give him anything back? I asked myself what have i done for God this year? What have I even given to him as a gift? I am ashamed to say, I don't know and that I feel I probably didn't. I think of how Christ healed those ten lepers and how only one turned around to even thank him. How Christ died for us on the cross, God's greatest sacrifice. How many of us take it for granted? And during midnight mass this year, Fr Colin reminded us how Christmas really is Jesus's birthday. How a parishioner and her two girls baked a cake to celebrate Christ's birthday with the noviate. He made us sing happy birthday to Christ during mass. I felt so guilty. Christmas is Jesus's birthday, but here i am think of giving gifts to everyone but Him? I felt worse than neglecting family.

Most people want a lot of things during christmas, despite it being the season of giving. But christ didn't ask for anything, he just gave and he gave his life. I always tried to emulate him every year, i give without asking for something back, i don't complain much. yet now i feel i'm tiring of giving, i want to recieve something too, and it's not anything material, i just wanted to be needed, to be wanted, to be acknowledged. Am i doing something wrong? I know i'm only human to want, but is it wrong to play by such laws of reciprocity for christmas? I honestly feel so guilty thinking about it. I recall how my mother always reminds us that Christ was never wanted in society, he was hated by the pharisees, disdained by the people, who eventually crucified him. He thought us things that were practically the opposite of social norms. To give with out getting back, to forgive and to keeping forgiving (seven times seventy times), to love.

Sometimes I just want to give up, I always wonder why God makes me carry this heavy cross, to deprive me of society. To fulfill my deep desire of being wanted, acknowledged or needed. I don't think I'll ever find out till what His plan is for me, why I need to carry this large burden, until I finally meet him at death.I hope he'll tell me before he decides whether he'll take me into heaven or not. However, what I do know, is probably how Christ must have felt, the human side of him. To be unwanted by the very people he was brought down to save. The people who were always in his thoughts, yet, can God actually feel that way? God is love. Love is never lonely. Well whatever it is, if Christ does feel lonely and unappreciated on his birthday, then i know how he feels. This feeling doesn't just happen on christmas, i get it on mine too. Lord, what do you want me to do?

I must really thank my siblings this year, they've really matured, Erik especially, he put in so much thought and effort into his presents for us throughout the year(though he doesn't know me very well clearly, a book on bartending.. what am i? an alcoholic.. oh erik... i'm not really.. i know i guzzle whiskey like an old irish car, but no i'm not...). Sondra split of from the communal sharing this year, treating me to a pair of earings. I feel really bad that i didn't spend even time thinking of what to get them. Mummy gave a cookbook =D.

I think the funniest thing was daddy and mummy's presents between the two of them.. both of them so undisciplined.. tsk tsk tsk opening their presents before christmas. That was quite hilarious the way they way chosen. Dad was complaining how Mum was giving away too many bottles of wine, so mum said she'll give him one for christmas. Then mum inquired what she was getting and dear father had to remind her that she already got her fendi wallet and bag. oh dear..

I thank God for 12 days of christmas, i'm really behind on the books. I WILL FINISH. and holiday homework too.

my last advent song.

Come, Lord Jesus
sr. Miriam Therese Winter, SCMM

Christ come quickly, there's danger at the door.
Poverty a plenty, hearts gone wild with war.
There's hunger in the city and famine on the plain.

Come, Lord Jesus, the light is dying,
the night keeps crying: come, Lord Jesus

Want demands a hearing in far too many lands,
The sick go unattended, death deals a heavy hand.
The dreams of men are empty, their cup of sorrow full.

Come, Lord Jesus, the light is dying,
the night keeps crying: come, Lord Jesus

The world awaits in darkness a mighty burst of light,
To set the lame man leaping, to give the blind man sight.
We have the prophet's promise, we await the Prince of Peace.

Come, Lord Jesus, the light is dying,
the night keeps crying: come, Lord Jesus

The clouds shall send a Saviour like soft falling rain,
Yet mighty in his power, to free us from our chains.
His shield will be compassion, his weapon liberty.

Come, Lord Jesus, the light is dying,
the night keeps crying: come, Lord Jesus

CHRISTMAS EVE.

This is it folks! 11 hours to go!!! YAY

anyway, i slept 4 hours today, dragged myself out of bed, went to school to gym, and man i am so unfit. stupid lousy holiday grumble-grumble...

I cannot extol how excited i am! CHRISTMAS MUSIC TONIGHT!!! WOOHOO GO TO ST.IGGIES Y'ALL. i shall see you there! and around the house, is a mix of laziness and extreme buzz, christmas eve dinner with the paternal side, 2 christmas masses to get mah fill, full extreme panic, with 6 or 7 books left to stitch.. OH JOY...

I fill really unprepared for christmas, i lack the spirit, i think it's because i spent too much time in preparations and very little time in meditation. I'm sorry lord, i wish i had spent more time with you ):. This is a very strange year for me too, the first time that i'm not singing for any mass as part of the choir. i'm so sad...i guess it comes with the price on wanting to 'enjoy' myself.

so much has changed in the past year, i remember last year, i had such a close feeling to my family, my extended family, that was a nice time. i wonder where it all went. well i know, it's just that i hate the reasons and excuses. oh well.. i'm looking forward to seeing them tonight!

what child is this, who is working there,
on a christmas night, not sleeping.
whose parents scream goodnights to him,
which pass by his deaf ears.

this, this is david,
who's time is almost over.
haste haste, to make his gifts,
to give to his friends at christmas.

Concert.

today i went to watch My Chemical Romance live in singapore. My first rock concert. oh i'm so not a virgin anymore :P.
Their music is so good, and Gerard actually sounded slightly better than he does usually when he's live. He shouts into the mic every time! it's no wonder he makes the audience sing some lines, gotta recover the voice luh. though they didn't do anything spectular, maybe it's cause they weren't used to singapore, the on-tour keyboardist did really spectular though, he played some rachmaninov-esque music and actually sang a little during the short interval when the band went backstage to rest and get more drunk i suppose. I had so much fun hopping to the music.

besides jumping and singing along and being manipulated by gerard to wave our arms around, i released why live shows are so popular. just watching the musicians on stage doing their thing, having fun, doing what they love to do, made me realize that i actually felt closer to them in some odd way, since they were actually there in person. not more than 15m away, than 20m than 40m away (we moved back cause ying couldn't see) feeling someone's presence is much greater in person than being separated by a glass screen and many pixels. I guess that is why i love to watch theatre, way more than i like to see movies. that actual spirtual presence, you can feel it, the person's presence.

I think it was really worth the $100 bucks, sorry lads, you'll be getting trashy romance novels for christmas :p, and it was definitely fun watching gerard drop an octive on 'teenagers' when he couldn't keep the high pitch on the last chorus. gives me hope, and reminds me we're all still human. though Iron maiden's bruce dickinson is still like god-like. his range is impressive, reaching high tenoric notes and his variety of styles, is wow! GO LISTEN NOW..


tomorrow i shall have a sore throat. Good night ladies.

work.

I spent this very evening working at MOX, i haven't stepped into the place in a year, and boy has it changed. my cross-dressing boss, bernice, has hung up her drag attire to become benjamin. the place has been renovated, and is really nice, though it retains the mox atmosphere..

so i got my orders pad and a pen and i spent the entire night getting orders and delivering them of course. gosh i was so noob. i forgot where my customers were sitting twice. while it wasn't really my fault, they came to the bar to order. The place wasn't even packed today, thanks to zouk out, but still.. so chaotic between 11 and 12. though there were some really bitchy idiots..

i think the funniest thing that happened was that this guy tried to flirt with me, that was until he realized i was straight. that was quite an experience. ask me about it, i'll tell you.

gonna go to sleep, mass in the morning!

rotting away, myself.

it's a bright, lovely, sunny day with perfect clouds painted into the sky. but i'm here wasting my time. i feel so lethargic, i just want to get off my chair and go do something but i don't want to do anything. my house, my computer, my chair are prisons.

A day in my life.

all you yokels.. watch now.
that includes you ladies and gents.

Prom.

prom is just a large ballroom with clicking flashes and cheap food. everyone taking their last photos, wondering whether they will ever see each other again, so many faces, so many memories. you wonder, where is life going to now, the close of an era, a chapter in life's storybook. This is the conclusion, to a journey known as the A levels.

Then I saw myself in the mirror and I wondered what about me. I've already missed the train once and here I am watching it leave the station again. I couldn't help but wonder how I fell again and again. I don't where I'm going. This journey is so strange, so full of fog and mist, with holes on every side. So easy to lose one's footing and fall..

Then the glamour was over, and everyone went over to the arena. I guess it's not really interesting for me to club in singapore. I don't like the scene, it's all about sex, everyone just grind each other, what for? I guess I hoped there was more to it then sex, i was hoping people actually would go to a club for the dancing. I was wrong. There was no space to move, if that's what you would even call 'dancing' people's hips just moving up and down, no place to move left and right, arms going in the same direction, no variation of moves. How do you look good doing the same things over and over again. wave your hands in the air if you just don't care.

OH MAN OH MAN

my feet are killing me! i cannot believe i would ever say that..i sound girl, but i swear i broke at least 2 bones in each sole and toes feel like they want to come off...bloody weight..

Owari!

2:30:23

It is over. 3 months of preparation and much set backs and bouts of laziness and depression, but I did it. And I am proud of my time and I'm happy with myself. Heh I didn't think I would be able to even finish in 3hrs. Thank you God.

Running long distances is not just boring, it's extremely boring, but today, it was really a beautiful day, as i ran through the first 7km, i watched as the sun rose high, and you know how much i love sunrises (much cooler than sunsets), she rose among really lovely clouds, painted by the hand of God. As we passed the bridge it was just spectucular, I would have stopped and just stared.. but you know i was busy running. There also these nice people giving us encouragement, a band played the phantom of the opera as we hit 6k. I think God really blessed me today. The scenery, the atmosphere, and just having so many people around took my mind away from the run.

It's really key to have a distraction when running, draw your focus away from your swollen feet, your heavy aching muscles, the numbness that your lower body is feeling. haha i think apart from God, the only reason i got through the race was the banana at 13k! haha and after that the promise to go have FOUR kani kaarage temaki later at Yoshuku. heh it's nice to treat yourself.

And I did. I proved to myself that i have the resilience to defeat life. Go screw yourself ms tan! I've got the determination that you can't see(: Though, i also ran for another person today. Kito Aya(1962-1988). A japanese girl, who at the age of 15, was diagnose with spinocerebellar ataxia, the degeneration of the cerebullum and spine, resulting in the lost of a motor function, so slowly, can you imagine having an illness which you know cannot improve but only slowly progressively decline? She wrote her diary everyday which was compiled into a book called 1 rittoru no namida (1 litre of tears). The book was later turned into a japanese drama of 11 episodes. It is so sad, you should go watch it. Her life is really inspiring, it makes you appreciate the little things you take for granted everyday. The abilty to walk, talk, or write. the independence these gifts give us. That's why today i ran for her, for those people who cannot run. I can still run, i can still walk, i can still think, i can still do so many things and i will keep on doing those things, because i can.

appreciate yourself today. go now!

doko ni ikutteru oretachi ga?

K
Only Human

哀しみの向こう岸に
微笑みがあるというよ

哀しみの向こう岸に
微笑みがあるというよ
たどり着くその先には
何が僕らを待ってる?

逃げるためじゃなく　夢追うために
旅に出たはずさ　遠い夏のあの日

明日さえ見えたなら　ため息もないけど
流れに逆らう舟のように
今は　前へ　進め

苦しみの尽きた場所に
幸せが待つというよ
僕はまだ探している
季節はずれの向日葵

こぶし握りしめ　朝日を待てば
赤い爪あとに　涙　キラリ　落ちる

孤独にも慣れたなら
月明かり頼りに
羽根なき翼で飛び立とう
もっと　前へ　進め

雨雲が切れたなら
濡れた道　かがやく
闇だけが教えてくれる
強い　強い　光
強く　前へ　進め

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be glad (be glad)
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight. (out of sight)

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the yuletide gay,
From now on,
our troubles wil l be miles away. (miles away)

Here we are as the olden days,
happy golden days, of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us,
will be near to us once more.

Thru' the years we all will be together,
If the Lord allows (allows).
Hang your shining star upon the highest brough!
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Christ The King.

Today is the solemnity of Christ The King, that means the new year is about to begin. 6 days till the first day of ADVENT. Christmas is coming!

Oh how i wish i had my ipod, so i could blast christmasy rock opera goodness to the whole house. Play carol of the bells non-stop feeling the energy of every single distorted note as it vibrates the air. LOVE CHRISTMAS. The tree is coming too, everyone loves a christmas tree! You get to put stuff all around on it, in such a mess and claim it's beautiful.. though it looks like a mess. And after that you put lots of presents under it! did i mention, CHRISTMAST IS COMING!

Advent means we get to sing a lot of really cool songs that we never sing. We proclaim the coming of the lord, his human incarnation, we tell the prophecy of Christ. LOVELY MUSIC... and we have to practice all the christmas songs too! EVEN MORE LOVELY MUSIC. then christmas comes and we sing all the good stuff (:(:(: oh did i mention it's around the corner?

I think my favorite part of christmas is the giving. of course, to do so i'm going to have to find a job.. or get really creative.. jobs are easier aren't they...We shall give! christmas is a most wonderful time to start giving, and there's no reason to hold back too! or rather if you need an excuse what better than now? Getting stuff is fun, but giving is way more cool. so give give give!

And i get to play all my TSO!

THE LOST CHRISTMAS EVE

ON A STREET IN THE NIGHT
IN THE COLD WINTER’S LIGHT
A CHILD STANDS ALONE AND SHE’S WAITING

AND THE LIGHT THAT’S OUT THERE
IT JUST HANGS IN THE AIR
AS IF IT WAS JUST HESITATING

AND THE SNOW IT COMES DOWN
AND IT MUFFLES THE SOUND
OF DREAMS ON THEIR WAY TO TOMORROW

AND WHEN THEY APPEAR
THIS NIGHT WILL HOLD THEM NEAR
FOR WHERE THEY WILL LEAD
SHE WILL FOLLOW

FOR HERE IN THIS CITY OF LIGHTS
THIS EVENING AWAKENS
THE DREAMS THAT IT MIGHT
THE WINTER IT CONJURES
THE SPELLS IT WILL WEAVE
THE SNOW GENTLY COVERS THE GROUND
CHRISTMAS EVE

IN THIS SCENE
ON THIS NIGHT
THERE’S AN ANCIENT HOTEL
WHERE SHADOWS THEY DO TEND TO WANDER

AND THE GHOSTS THAT LIVE HERE
HOLD EACH MOMENT SO DEAR
FOR TIME’S NOT A THING ONE SHOULD SQUANDER

AND THEY RECOUNT THEIR SAND
AS IT RUNS THROUGH THEIR HAND
AND EXAMINE EACH MOMENT FOR MEANING

IT CAN BE WISHED UPON
TILL THE MOMENT IT’S GONE
LIKE DAY DISAPPEARS INTO EVENING

FOR HERE IN THIS CITY OF LIGHTS
THIS EVENING AWAKENS
THE DREAMS THAT IT MIGHT
THE WINTER IT CONJURES
THE MOMENT IS SEIZED
THE SNOW GENTLY COVERS THE GROUND
CHRISTMAS EVE

MERRY CHRISTMAS
MERRY CHRISTMAS
MERRY CHRISTMAS
MERRY CHRISTMAS

CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS

THROUGH THIS NIGHT
THE DREAM STILL WANDERS
AS IT WAS MEANT TO BE
AND EVERY YEAR THIS NIGHT GROWS FONDER

OF CHILDREN AND CIRCUMSTANCE
CAUGHT IN THIS CHILDHOOD DANCE
AS THE WORLD TURNS AROUND
KEEPING DREAMS ON THE GROUND

WINDOWS OF FROSTED ICE
PRISMING CANDLELIGHT
AND SOMEHOW WE
START TO BELIEVE

IN THE NIGHT AND THE DREAM
AS IT CUTS THROUGH THE NOISE
WITH THE WHISPER OF SNOW
AS IT STARTS TO DEPLOY

IN THE DEPTHS OF A NIGHT
THAT’S ABOUT TO BEGIN
WITH THE FEELING OF SNOW
AS IT MELTS ON YOUR SKIN

AND IT COVERS THE LAND
WITH A DREAM SO INTENSE
THAT IT RETURNS US ALL
TO A CHILD’S INNOCENCE

AND THEN WHAT YOU’D THOUGHT LOST
AND COULD NEVER RETRIEVE
IS SUDDENLY THERE TO BE FOUND
ON CHRISTMAS EVE
ON CHRISTMAS EVE
ON CHRISTMAS…

30 Days

Advent is upon us.

1 week before the madness begins.

Gigantic 'R'.

Hello darling non-existing readers. I wonder if you noticed the new apartment. Yes, well technically, it's not new, i just had the flat renovated and some new windows installed, a lava lamp, shark tank, you know all those things you can't live without. I would certainly like to thank my decorator Ms Xue. It's lovely darling, absolutely love it.

The countdown has officially started. 6 days, 22hrs and 54 mins.
I hope I make it.

HO HO HO

GOOD MORNING ANGELS

How are you my dears? doing alright? I sure hope so.

I spent or rather, more accurately, wasted my morning at the MOE's FAT CLINIC at SGH. I spent the entire morning being told what I already know. Clearly someone in the PE department is trying to play a practical joke on me, shah didn't even get called for such shit. So anyway I found out I'm severly overweight, I'm hundred kilos, i'm going to get heart attacks, strokes, diabetes and other god knows what that i haven't heard over and over again. Gee thanks.

The only fun I had was making the nutritional nurse flabbergasted. She was shocked that i wanted to put on 10 more kilos, and of course that put her in a spot, a rather amusing spot. She get repeating the same things over and over again, and was more shocked when i told her I eat 6 meals a day. Silly woman, she had to call in a professional nutritionalist who wasn't of much help either. She kept hyping on how I should avoid fatty foods. Even a primary one child knows that!

This just confirmed that when left in a job which is repetitive you grow senile and stupid. Quite clearly, the lack of additional randomizing flucuation of life puts people in a great spot. The worse part is they lose their ability to ask 'why' they don't question what are the reasons anymore, they assume and generalize applying inept models of previous experience to a situation that won't fit, like trying to stuff the square peg through the star hole.

i guess i can't stop alienating people.
blah. i wanna go clubbing more...

I spent the whole of last night learning about pop art and other movements from meranda, thanks babe! after visiting warhol and becoming greatly confused. Mr warhol is a such a sight. Pop art and dadaism...then postmodernism...
i realized i'm not a romantic. i'm post modernist. meh...
it's the process.. when it starts showing in my art, i wonder which institution they're gonna admit me to?

Christmas is en route. C=

"When I was fourteen, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock-climbing with this kid from school. He fell, got injured and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, passed this guy in the hall. It was a janitor. Friend came down with an infection and doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor and a buraku; one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't even try, didn't dress well, he didn't pretend to be one of them. The people around that place, they didn't think that he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him. Because he was right; which meant that nothing else mattered, they had to listen to him.”

-Dr. Gregory House

Flashback.

A rare look into the romantic life of my grandparents

Can't sleep.

Only stupid people take ampethamines at night just to focus. especially the extended release kind, which last for 12 hours.

Luckily, I'm an idiot.

Anyway the entire thing with nostalgia which I'm going through after revisiting has left me in a recollective mood. Thanks to my damn memory, i now can recall in complete detail my entire house, in each of it's distinct periods. I'm so gonna freak my mother out when she wakes up. =D

HALFWAY TO HALF

NAILED 17.9KM WOOOOOOOOOOT
HAHA GONNA FINISH MY HALF BABY!


Almost didn't finish too...me and my miscalculations. all cause i reversed my route instead.. Ran from queens to holland and down towards dear old sunset way.. thought that be 10k, thank god i realized it in time and took a diversion into my old neighbourhood.

Sunset way. I ran down past the bus stop down the street that leads into the heart of the little neighbour, past balmoral bakery where i used to eat nice curry puffs and mummy would order our birthday cakes, past the old barbers where i used to cut my hair as a kid. Malay barbers, and a really straight cut which had no parting no matter what you did. i was also skinny and 150cm..HEH...

Down I ran into clementi arcade, all the new shops i saw. It was so strange, now that the montesorri was gone. A wine shop, cake shop, the daily scoop. Bather's is still there, the cafe that used to have a cybercafe. We'd play there all the time, how many tuitions i skipped to try and frag people in CS, till daryl got caught in school U and the police caned the outfit. Man i was so lazy in the those days, i'd cab out to the place so i didn't have to walk the km out. And i remember the lagasne, was so good (:

Past the now opened new condo that was still in it's development when i moved out and away from my beloved hometown. I remember there used to be a rockies there and a dominos. We used to munch dominoes a lot for a dinner treat cause it was good, till the rats closed the place, the condo developers killed the other good pizza place. Blah.

Then the boy ran past Mark Chu's old place, the memories of those carpooling days in primary 1 flooded his memory. I remember the mark chu before he got all gangsta. He collected lego and fish, his family were well off i guess, he was always getting all the nice castle sets i wanted. heh.. We connected through lego. The ultimate connected must have been michael, he lived further up in sunset square, we carpooled with him too. He was p3. Aquanauts came out that year, he got the nice old huge base. Imagine that, Lego was a boys world in those days. I had a collection of the small ones, at home and in Yeh Yeh's house. I loved the construction vehicles. I still keep my book of construction vehicles. My favorite was and still is the backhoe bulldozer. Boys are heavy duty creatures. Wonder if Mark still lives there. He changed so much in sec 1. I remember the nursery behind his house, my used to get plants there. Heh I remember in p1, toilets were evil and i peed my pants once.. was so embaressed.. silly silly me. That was also when i first wondered about the concept of time. What is time, does it exist, is it all a dream and how relative is it? Everytime i ponder this, i get draw to the memory of going home with slightly damp pants in the carpool. then to the present, then to other far off memories. lucky no one noticed. Photographic memory sucks and I like castles.

As i ran up the hill with much difficulty, I ran past the blue roofed house with the chinese lion statues. I briefly had chinese tuition there when my mother thought mr ng wasn't enough. that was p6, i remember the other david went there for tuition too. he lived a few blocks down and was in GEP in nanyang. He went to acsi and i never heard of him again. I wish i had gone to GEP, might have found more companionship. I remember i ponned chinese a lot, i went to do stupid things like play lan at clementi arcade. Now i feel bad, she was a nice lady.

Nearby was the park. That was were we gathered every evening to play soccer. The more inclusive soccer, where the whole neighbourhood got involved. James and John, uncle habajan. Andrew Yap was there too. I think about Lay Yung, he lived on sunset walk or square.. nearby my flat.. we had the same p1 and 2 class. I wonder where he went. Think he moved. There was Meng WeiJun. He went to I and AC and graduated with 6 As. Wonder where he is now.

After the park i past the backgate, and the clubhouse entrance. I remember all the swimming, the badminton, the machomee and snacks, and the walking home. As i pass the condo's park, i remember the soccer we had there. We played on my seventh birthday, i invited my classmates and neighbours.. Uncle edmund was referee. I was so lousy at soccer. I still am. Pity ADHD people learn differently. I pass the old basketball court, and Alex's house. Wonder if he still lived there. I learnt a lot about life from Alex, whom i'd met in p2, he was p6, we had the same bus. The bus driver's name is Ah Chai. He was a little crazy, and we were bad kids. Heh.. It takes a lot of patience to drive a bus with hyper primary school acs kids. That was where my interest in aeroplanes was festered. Fighter planes. We roleplayed the games to pass the time. I was so fascinated and engulfed, it was just so magical, like a dance we recreated with our hands of ariel dogfights. Guess to the other's they were just passing time. Alex read thrillers by Tom Clancy. He went to NJ, i met him two years ago at tanglin mall. wonder where he is now...

Past the playground, the slides and all are still there, we'd meet there and have fun after school in the afternoon. Kids are mean things. I remember one boy was nicknamed some hokien swear word. Poor kid. Digimon was king then and we all just wanted to fit in and collect digimon cards, then pokemon cards. We all just wanted to fit in, guess as a kid you fit in much better. That was were i met Jansher, his parents knew my parents somehow. He knew what a pun was and was a parent flatterer. He influenced me to get our own PSone, and stuff. They shipped him off to austrailia...Wonder what happened to him. His phone number was like my best friend's with one number difference. He was in henry park.

Heh I remember the super soaker wars. We all got super soakers to play wargames with each other, split into two teams. It was Alewx's idea, living his dream. He was the influence for me joining NCC... It was so weird... He should have signed on the army. We would play using the condo's basement and levels as a complex. It was our own laser quest. I even had a party in p4 to do just that. P4, that was when i met David Ng and there was Ian Ong from P1 and 2, we were all interested in planes and war games. There was also marcus chin and a lot of people. I remember Melvin Sim back in ACS P, i remember how i got in trouble in p5 and he was sent to counsel me, we always had a close relationship after that, when i was not in trouble that is. He followed me all the way to the end of barker. Those who disregarded him are idiots. He was great. He and Mr Wan and Mr Leong, the three P6 teachers who greatly influenced my life. I haven't seen them in a long time. He used to play basketball with us during recess. Bookworm club was the in thing then too. There was starcraft as well. I remember we'd flood the bookshop with our newly found powers of economy to buy little toys and trinkets.

I remember too all the talk about the p6 medical tests. We had a lot of stupid stories, especially about the foreskin test, to check for abnormal penile growth. The year before us the boys had to drop their pants infront of a female nurse. All the strange stories we heard and the slapstick sex jokes we made about it. We talked about it all the way into or p6. We were discovering our sexuality.

P6 was also roy and alwin and kumar. We were the clique. I wonder where they are now.
Since then, only jason tan and aaron wong followed me through class into sec 4.

Then i remember the accident in p4, there was a car crash just outside the carpark of the clubhouse, and my mum stopped to help, her friend someone from paeds was already there. The owner was rather rude accoring to my mother and refused our help, she inadvertantly drove off. The car involved was a blueish grey jeep-like car. The sky was orange red. We had started driving Toyota MPVs.

Then i ran past the guard house. I remember in p5 and 6, i made friends with the guards. One knew my grandfather, my grandfather unfortunately couldn't remember him. I learnt to take the condo bus. It cost a dollar then. I remember my house was so nearby to the clubhouse, it was a nice flat, #05-07. I loved it. I still dream of the kitchen, and everything in it. I can still describe it in great detail. I remember the black stove and the folks and spoons were in the drawer underneath that of the ladles, and other cooking instruments. The dinning room, with our current dinning table, the living room, with the rattan furniture and our coffee table we sold. My room with the double decker beds and 3 computers. The baby grand, the placement of the cupboards. Everything. Next door was shuying, we didn't get along much those days. Now, we're good friends. Downstairs was sarah rod. heh...it was so long long ago. one floor below was darren, single child, dad smoked, tried to quit. I foolishly and naively tried talking him into doing so. silly me. I made darren cry a couple of times, we were so mean as kids. Luckily we made good friends and left on those terms.

Then there was Brookvale minimart, place to get snacks and when we were slightly richer other more exotic snacks..They sold good sausages. As well digimon cards galore.

I ran down sunset square, passed lay yung's old house, then later on the house we almost bought and uncle habajan and aunty daisy's. They bought taught me lit for a time. Lovely couple. I miss them a lot. Uncle habajan got baptized at st iggy's last year, still attends twelve noon i think. Aunty Daisy is a great pranakan cook (: I wonder why they had a soft spot for me. I wonder why a lot of adults in my childhood had a soft spot for me or either didn't want their kids to play with me. Could they have subconsciously seen the adhd and asperger's and too the logical appropriate steps that their parental instincts told them?

then i ran out one of my walking routes to get into my hard to reach condo. So ended my trip down memory lane. 2k in, 2k out. In sec 2, i took the bus to school on many mornings, with the full trip out and in.

Then ran down clementi, till i hit bukit timah road. If i hadn't stop the nice smoker for the time; though he still gave me the wrong time, i wouldn't have realized the nice miscalculation i'd made. From queenstown to holland, was 1.5, then down holland to clementi should have been at least 3.5; didn't go through the canal, then another 4 in out of sunset, with 2 down to bukit timah. With bukit timah it would have only been 16 in total.. so i was supposed to run down farrer and back to add the last 4. i died at the end of farrer. so 17.9

blah. the reverse would have covered everything, since the loop would have me going through farrer twice to get home.. still it's not too bad.

God, i think was with me, i only had to wait at 2 traffic lights, it was perfect timing. But i dunno.. i didn't feel him. could it be...?

I guess i spent a lot time thinking about childhood. I'd like to know what's so good about it that people want to go back? They think kids are not judgemental, i think kids are innocent, but they can be more easily swayed to biasness than older people, and they can be very cruel, without even knowing it. We've all had our fair share of people that we've made cry. What do you have to say about that? I feel a little remorseful and embaressed when I think about it.

I feel bad for my parents. They go through a lot with me. The unpredictable chaos in the life of the yung family, who likes to hear bad things about their kids when they know deep down it's not the kid's fault? How do you live life worrying what will happen to your child next, when every day could be fraught with so many painful things. The pain that your child is not developing normally, is getting bullied, but not knowing it's cause it's different. The child is so intelligent yet it's not performing in school, and the teachers are calling. As doctors, worrying whether the kid's liver will flip any day from the daily medication. I think they suffer an identity crisis everytime i have one. The worse part is knowing there's nothing they can do. I love you Mommy, I love you Daddy. Thanks for life.

where do i stand.

far out of the crowd..
makes me wonder what's holding back the misanthrope?

Make A Wish.

Must be great to be a dying kid. Apart from the dying part, of course if you live long enough, you get to try and have a wish granted by the make a wish foundation. Amazing non-profit organization. Sometimes they get crazy wishes to grant. Today was one of them. To a dying leukemia boy, they performed an entire makeover of his room, painted it and planted lots of star wars toys around, including a spaceship bed. And so his sister wouldn't feel left out, they redid her's too. All in one day. Then they dragged Lord Vader and two troopers and scout to see the kid.

the kid though shy, was extremely happy to see the dark of the sith.. it's amazing how people go through lengths to make dying kids happy. enjoy life i guess?

the juice is gone mummmy!

Ever since I stopped taking sleeping pills, my sleep has become more intermittenly disrupted, but I have been able to DREAM AGAIN. hahah woot. I felt so deprived for those 2 months without being able to have some really funky dreams. Though now I wish I had more discipline to scribble down the dreams before the disappear into the subconscious and never be found again. You should too. Dreams, they speak mountains about you're current mental status.

As you kids know, dreams like people can come in all shapes, sizes, focuses and volumes, and surreality. Well that means they can be good and bad. or possibly wrongly sentenced. Hence, with good dreams, come the bad, and the nightmares. I haven't had any Nightmares (tm) yet, and thank god for that, all mares who sound like ralph kramdem, and go around at night.. oooh the shrudders. I, however, have had a few bad dreams already.

There was this one last night, where i was in school, and there she was in school too, and i walked up to her, and asked her how her exams were going, and it went into a whole conversation. then i walked away. Dear God, why is this happening to me? I know it's probably cause I had a good dinner at that french place near my house, and it reminded me that she wants to visit paris. I don't really want to look deeper than that. Such be foolish deeds. But i can tell that she's been having good exams, the smile on her face every paper that i see her leave. hey, must be good.

Life has an apropos of screwing with us all.

Anyway, you should all DREAM... if you're not.. something's wrong and you're fucked up nuff said. haha and not just the go to sleep and dream of walking upside down along one of salvador dali's works, sipping coffee infront of a purple red sky. with blue grass and white trees. No, i mean the dream of where you would like to be. Then you have something to follow, it's the wood for your fire, gas for your tank, petrol for your boat, bond girl for your bond. you get the picture.

All those people without dreams, they just wallow around living their live now having fun, failing their exams as usual. Or they end up mugging like a demonforce trying to destroy the world with no real goal in line and wonder why they're so stressed. Without a dream to follow, life loses it's lustre. The future which is already so blurred, becomes even blurrier. Dreams give you focus and confidence. You can tell people this is where you want to go and where you want to be and what you will become.

Though i'm not saying live in your dream. you can never do such a thing. Then you'll be like the rest. Dreams are not meant to be lived in, only lived. The differences being that in the former, you idly pretend that you're already reached your eden. Which is as incorrent as a hitler was right, and is also a most dangerous affair. You will be living in the future. A fluid concept, full of potential and dreams, disaster and disease and death and unknown. There is a problem. The future is not NOW. you have to live in the NOW to live your dream. It is only logical after all, you are here and presence NOW. This very second as you read each word in this sentence, this is now. What's the point living for tomorrow, when it never comes?

Dream away children.

On the agenda.

I am happy! for once.hahaha my legs are aching like cause they are dead. 6 300m sprints, 120kg squats (5 reps), 5 x 15m sprints and a 6km run (super slow, hey my legs were DEAD). AND I LOST MY PHONE AGAIN! SLIPPED OUT IN THE DAMNNED CAB...
ahhhhhhhhhhh. but it's alright. just going to memorize everyone's numbers and call llike no one's business :P i'm kidding.

haha sorry for the intellectually lacking post. i felt like it.

best steak sarnie.

eventful day? perhaps.. finally made my steak sandwiche, a little over done, turned out medium instead of medium rare.. ah well first time mistakes. fresh herbs and spices do make a difference (: mmmmm mmmm shared it with my brother while watching ratatouille.

also, my mother drilled a hole in my thumbnail, to get rid of all the blood and serum stuck under the nail. I swear to God it's like getting stabbed again and again, panadol.. never works, and pressure under really sensitive fingertips... NOT GOOD.. but now there's a wonderfull black hole in my thumb nail that spurts globs of puss on regular intervals.

i'm left handed for a week at least. GO FIGURE.
THANK GOD FOR AMBIDEXTROUSNESS

NO MORE H

YES!! i didn't think about H today at all.
BRILLIANT ACHIEVEMENT. Looks like rehab is finally working..
no more syringes or puffs or evil thoughts.
sounds like a drug init. Drugs are bad kids!

Hey wait i'm on drugs! Well the good sort anyway. d.__.b yeaa..
dun ask, if yer know, yer know

Warning for the kids.
You should only take what your doctor has prescribed for you, and not what you asked your doctor to prescribe for you...like panadine

Tonight. Madness. (the lousy rant post time)

the tens were cancelled. bloody hell. Training was essentially fun, skipped physical and went straight to team runs. Even i got a run, till luqman decided he was not tired and went back in, he probably thought i was having too much fun.  the new balls suck. We got new pads too, and took them out for a run. I can personally tell you how they felt, seeing as how i was the one holding the pad and didn't get a chance to hit it. I swear it was like BRING DOWN THE FUCKING GIANT DAY. I spent that part of training do my best to throw them to the ground, it's not easy to really tackle with a pad. Dammniit why did tens get cancellled????

yesterday at the gym, i got my shoulder press technique corrected, to go all the way to the full range of motion. I didn't really understand jiao lian, as you all know wo de hua yi shi hen char, in any case, this other guy present explained it to me later, telling me about full range of motion and stuff and how the 300 guys were trained (the movie 300? ya that one.) I tell you it's pure madness. they got that look in 8 weeks, their discipline is god like, go check the guy who trained them at www.gymjones.com if you don't believeee me.
Gonna get fit...real fit. just watch.

I cannnooot believe i missed the actual halloween! i did catch the fake one on sat night.. hahaha pics are up finally =D (but it was oh so wrong)
go see..
http://s221.photobucket.com/albums/dd171/mosske/Party%20Night/

Someone else's kids.

you ever get that feeling that it's good that they aren't your kids. heh heh. This was from a event i had to cover..never ever even suspected how stoned kids can be. It was 11am btw. Guess it's too early even for them.

I realized i'm not cut out to be a father either. I'd be a very very bad one, I wouldn't do the whole fake-praise-selfesteem-boosting thing, and I probably wouldn't be able to make them feel loved. And from the shoot, i learned i'm don't even know how to make em laugh. Sigh...

Dead Tree
Dir En Grey

枯れ木に水を…泥水に映る君もう…
夢よ希望よ大空に描いた理想
情熱の紅
愛して止まない君はもう…
飴より甘い理想はただの理想

No one wants the present

指を指して　さよなら
額に向けられた冷たい銃口に愛を
赤いコートのこの子も押し付けられた今を抱き抱え涙を呑み込む

何故?何故?繰り返される
二度と癒えない
何故?何故?繰り返される
枯れた心に…

Love, tenderness, freedom and peace

(english)
Here is some water for the dead tree... I see your reflection in the dirty water...
Dreams and aspirations Your ideals in the big sky
Passionate Red
The one I loved so much...
Ideals being sweeter then candy are just ideals

No one wants the present

Point your finger Goodbye
I feel love on my forehead at gun point
Even the child with the red coat swallows her tears as she faces reality

Why? Why? Over and Over
It will never heal
Why? Why? Over and Over
My dead heart...

Love, tenderness, freedom and peace

lost: one giant. last seen walking aimlessly...

I wonder where my world meant.
Honestly, it came crashing down one me this month.
Guess I've been rather stupid. And I wish I'd never given, especially to those who don't deserve it.

especially you.
but i learnt a hard lesson and it further backs the truth, most of this world sucks. They don't question the truth... just willing to follow and judge..
doesn't matter.. i wouldn't want to get stuck with that...
i wish you'd just leave my mind alone..
heh sounds like i have psychosis..

it was robbery folks.. sure and steady.. egregious like a thief at night. pure robbery.

South Africa have won the world cup, for the second time in it's history. For the first time without scoring a freaking try. And i've never seen so many damned dumps... england just gave up with 15 minutes to go. they deserved it though, Wilkinson couldn't make touch on many occasion and it went straight into the hands of montegonry, who is a kicker. Now if the opposition fullback can kick.. and catch, i wouldn't be booting the damn ball right into his paws. that's just silly...Wilkinson didn't even kick much.

yesterday was a better match.. much more entertaining. Well done argentina, you did better than both the finalists.. that was excellent! and CHABAL GOT OWNED by the argentinian No.5. HE FLEW... nasty late tackle.


my results are back, i hate having to wait for fate to cast judgement ):
please let me promote...
and depression made me miss OGL interview.. i'm really distraught..why put the damn interview on results day???? arrrrgh

now i need some sanity..

First steps

today I was rewatching episode four of season III of House, the one where the bad doctor treats an autistic patient named Adam for worms. Throughout the episode House manages to connect with the young boy in ways that only House can, managing to use primitive means of psychological reasoning to coax the small thing into breathing in the knockout agent (he applied the mask to himself first and breathed in quite a few gulps of air, though he might have been trying to get high). At the end of the show, in a display of gratitude unprecedent to the boy, Adam presents house with his beloved PSP. On both occasions his parents nearly wet themselve with joy on what they called were Adam 'breakthroughs' This got me thinking, why do we celebrate and embellish something that is so simple to development and growth of our young?

Of course clearly, Adam's parents have reason to be opening the good champaign, but for the rest of us? We're expected to walk by the age of one, mumble a few mispronounced words by two and link more of those together in incoherent sentences by three. But if everyone's doing it, what makes it so celebratory? Baby's first steps, whip out the home video. Baby's first words, jump to the phone to call everyone from your mother to that uncle's second cousin's hairdresser's wife whom you've probably haven't called in about a month, and I was refering to the former.

Could it not a celebration of trimuph, but rather a celebration of relieve that causes the otherwise illogical jump to the phone? The simple notion that their child is normal and thriving as it is supposed to elicits such reactions. Why? Could it mean that the parents are relieved that they can go about their lives as close to normalcy as possible, not requiring to spend extra energy, money or stress to deal with a 'special' child. It's not easy to bear one, since not only will trips to see doctors suck finances, then parents will have to deal with the misunderstood social life and sociological problems that the child will surely encounter.

Maybe I'm just in a cynical mood, after all, terrible twos are supposed to be able to mutter such disyllabic words as mama, no no, want food and what not. I think I'd be more surprised if they suddenly sprung Cystic Fibrosis Transmembrane Regulator upon me than if they merely suddenly decided to use their over worked vocal chords for something more useful than the unicomprehensible crying.

Apart from this post actually having this disclaimer that this is merely a random rant, I need to nevertheless state that I really do like kids. Don't mind me seriously, I'm in one of my moods.

Off to run now kids! Bye.

A try for Villainelle..

Adolescent Confusions.
David Yung

I wonder where the world went?
It just passed me by ever since,
When the Little Giant Girl was sent.

She was like an angel from heaven lent,
her pretty eyes sparked so clear, so smart.
I wonder where the world went?

The timing was inconsiderate, now I relent,
I started, stumbled and spluttered,
When the Little Giant Girl was sent.

Our eyes crossed paths, and a sweet scent
filled the night air and all did go...
I wonder where the world went?

T'was only a few seconds, only to be bent,
broken in two, as confusion filled the dampened air,
When the Little Giant Girl was sent.

How I wish that the smile we shared with great intent,
Could have a little longer lasted, now,
I wonder where the world went,
When the Little Giant Girl was sent.

crying.... a lost soul... all the world's dying.

It's the end, I think.

The week past the exams is over and done with, I've finished my task, I wonder how I'm dealing with the answer, where ever will this lead and whereat will I be at the end of the road? How curious, it irks me. Just one confusion to another and I know I can so easily force the conclusion out, I know I have the necessary connections to do so, yet do I have the necessary ethics to wait? Would I be an obstacle, a crack in the mental exterior, would I be the chink in the defense that will cause a tall monument to fall? I don't know. Maybe you do... maybe you should tell me... It's up to you.

Two years have so fast gone by, all my friends have grown up around me, moving around, moving along this life. Soon they'll be gone. I'll miss them, I know I will. I hate change. I wonder why? I use to think I could adapt to anything, any given situation that was thrown at me. I still can. Yet why do I hate the fact they'll be leaving, even when they aren't too close to me? Only a few. A select, patient enough to see past eccentricities. I wonder...

AC games has come and gone, the second one. Good job no. 31, you actually did something original, filled with potential. You should have done it during orientation. Bonding a group of people in the most thorough way is to put them through the dirt, literally, through the mess and mud and the bad treatment, the suffering makes them come closer. In their minds, the need to believe that it's actually better than it is, due to the choice involved in choosing that group. The effort that was put in. oh, how the mind hides it's scares from consciousness so well... But that class will be so close together. You won't see people leaving AC games so early next year if you had done it as such.

I took a lot pictures over the last two days. I'm happy with the catch and I discovered a good photographer. Though it's made me question, why do I find myself drawn to take pictures of people? To strip them to down to what they are, devoid of their masks that they hide behind, insasmuch as to see their souls. Camera's do steal your soul. Chow says that I'm looking for the familiarity of the people in order to find abstractness that holds them. To make them alien. But I worry upon another angle hereat. Inasmuch as I am drawn to them to find abstract messages to hide myself from society, is it because of my inability to connect with the majority of society that causes me to seek that forbidden fruit through another means. It is cruel irony to make a sociable person unable to find common ground with most of soceity. Or is it just this society? Or is it just me?

It's so tiring and lonesome being a sociopath. I think that's where I am. I started out two years ago, going for abstract images, mainly of nonhuman objects, now I'm drawn to the face? I'm questioning my every aspect...Why is it undesirable in society to have that taint of eccentricity? Would it make her think of me in a different light?

And i wonder... What would a normal life have been? The one that follows conventionality? The one without the intelligence, the observational and analytical skills, the eidetic memory, the ingenuity and resourcefulness. The one without the hyperactivity and vivid hyper imagination. Without the impulsivity... What would that be like? To simply follow convention in ever asepect, to be the same, unnoticable? Would I have found the large group of friends I crave for, the company I desire, to be able to meet people all over the place, and just have fun talking shop. In assiduous normality, to every minutiae. I can't even dream of what it would be like. Even with my imagination and knowledge, I cannot even fathom what a normal convention life as the average joe would be! I don't know....

I hope you feel lucky...
Life is better on the other side,
Greener on the other pastures..
Over here is only an abyss
And as Nietzsche said, 'When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you.' I'm looking into it. Will it see the holes in me? Especially the long vacant one on the left side of my chest.

AC Games II

bubbles *click me to expand*

Teenage Queen
Aiden

I can see the void,
Dark like prison.
Take me to the eyes of this boy
And now dance with me.

I can see the world,
Sharp like paper.
Take me to the eyes of this girl.
And now dance with me.

He found this one long kiss.
The shadow saved forever and we're safe tonight
I'm falling to the ending.
Dance with me.

Oh tonight I'm a teenage queen.
(Dream so dark, I feel so beautiful now.)
Oh tonight I'm a teenage queen and it never stops.
The world we live won't laugh this hard.
The weight of the world won't seem so bad now.

Well, can you feel the noise?
Cut like ribbon,
Take me to the girl and this boy.
And now dance with me.

He found this one long kiss,
The shadow saved forever and we're safe tonight
I'm falling to the ending.
Dance with me.

Oh tonight I'm a teenage queen.
(Dream so dark, I feel so beautiful.)
Oh tonight I'm a teenage queen.
(Dream so dark, I feel so beautiful now.)
Oh tonight I'm a teenage queen and it never stops.
The world we live won't laugh this hard.
The weight of the world won't seem so bad now.

Break break break break, now I'm coming to,
Tonight tonight I'm a teenage queen.
Take take take take, now I'm coming to.
She walks by, I feel serene.

Break break break break, now I'm coming to,
Tonight tonight I'm a teenage queen.
Take take take take, now I'm coming to.
She walks by, and I feel serene.

Oh tonight I'm a teenage queen.
(Dream so dark, I feel so beautiful.)
Oh tonight I'm a teenage queen.
(Dream so dark, I feel so beautiful now.)
Oh tonight I'm a teenage queen and it never stops.
The world we live won't laugh this hard.
The weight of the world won't seem so bad now.

time.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.

-Rose Kennedy

here i am once again, on another test, a test of my faith. But why do i seem to always fail such tests? I do trust God. Yet, I find myself once again being distanced. Well I pray that I will pull through.

Though here time is playing deja vu, the names and the faces changed, but the story remaings insomuch as the same. I just missed baccalaurette service as photographer again, and tomorrow is AC games. Once again, i'm going to to take photos. I wonder if the final event that floods this occasion will largely be the same. I sincerely hope that it will not be disastrous repeat.

So strange though, the author of this somewhat intermittent and disengaged article, is definitely not the same as the one of last year. Now I'm actually itching to hit the books again. That's right, I want to study! I cannot extoll upon the need to re-chalk the huge holes that flood my notes like potholes on the m-42 or other highways in Britain. The ideallic model student nerd.

They say success is 99% hardwork and 1% intellect. I know I already fulfill the second require, heck I'm pretty sure I more than fulfill it, I overcompensate for the first one with the second. That was definitely true of the past year, and somewhat this year, but I know I slogged away for my exams this year. I have never worked harder for any other papers before. Refining techniques, and playing by the rules, yet why do I feel so unaccomplished? Am I really a reject of the system, or is it posssible that that is just a simple illusion that has become buried deep within my head? Yet there's also an element of surprise and randomness to any thing you do. Predictions of probablity can only take you so far, so I guess success is really 94% hardwork, 1% intellect and the rest is luck. Maybe the latter is something I'm not really endowed with. Maybe.

Though there's one thing I do know, I don't want to go through it anymore. Failure is devastating, and everytime I've been hit with it, I bounce back. But it steals from you, robs you, beats you, leaves you barren and awaiting death. Egregiously, it strikes, ever severly. It's not easy to bounce back, honestly, the feeling of desolation is horrid, I hate to experience it again. It's really hard to grow grass upon dry arid land. That land is the land of failure, and like nomads you travel this land til the rain starts to thunder above and pepper you with its tiny droplets of sweet arableness. But the scars still stay.

I really hope it doesn't happen again.

a little pick me up

Turtle-Head

Lovely Smiles

Baby n Me

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